Playing in my mind

Monday, December 17, 2012

This song is one that reminds me of cooper.
It has been playing in my mind since Friday.


Who you'd be today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin in the rain
I still can't believe your gone

It ain't fair: you died too young
Like the story that had just begun.
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how much I miss you.
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin no one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder
Who you'd be today?

Would you see the work? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair : you died too young
Like the story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you
All the hell I've been through
Just knowin no one could take your place.
An sometimes I wonder
Who you'd be today?

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I will see you again some day.

no words

Friday, December 14, 2012

there are no words
for the events that took
place today in newtown ct.

there are no words.
there is sadness.
there is outrage.
there is immense grief.
but there are no words.

my heart hurts
for the families of those
precious children whose
lives were cut short.

i wish i could hold
each of their parents.
i would tell them i understand
how their heart is shattered
in a million pieces.

i would tell them
that their grief is my grief.
i would tell them that i feel
the weight of their loss.

i would tell them
that i know this club
they have unwilling entered.

i would hold them close.
i would absorb their tears.
i would listen to their screams.
i would just be there,
knowing that there is nothing
that can make it hurt less.

and i would tell them
that out of the darkness comes light.
it may take days, weeks, months or years,
but the light will come.

they must hold on to the
knowledge and hope that it will come.
and until that day arrives, there are many people
who are shining the light on them
and their sweet precious angels.


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

lately,  I have been underground
i haven't had much to say.
but my mind has been busy.
constantly moving while working.

trying to honor the past
while staying in the present.
dreading this time of year
but finding myself viewing the magic
of Christmas through chace's eyes.

music has always played a role in my world
specifically lyrics.
words have the ability to calm me
and help sort out whatever emotion I am feeling.

so while I have been working away in
my sewing room I have been listening
to songs that remind me of cooper
and the emotions this time of year bring.

i thought I would share some of those
songs with you over the next few days.

"over  you"

weatherman said its gonna snow
by now I said be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldnt be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the present, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you and I am not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along with every song
I know you didn't mean to leave them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I 'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I'm not going to ever get over you

-miranda lambert
How dare you?
I miss you

happy making

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

dear cooper

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

my dear sweet cooper.

it is hard for me to believe that it has been four years since the day you entered the world and changed our lives forever.

i have spent much of today thinking about who you would be today, on your birthday. what kind of party would you choose? who would you invite? would you love cake the way your little brother does?
would you still have blond hair? blue eyes? would you be serious? quiet? or extroverted? what would your voice sound like when you said "i love you mama."? would your love trains? dinosaurs? or would  it be superheros? sports? would you snort when you laughed? would you snuggle up to read books?

the answers to these questions i will never know.

but this i do know about you, you had the ability to look into my soul. to touch my heart like no other. you were wise beyond your years. you were a fighter, strong and determined until your last breath. my time with you made me a better person, a better mother, a more compassionate individual. you taught me more lessons in 3 weeks than i could learn in a lifetime. i feel you with me all the time. you give me the strength to move forward, to push myself, to follow my dreams. you have given me so many gifts. friendships that exist solely because of you. i am grateful beyond words. you taught me that out of such great loss can come great self awareness and clarity.  that how i choose to live is simply a choice every single day. i feel blessed and privileged to have known you, loved you and to know that you are and always will be my child.

i guess today i am a mix of emotions. there is a dull ache in my heart. i am sad. i miss you. but still even four years later, i still believe if given the choice between never knowing you or knowing you for a brief time and losing you, i would still choose the latter.

happy birthday my sweet boy.

love and miss you


Thursday, November 22, 2012

even though cooper's birthday
is still five days away.
i associate this birth with thanksgiving.

in the spirit of being thankful
i thought i would  repost his birth story.
because i am so thankful that i am his mom!


my dear sweet precious cooper,

a year ago today you entered the world, stole our hearts and forever changed our lives. oh, how i wish we were celebrating your first birthday and making new memories, instead of holding on to the memories of your short time with us.

