bean needs a diaper

Friday, April 29, 2011

TUESDAY, JUNE 15, 2010

bean needs a daiper

we interrupt our regularly scheduled blog post to bring you this tale from the front line of parenthood.

ph has taken over the evening bean duties. he bathes him, feeds him, puts him to bed, and gets up with him in the middle of the night. i love ph for this act of kindness. he has learned that i do not function well on no sleep and am liable to leave the bean in wegmans if i am sleep deprived. we have a good routine going and bean seems to be happy with our division of labor.

last night was like any other evening on newberry lane, with the the one exception that we were a bit tired due to our adult night out sunday evening. so needless to say, we were looking forward to going to bed and hoping that the bean would sleep extra long. well.... this was not to be.

to start things off, the alarm clock went off at 12:01. ph thought it was the monitor and tried to turn it off. when this did not stop the blaring beeping noise that woke us from a deep slumber, he asked me to fix it. so i got out of bed and turned off the alarm clock. what i did not know was that ph was successful in turning off the monitor. we both fell back asleep and the next thing i knew, ph was flying out of bed and the door. i could hear bean screaming. i gave him a moment and then went in to see what the ruckus was about. ph had this bewildered look on his face. bean was soaking wet, not a little wet from drool, he was soaked. i looked at the bed and the sheet was wet. i asked what was going on, ph looked at me with this sheepish look and said he forgot to put a diaper on when he was getting him ready for bed. well, i lost it. i was laughing so hard i also peed myself.  he looks at me and says, you are going to blog about this arent you? you better believe it love.

so there we were at 2 am changing sheets and clothes. so much for a peaceful night.

tuesday tidbits can be read tomorrow.


Thursday, April 28, 2011



i come from a family of doctors and with that comes an expectation and understanding that you dont choose medicine, medicine chooses you. i know that my understanding of why one becomes a doctor may be the minority, that many think doctors are in it for the money, have large egos or are emotionless. i also know that the bar is set extremely high for those doctors i interact with outside of my family. i believe that those doctors in my family are some of the best out there, trust them implicity and are in a category all their own.

the doctors and nurses that we interacted with both during coopers birth and his time in the hospital are without a doubt in a category which has been occupied by a select few.

i often find myself replaying the events of December 18th. i can remember the looks on their faces, the words they said, the tears they cried and the utter heartbreak they expereinced at 10:20am. i wonder how they are doing, how are they healing and how they move on.

Dr. Alfieres left Cooper and went back to the operating room, to try and repair the heart of a newborn that was days old, instead of weeks old. I saw the tears he cried, the sadness and failure he felt and wonder how he returns to the operating room after such a devestating loss. it is beacuse medicine chose him, it is his calling.

Dr Meagher, the pediatric cardiologist, met cooper before i did, he was hours old when she first looked at his heart. i saw the look of heartbreak on her face. she was so hopeful that cooper would be does she recover from such a loss? how does she look at the next baby with tetrology of phallot and give that baby's parents hope? it is because medicine chose her, it is her calling.

Dr Kerpleman, my OBGYN, who helped take care of cooper before he entered the world. the special visit to the hospital to see me after cooper was born, the shock and disbelief on the phone when i told her cooper was gone, the reliving of her own loss of a child, and the tears she cried with me yesterday when i gave her cooper's birth announcement. how does she continue to help mothers and babies when she knows first hand how tragically it can end? it is because medicine chose her, it is her calling.

these doctors affirm what i have known my entire life, you do not choose medicine, medicine chooses you. and i am so grateful that medicine chose these individuals and that i had the privelage of meeting them and they in return had the privelage of meeting cooper. i truly believe that in his short life he forever changed theirs.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

MONDAY, JUNE 21, 2010


today i got new ink.

ink for my sweet precious cooper.
ink to honor.
ink to remember.
ink to heal.

it is permanent.
just like his absence.
it hurts.
just like my heart.
it is swollen.
just like my eyes after shedding tears.
it has been a long time coming.
just like my healing.

it is a reminder.
that he is always with me.
that he gave me so much.
that i am lucky to have known him

and it is cathartic.

i think....

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


i think...

