dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today you would have been 4 months old. i am constantly aware of long you have been away from me and how old you would have been had you lived through the surgery. and since both of these measurements of time fall on thursdays, i always wake with a heart ache on thursdays.

spring is starting to show its face. the two hundred daffodils we planted weeks before you were born are starting to to poke through the cold ground, a gentle reminder that life continues. oh, how i imagined showing you those flowers and telling you the story of how badly i wanted bulbs planted, but your dad doesn't like bulbs, he thinks they are too fussy. he is a tree man. but your dad is so kind and wants so badly for me to be happy, so he planted all those bulbs on the last possible day in november. a day where there was sun, fall in the air and ground that was still warm and soft. seeing those bulbs reach for the sun brings me comfort, and makes me feel closer to you.

your dad and i are trying to get back to a routine, although it is not the routine we wanted, it is progress nonetheless. we are both back at work, and while that does not erase the pain, it does keep us occupied for segments of the day.

cooper, i can not tell you how you have touched and moved people. there are people from all over the world knitting little birds in your honor. and i know that you will watch over all the cardiac children and their families, and that my sweet does my heart good.

but i do miss you so and i do not think the hole in my heart will ever mend. but i am trying so hard to make you proud, to find happiness again, and live life in way that honors you.

loving and missing you

mom