the night before you were born, your dad and i were about to fall asleep and we told you that it would be perfectly fine with us if you wanted arrive early. i had this gut feeling that you would be born on thanksgiving day and it would get us out ofthanksgiving dinner. you must have heard us talking and decided to indulge our wish, or maybe you somehow knew you would only be here a short while. whatever the reason, your early arrival gave us a full 3 weeks with you and for that i am grateful.

i slept fairly well that night and woke up at 5:30 because i was uncomfortable and had to go to the bathroom. it was then that my water broke and i just smiled to myself. i woke up your dad to tell him i thought it was time and went downstairs to call the doctor. he said to make our way to the hospital. iwasn't having contractions and wasn't in any pain, so i knew we had some time. your dad made coffee and i headed upstairs to pack our bag. we had been talking about how we should pack the hospital bag, but just never got around to it. i grabbed a diet coke on the way out the door and we arrived at the hospital around 6:30.

and then we waited, and waited and waited. since it was thanksgiving, the nurses worked shorter shifts, so we had three different ones by the time you were born. we watched alot of football games and waited. finally at 10 pm, after 16 hours of waiting your heart rate started to elevate and the dr decided that it was best if he delivered you via c-section.

you were born at 10:51 pm on thursday november 27th, 2008. when the nurses showed you to me, i immediately noticed your blond hair and that your hairline was the same as mine, a family trait without a doubt. you reached out and touched my face, as if you knew what lie ahead and were telling me it would be ok. the nurses then took you, cleaned you up and you met your dad. i love how you held on to his finger for strength and courage. after they finished sewing me up they let me hold you while they wheeled us to recovery. i remember thinking, "i cant believe they are letting me hold my baby, i am so drugged, aren't they afraid i will drop him?"

once we got to the recovery room, the nurse was about to hand you to me when she noticed that you looked a little blue. so they took you away and started doing tests. it seemed like an eternity before they told us that you needed to go to the nicu at strong and that you would be transported by ambulance. it felt like someone had ripped my heart out, i just met you and they were taking you away. little did i know how my heart would shatter in the coming weeks.

all i wanted to do was get out of the hospital and get to you. when we finally were able to see you, love you and hold you, i knew that my heart was no longer mine, it belonged to you and i would do whatever necessary to keep you safe.

cooper, there isn't a day that goes by that i don'tmiss you, that my heart doesn't ache to hold you, or wonder what you would be like on your first birthday. but i know this,by having you, knowing you and loving you, i am a better person and will be a better mother to your little brother. you changed me and for that i am grateful.

happy birthday cooper austin!

loving and missing you always

the doctor

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

this time of year, i spend
a great deal of time
with my thoughts.
some are memories
some are "what if's"
some are me trying to reconcile
the past with the present.

lately, i have been thinking
about the gifts that cooper
gave me  and how grateful
i am for those gifts.

the most unexpected gift is the
friendship that has slowly blossomed
with his cardiologist, dr m,
over the last 4 years.

i first met dr m in the waiting
room of nicu,  some 30 odd hours
after giving birth and learning
that my son was born with a heart defect.

she had spent more time
with our newborn son than his parents.
we were anxious to hold him in our arms
and spend time with him.

dr m understood this but 
knew there was much to explain.
she had a calm and confidence about
her that put me at ease, despite the fact
that my world was spinning out of control.

she was kind and compassionate.
she answered our questions,
even ones that in hindsight seem so trivial.
like will he be able to play hockey? or ski?

she wasnt condescending when
i realized for the first time
that "surgical repair" meant open heart surgery.
she explained in a very calm voice that one day
the girls would love the scar over his heart.

we left that meeting with a plan.
a plan that would be driven
by cooper's heart and
could change at any given moment.
we did not know the journey we were on,
or that our relationship would extend
beyond the walls of a medical office.