... i want to write a book. let me explain.

in those days, weeks and months after cooper died people sent me books. people who cared about me and thought that a book on grief would help. it was a nice gesture. and i did look at the books, and even attempted to read many of them. but i just couldn't. they were not what i needed. what i needed, besides the obvious, was someone's real life account of loss, not loss of a parent, sibling or spouse, but loss of a child. not a miscarriage.  a child. while a miscarriage is a loss, it is a different loss than losing a child who was born, who breathed and who lived with you.  i needed that book to not only be about the loss, but it needed some redemptive quality. a glimmer of hope that i would survive the chasm in my heart and find happiness again. that was the kind of book i needed and i could not find it.  i have mentioned my desire to write a book to a few close  tribe members, but have kept it to myself. now i am putting it out there.

why? because i have heard too many stories lately, one only yesterday, about people losing babies. i want them to know they are not alone, that despite having their world crumble around them that they will survive, they will have happiness and they will love another child again. so many people want to make their loved ones "ok" after a loss. perhaps it is our societal stigma or discomfort surrounding death. people struggle with the right thing to say, and say the wrong thing.  i could never fault people for wanting me to be ok after cooper died. but the reality is that what happened, losing him, was not ok. no one could make it ok. almost two years later, it is still not ok. but i am ok. and more than that, i am ok with his death not being ok. this was hard for me to wrap my mind around and even harder for those have not walked in my shoes. however, my ability to own the fact that his death was not ok, allowed my heart to mend, gave me the ability to find happiness and see the many gifts that my cooper gives me every single day. the biggest one being his little brother chace.

while my way of dealing with my loss is not the only way to do so, nor i have i always been graceful about it. i do work hard and have done hard work, sometimes impossible work since that day in december that forever changed my life. and every day i make a conscience choice to live my life in a way that honors cooper. there are still nights that i cry myself to sleep or want to go down the drain with the bath water, but i choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other each every morning and will continue to do so until the day that i die. and this is what i want people to know.

am i utterly crazy?


Monday, April 25, 2011



in november when the country came together and elected the 44th president of the united states, i remember feeling hopeful about cooper's future. that he would know an america where anyone could live the american dream, an america where race, creed, sexual orientation and economic diversity did not divide us, but brought us together. i was so proud to be an american that day and was so hopeful for our country's future.

i have been thinking alot about hope today and what it means. hope in its literal sense is a "desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fullment."

but in a more human sense hope is santa claus visiting on christmas eve. hope is routing for your football team. hope is finding the love of your life. hope is nuturing a baby for nine months and seeing him for the first time. hope is putting your sons life in the hands of highly trained doctors. hope is that all men are created equal. hope is standing together as a unified country, regardless of party lines. hope is a country where both a woman and an africian american ran for president. hope is two children whom you have never met seeing the world for the first time. hope is not crying myself to sleep for the first time in 5 weeks. hope is the bird on the bench outside of the church. hope is the look in my husbands eyes at the sound of my laughter yesterday. hope is the prospect of another child. hope is what you want and need it to be.

but most importantly, hope is what comes out of darkness and struggle, out of disappointment and failure, out pain and suffering, out of sacrifice and selflessness, and out of heartbreak and grief. hope is what you grasp to get you through the day, because without hope the challenges of life would be insurmountable.

i am wishing you hope on this historic day!


Sunday, April 24, 2011



i love...
the smell of the ocean
the feel of my favorite pair of jeans
the way my cowboy boots fit my feet
the quiet after the first major snowstorm
the smell of my puppies' paws
the sound of bailey and sabre singing to rascall flats
the start of college football

i love....
starting a new knitting project
starbucks black tea lemonade
the first sip of a cold diet coke
monthly manicures and pedicures
matinee movies
an ice cold beer on a hot day
fresh cut flowers from my back yard

i love....
my precious husband
my amazing family
my dear sweet friends

but nothing prepared me for the love i would have for my cooper. it is a love so pure, so deep, so raw. a love that exists in the deepest core of my being. a love that trancends life and death.

i love...
the way he smelled
the way he made squeaky bird noises
the way he smiled when he slept
the way he touched my face when the doctors showed him to me after he was born
the way he made funny faces
the way he rubbed his head when he got mad
the way his hair grew, just like mine
the way he made me a better person
the way he changed me forever
the way he taught me what true love is......

wishing you a little love on this valentines eve....

have baby will travel

Saturday, April 23, 2011

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010

have baby will travel

..... if it were only that easy.

the airline industry does not make it easy to travel with wee ones. but i do heart delta, or at least their flight crew.

**tsa security has to be the least baby/kid friendly bunch of people i have ever encountered. the tsa worker who had a slight resemblance to atila the hun, kicked off our day of travels in style. she didn'tbother to tell me that EVERYTHING had to go through the xraymachine until i was ready to walk through the scanner. she then proceeded to peck away at mom and i in a most annoying fashion. you know you have to take your shoes off? is that blanket attached to the car seat? the car seat has to be upside down? is there a reason you have two bins? give me a minute, atila. she then proceeded to tell my mom she didn't understand the security "process". that is like telling the pope he isn't catholic.