i remember many details about that day.
the shock, pain and sadness, but when i reflect
on the morning of december 18th,
 i am incredibly grateful.
grateful that dr m was cooper's doctor.

i will never forget her coming out to the
waiting room to give us an update.
i knew i needed to call my parents to
tell them to come to the hospital.
i could not do it, so i asked her to call.
ok, i basically threw my phone in her hands.

looking back i realize the enormity
of that request.
i was asking her to not only call my father,
the grandfather of her patient,
but to call a fellow doctor, as well.

i know how difficult this was 
and I will be forever grateful.

the heart team doesn't lose many patients.
they have a very high success rate. 
i know how heavy cooper's death
weighed on their hearts. 
i saw it in their tears, in their sadness
and in the way that they said goodbye to our sweet baby.

here we are four years later,
i will never understand why cooper died,
but, i am certain that he brought
dr m and i together .
some how he knew that we needed each
other, even if we didn't realize it yet.

i imagine that dr m doesn't get the opportunity
to know the families of her patients outside
of the hospital, especially the families 
of those children who don't make it.

it is my hope that watching ph, chace and i
dr m finds some peace knowing that despite
such heartbreak there can be healing, joy, and happiness.
as the daughter of a doctor who loses more patients
than he saves, I understand that doctors are human.
they are not god and even when everything goes 
as hoped, the outcome can be the one that no one wants.

for me, seeing dr m at yoga
makes me feel like all is right in the world.
having her on the mat next to me
brings me a peace and connection to cooper 
that i can not explain.

perhaps it is knowing that he brought us together
or that our lives are forever changed because of him

this I do know,
i am grateful that dr m was his dr
and more importantly that she is my friend. 


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Have you met the newest member of our family?
Before you get excited....
It's not a puppy or a pony
We are not expecting another child.
Let me repeat.
We are not expecting another child.
Although this project has taken 
Almost 9 months to complete.

Last April I embarked on a path to take
My business go the next level.
To get serious about my work, thus 
Making my creative endeavors 
More than hobby .

Scary. Yes!
But I believed in my product.
Believed that this is part of cooper's gift
And I owed it to him, myself and my family
To take a leap of faith.
To follow my heart
My dreams
And leap!

I am so proud to share with you.
I am giddy, nervous, excited, 
Anxious, scared and inspired 
By what the future holds.

And I hope you will come along 
On the journey!



Thursday, November 8, 2012

time flies by.
time stands still.
time heals all wounds.
i need more time.
all i have is time.
take your time.
time marches on.

these phrases we use
and hear every single day.
and it has got me thinking about time
and what it means to me.

when i went to vote on tuesday
it was heavy on my mind.
the last presidential election
i was very pregnant with cooper.
i was counting down the days
till his arrival.

i want time to speed up
because i was tired of being pregnant
and wanted to meet my son.
i wanted to time to slow down
because i wanted to enjoy doing nothing
but knitting and watching law and order.

when he was born and we learned of
his heart defect i wanted time to stop.
i knew somewhere in my heart,
in my soul that my time with him
would be limited.

after his death, i heard
"time will heal your heart"
or "give it time, it will get easier"
my heart hasn't healed,
but it is not so raw all the time.
there is a scar over my wounded heart
that sometimes is ripped off.
but when the scar is there, the loss
is easier to live with...

early on i counted his absence in
minutes, hours and days.
i am still aware of those things
but it does not dictate my day.
i am acutely aware of it as we approach
his birthday and anniversary of his death.
but i think that is normal.

you see, i have learned this about time.
it waits for no one.
i have a choice
i can focus on time lost,
not having enough time,
or wishing time would move faster
or i can live in THIS moment.
enjoying every second, minute and hour
that i have today, with chace,
ph, my family and friends.

because the only way to really grasp time
is to fully live it.

i want to be a hedgehog

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

around the end of september
chace and i started talking about
what he wanted to be for halloween.

he looked at me with a
blank look in his eye,
as is if to say, what is halloween?

i pulled up the pottery barn kids website
and we started looking at costumes.
each one we came to, he said "no"

then all of sudden, a hedgehog was on the screen
his eyes got big and lit up.
he pointed to the screen
and said "i want to be a hedgehog, mamma"

so, we ordered the costume.
when it arrived and we opened the box.
he wanted nothing to do with it.
he would not try it on
he said he didnt want to be a hedgehog.

i didnt push it.

i would ask him what he was going to be for halloween.
"i am going to be a hedgehog, but i dont want to wear the costume,"
was the standard response he gave.
he remained steadfast in his refusal to wear his costume.

so we have a really cute hedgehog costume
hanging in the closet
and a mama who is hoping he will wear it next year.

happy halloween!

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

** happy tuesday!

** i am happy to report that we did not lose power, or trees in the storm.

** but there are plenty of people here in the area that did.

** yesterday, when i went to wegmans people were shopping like it was the end of the world.

** the checkout guy asked me "if i was shopping for the storm?'

** my answer, " no, just my monday morning shopping."

** schools were cancelled.

** but they could have gone to school.

** back at it tomorrow.

** mayday underground art and craft is this saturday.

** if you live in rochester come out for some holiday shopping.

** i will be launching a new design at this show.

** the website is so close to being live.

** the holdup is me.

** i need to photograph inventory and list in the shop.

** i dislike taking pictures of product.

**its pizza night tonight.

** i love pizza night because ph makes pizza.

** i am on the constant quest for the perfect pair of jean and boots.

** sigh.

** hope you all are well.

the whole is the goal

Friday, October 26, 2012

the whole is the goal.
that was the message
monday night during yoga.
these 5 words have been
bouncing around in my head, ever since.

i have been trying to make sense of it
figure out what it means for me.
i dont have an answer
i dont have an explantation.
but this is what i have figured out.

there are times when life
feels so fragmented, compartmentalized.
as if the only way to get through each day.
is to check off the to do lists.
 it can be easy to lose track of the bigger picture.
the importance of living life to the fullest.

there are times when i feel so broken.
my heart damaged beyond repair.
as if the pain is never going to  stop
and the wound will never heal.

and then there are moments when everything feels as if it should.
when i hear chace say "i love you mama"
or when i see chace's face light up when he sees his daddy.
when we are together in the midst of a family hug.
nothing else matters. life is complete.

life will never be whole, until
we are no longer on this earth.
because if life were full or whole or complete
all the time, there would be
no reason to make ourselves or our world better.

sometimes we are lucky enough
to have moments when we feel whole
and when those moments fade
we seek to find the balance
so that wholeness can be felt again.

after all, the whole is the goal.

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

** chace and i made pumpkin, oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies yesterday.

** they are so good.

**potty training is going well.

** except for pooping.

** i am so tired of cleaning poop pants.

** i want to throw them away.

** ph says he will clean them.

** so i have been leaving them in his sink.

**yoga was awesome tonight.

** the whole is the goal.

** mayday underground is in two weeks.

** i have spent the last two days cutting fabric.

** getting ready for a sewing marathon.

**i know i have said this before, but if you dont watch homeland, you should!

** the new website is getting closer to launching.

** i love it!

** chace has thursday and friday off of school.

** parent teacher conferences.

** chace is going to be a hedgehog for halloween.

** he picked out the costume.

** happy tuesday!

** xoxo

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

** we had chicken enchilada soup for dinner.

** i love the crockpot.

** tomorrow wilbur is being butchered.

** no, this is not the pig from charlotte's web.

** it is a 600 pound cow that we purchased with two other families.

** this means that soon i will have 200 pounds of red meat in my freezer.

** i hope that there is room.

** sunday we are having a family photo shoot at a pumpkin patch.

** i am pretty excited about it.

** chace only had one accident today.

** m&ms do wonders.

** but i want to eat them too.

** i had a great yoga practice tonight.

** homeland sunday was AMAZING.

** in my next life i am going to be in the CIA

** last night i started reading the causal vacancy.

** i hope my expectations are not too high.

** i sent out the first batch of rewards today for the lucends: stitching from the heart campaign.

** the website is coming along.

** i am so excited to share it with you all.

** i am joyful.

** are you?

d day

Sunday, October 14, 2012

tomorrow is d day.
otherwise known as
no more diapers day.
or operation potty training.
or designated big boy underwear day.