**why aren't there changing tables in airline bathrooms? i never reallycontemplated this until i was faced with a blowout diaper three quarters of the way into our first flight. once i realized that the bean had pooped, my biggest fear became a reality, and was compounded by the fact that i was sitting in first class. i quickly grabbed the bean and the diaper bag and walked to the bathroom, intent on mastering the art of changing a diaper while in flight. i put my stylish changing pad on the toilet seat, laid the bean down and got to work. it was evident that the blowout diaper was going to kick my ass. there was poop every where, all over his onesie, down or up his back. now, i did have the foresight to pack an extra change of clothes for the bean, but they were in another bag in some overhead compartment. but there was no way that the onesie could remain on the bean, so off it went and then bean went shirtless the remainder of the flight. as for the poopy onesie, well it can be found in recycling bin in the atlantaairport.

**news flash... each person on the flight PAID for their ticket, including me. so i am sorry if my screaming baby disrupted your 3 hour flight in first class. i had the pleasure of sitting next to "jack" on the second flight of the day. he was clearly annoyed that i had the nerve to bring my 12 week baby on the plane, much less sit in first class. so when bean started screaming, his annoyance became more visible with each cry. he had headphones on, but each time the bean screamed, he tensed up, huffed and slammed his book shut. this went on for about an hour and culminated in him grabbing his head in anguish over my screaming child. i decided to get out of my seat and walk around, hoping to quiet the screaming bean. when i asked him to let me out, you would have thought i was asking him to hold my son. the flight crew was made aware of "jack's" lovely demeanor and instantly had my back. i heart the delta flight crew. there was nothing redeeming about" jack" except for the fact that when i returned to my seat he was watching "justified."

**so, i have baby and will travel, but not without ph or a very stiff drink.

leaving on a jetplane.....

Friday, April 22, 2011

so chace and i are off to jamaica for the week.
we are looking forward to sun and warmth.
new friends and old.
fruit, fruit and more fruit.

did i mention the warmth?

i will be participating in a 7 day
technology detox.
no email, no texting.
no pintrest, no flickr.
no blogging, no blog reading.
but i will have my kindle.

that's ok right?

this will be good for me.
i need to reflect, relax,
rejuvenate and refocus
my creative energies.

and i think this place
is just the location for
my self imposed detox.

i decided to post some
of my favorite posts
from the last two years of blogging.

if you haven't read them,
i hope you enjoy them.
if you have read them,
well, i hope you reread them.

see you in a week.

west texas wind

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

growing up in west texas
there were a few things i could
always count on.

the flatness of the landscape.
amazing sunsets.
dust storms that turned the sky red.
tumble weeds, mesquite, and yucca plants.

and wind.
oh there was wind.
wind that would sandblast
your face, eliminating the need to exfoliate.

i suppose that was why the
application of hairspray is
so overused.

but it did not matter how much hairspray
you used, your hair still moved.
yes, mom, i hate to tell you,
your hair moved in the wind.

the last couple of days
we have had west texas wind
here in new york.
i am here to tell you

i DO NOT miss the wind.

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

** it snowed yesterday!

** not a little snow; big white fluffy snowflakes were falling from the sky.

** needless to say i can not wait to be in jamaica on friday.

** i have bought all sorts of treats to keep chace occupied on the plane ride.

** if those do not work, there is always my iphone.

** ph and i have car seat installation practice tonight.

** chace and i have been practicing getting in and out of the ergo without an extra set of hands.

** now, all we need to do is pack.

** i need to finish my bee blocks before i leave.

** i bought the infamous pink nail polish from jcrew.

** thought about putting on chace's toes, but they are too small to paint.

** i finally finished my friendship quilt that i made with athena.

** pictures coming soon.

** i am currently reading "montessori madness" )Montessori Madness! A Parent to Parent Argument for Montessori Education)

** and "dead or alive" Dead or Alive

** quite the contrast, no?

**happy tuesday!

another favorite

Monday, April 18, 2011

my favorite part of real simple magazine
is their page titled "thoughts"
this is from the may issue.

"a mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world.
  it knows no law, no pity, it dates all things and
  crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path"
                                                 -agatha christie

new favorites

Sunday, April 17, 2011

i have a new favorite lip balm.
it feels great.
it smells like summer.
it gives your lips a great shine.
and it is spf 15.

i would have never
discovered it, if it
were not for
jennifer at scott miller.

she subtly offered me
some lip conditioner
after creating my custom blend liquid foundation
and i could not turn her down.

it was the smell
that hooked me.
seriously it smells that good.
and since it is snowing as i type.
i will buy just about anything that
remotely resembles summer.

try it.
you wont be disappointed.

dear chace

Thursday, April 14, 2011

my dear sweet chace,

as evident by this picture, taken this afternoon, you are every bit of 14 months. you had such fun toddling around the yard. you were so proud carrying this flower, but you did not  like how it smelled.

in the last month, you have changed so much. you are no longer a baby, you turned into a little boy this past month. you are constant motion, opening and closing doors, going up and down the stairs, and taking things out of drawers and putting them back in. the only time you are not moving is when you are sleeping, and this is a stretch because you turn circles in your sleep.

you are the happiest child that i know. seriously. you are happy all the time. the only time you are disgruntled is when you want a change of scenery. like yesterday when we were in the tv room playing, and you wanted to roam the house. all of a sudden you started squawking at me in this loud, stern, direct voice. i do not know what you were saying, but the message was very clear, " i want to roam the house, mama, now!"

i love watching you interact with others in public. you are always meeting new people, sharing your "finds" and smiling at those you encounter. you are such an extrovert and are only shy when you are playing shy.

your vocabulary has increased. your favorite word besides "mama" is "yaya". you also say yellow and red. you know where the moon is, where your head is and what a sheep says. your dad and i have decided that you are a perfect candidate for montessori school and we have an appointment to tour the school in a few weeks. i think it will be so good for you and that you will love it.

next week, you and i are going on our first solo trip to jamaica. we will be joining yaya. i am so looking forward to the warm weather. i know you will love being able to swim, play outside and not having  to wear a coat. i am a little nervous about maneuvering through the airport with all your gear, but i am sure we will be just fine. we have been practicing getting in and out of the ergo carrier without any help. i think this will be a great bonding adventure for us.

i love watching you discover the world around you. every day is a new adventure and i am so glad that i am here to share it with you.

loving you always

dear jenna

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

dear jenna lyons (president and creative director of j.crew)

i think you are brilliant.
i have thought that ever since you
joined j crew.

you inserted new life
into the brand.
my closet thanks you
and my son's closet thanks you.

when i received the new catalog
in the mail
and saw you with your darling son.
and his fabulous pink toes.

i did not gasp.
i did not think it was inappropriate.
i did not flinch.
and i did not think you were "gender bending".

i thought "great color."
i thought "great style."
i thought "what a great mom/son moment."
and i thought "look how happy he is."

after hearing the uproar
on the news this morning.
i say bravo!
bravo! bravo!

bravo for not conforming
to strict gender roles.
bravo for having a moment
with your son.

i am sure that you did not expect
the reaction that has occurred.
i don't think you were meaning to
make a political statement.
(but if you were, well played).

lets be honest,
the conversation that should be taking place
is not about the color of your son's toenails.
but rather the fact this country
is still very homophobic.

this makes me very sad for
my child
my country
and the generations to come.

thank you for pointing this out.
please keep being your
fabulous, creative self.


tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

** i just woke up from a nap.

** to be honest, i wish i was still sleeping.

** yesterday it was almost 80.

** it was glorious.

** today, it is back to reality.

** it is 46 outside.

** but my daffodils are blooming.

** i can not wait to be in jamaica.

** ph suggested i go tanning because i am so white.

** sunscreen my dear.

** i want this fabric

** i think it would make a darling boy quilt

** in the middle in the night i walk into the corner of our bed.

** i let out a long line of expletives.

** and am surprised that i did not wake chace up.

** you should see the bruise on my leg.

** it really hurts.

** i need to practice taking the car seat out of the car and reinstalling it.

**so i will be prepared for our trip.

** hope it is warm where you are today.

a moment

Monday, April 11, 2011

to the zoo

Sunday, April 10, 2011

this morning we went to the zoo.
we have a small zoo.
but it is nice and a great place to spend the morning.
i am sure we will spend some quality time there this summer.

the animals were just waking up
and some of them were still in their houses.
it was a cool morning and they were slow moving.
so there was not a ton of animal action.

the animals always seem so sad.
there is this secret part of me that
wants to return them to the wild.
i wonder what they think and feel.

chace reacted just like i thought he would.
he took it all in.
stoic, thoughtful, contemplative.
i wonder if the animals seemed sad to him too?

he seemed to like the sea lions best.
no surprise there.
since his mama wanted to be a marine biologist.
but he got more excited about the trees and the birds
that were not a part of any exhibit.

i definitely know where that came from!

return to the classics

Saturday, April 9, 2011

during junior high school
i had a string of memorable english teachers.
mrs. farrell, mrs. watson, and mrs. stafford.
to be precise.

they seemed so old back then.
but in hindsight,
they were not old at all.
they were full of spunk.

they were tough.
they demanded excellence.
they taught me the proper use of good and well.
and they made us read the classic.

and i mean read the book
word for word.
not skim
or read the cliff notes.

there are some books
that stayed with me over the years.
to kill a mockingbird, the yearling, the great gatsby
catcher in the rye, pride and prejudice and a tale of two cities.

there were others that i read
and then promptly forgot.
jane eyre was one of those books.

so when i saw jane eyre last night,
i was ill-prepared.
however, i think was was a good thing.
i had no expectations.

and i loved it.
it was tragic, heartbreaking, and beautiful.
it was about love.
the kind of love you can not live without.

i loved it so,
that i think in honor of
my english teachers
i need to re-read some of the classics.

do you have it?

Friday, April 8, 2011

my mom taught us how to write thank you notes.
she made us to eat with our elbows off the table.
to say please and thank you, yes ma'am and no ma'am.
to be polite and do the right thing.

she provided us with home-training.
that is what we call it on our house.
if you were not taught these things
well, you have no home-training.
and yes we talk about this very openly in our family.

today,  i took chace to a local rec center for open gym.
he loves it. he can run around and interact with other kids.
but these types of activities are an interesting study in human behavior,
more specifically parenting.
and home training.

as i was observing the chaos around us.
it was very evident which children
were going to have home training and which ones were not.

the child who kept screaming while slamming the riding motorcycle
on the ground while his father looked on.
no home training.
the little girl who shared her ball with chace.
home training.
the little boy who drove his motorcycle into chace
and then looked at me like chace did something wrong.
no home training.
the little girl who accidentally kicked chace but then apologized.
home training.

i could go on and on and on.
what amazes me is that children are just like their parents.
it is so obvious to recognize, even at such an early age.
so not only do i know who is going to have home training,
but i know which adults had no home training when they were young.

this is an aspect of parenting that is inevitable
i just did not think it be so soon.
and based on our outing today
i think we need more home training in the world.

just sayin.....

a moment

Thursday, April 7, 2011

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

** i have an ear infection.

** let me rephrase that... i have an ear infection and a perforated ear drum.

** ouch!

**happy 3-0 athena!

**have you been wanting to do something for the victims of japan?

** dont know what to do?

** check out  handmade for japan.

**did i mention that chace only wants to eat fruit?

** i am beginning to get a little worried.

** it is still not warm here.

** i keep telling ph it is going to be june before the magnolia blooms.

** fortunately, we leave for jamaica in 18 days.

** my hair is out of control today.

** i need a haircut.

** but dont have one scheduled for 2 weeks.

** we now are the proud owners of a fish.

** this is out second fish, the first one croaked.

** chace loves fish.

** i need to sew.

** but have been unmotivated to do so.

** i got this bag in the mail.

** apparently someone still thinks i own a yarn store.

** and wants me to sell their product.

** it is so you can walk and knit at the same time.

** hell, most days i can not walk and chew gum at the same time.

** so i am not going to even attempt to walk and knit.

for finn

Monday, April 4, 2011

i can finally share the quilt i made for finn.
it is not what i had in mind when i found out
i would have a nephew, but i think its just perfect.
perfect for a little boy who was born in the wild state of alaska.

my how we have grown

Friday, April 1, 2011

last night, i was rereading some posts from last year.
oh my how things have changed.
i was laughing so hard i was crying.
if you need a good laugh,
read this post.
and the one before
and the one after.

after i wiped the tears from my eyes
and stopped laughing.
i asked ph if i had lost my
blogging mojo.
i am not funny anymore.
i don't have funny stories.

i began obsessing and over thinking
because, well that is what i do.
i obsess.
so obsess is what i did for
most of the night and most of the day.

then i had a thought.
its not that i am not funny.
or funny things dont happen.
its just that we have settled into life.
life as a parent.
life as a family.
and that is a very good thing.

i am still neurotic,
driven, obsessive.
the things i worried about last year
are not concerns this year.
this is how life progresses.

these days
i follow chace around the house
making sure he remembers
to go down the stairs feet first.
telling him that we do not
play in the toilet bowl.
reminding him that he could drown
in the dog's water bowl.

we spend the mornings
taking socks out of bins
and putting them back.
we smell the people.
we play with puzzles,
read books and practice our colors.

most afternoons
we climb the stairs,
play with the tupperware,
and have at least one meltdown.
the falling on the floor, kicking our feet
and biting the carpet kind of meltdown.

i laugh hysterically.
chace decides its not worth
getting carpet burn over
and joins in the laughter.

this is how we spend our days.
i am sure once chace starts talking.
i will become funny again.
have funny stories to share.

but for now.
i will take comfort in our growth.