chace attends a montessori school.
he is currently in the toddler room.
he will soon be ready to move up
to the primary room.

he desperately wants to go upstairs
to the big class room.
there is something intriguing about
going up the stairs.
and alot of his friends from last year
have moved upstairs.

but in order to move up
he has to be potty trained.
its the montessori way.

i was talking to his teacher
and she thinks i should just send him
to school in underwear.
as well as several changes of clothes.
this makes me very nervous.
but she has potty trained alot of toddlers.
so i trust her.

i am still nervous.
my biggest fear is getting
from the house to school
without an accident.
i guess that i why
i am bringing several sets of clothes.

let the operation potty training commence.
lets hope i have enough strength to endure!

today is the day...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

today is the day.....

.. to let go of some of the hurt, not the BIG hurt i do that everyday, but some of the stuff i have been holding on to.

.. to branch out and take a class with a new yoga teacher.

.. to allow myself to rest.

.. to let chace help me make dinner and not care about the mess he makes.

.. to recommit to my yoga practice.

.. to let go of some control.

.. to be kinder to myself. be able to truly be empathetic.

.. to start weight watchers. enjoy the moments with chace. accept what is. stand up for myself. be more patient. start having family dinners more often. play soccer with chace.

.. to chase my dreams, not matter how far away they seem. realize that i may not accomplish this list today and there is always tomorrow. understand that the point is live every single moment as if it were my last, with no regrets.

today is the day......

spirit of a storm

Monday, October 1, 2012

this time of year is such a contradiction for me.
full of conflicting feelings.
extreme feelings really.
there are moments of pure bliss.
there are moments of sadness.
and then there are moment of just grey.

there are so many things
that i love about fall.
if you asked me to name my favorite season,
i would tell you fall.
but in the next breath i would tell you
i hate fall.

i love the crisp air.
the way the clouds look in the sky
the smell of leaves that have fallen from the trees
i love being able to wear my cowboy boots and jeans
the arrival of college football
the smell of comfort food in the kitchen.

but every year around mid september
it starts building.
my mood shifts.
i go inside myself.
i become quiet
scars get irritated
and those really deep ones ache.
i become more driven
more reflective.
hunkering down for the storm i know is coming.

those who know me best
can pinpoint the moment it begins.
giving up hope that this would be the year
that was different.

but it is not meant to be this year.
i dont think it will ever change,
there is no amount of medication
that can quiet the brewing storm.
it is part of who i am
and those around me try to
hang on for the ride
and look forward to the end of december
when it it magically lifts.

i have an idea

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

i have an idea
is a phrase that chace
uses frequently.
i am not sure where
he acquired such a phrase,
but it seemed appropriate for this post.

chace still uses a paci.
there is part of me that
is horrified to admit that to you.
but it is true.

he does not take it to school.
ideally, he only uses it at naptime
and bedtime.
i said ideally.

but the reality is he loves his paci.
he also knows that if he asks for it
enough, i will relent and give it to him.

i understand the love of the paci.
i had many as a child.
i used them until i was 3 or 4 years old.
then my thumb replaced my beloved paci.

( and it should be noted that i was the only one in my family who did not wear braces)

the paci has become
a point of contention in our household.
it bothers ph much more than it does me.

i know that chace will not
go to college with his beloved paci.
ducky may go, but paci will not.
i also know that he will not take it kindergarden
his first soccer practice or his first sleepover.

but my precious husband is not if the same mindset.
he sees it in his mouth when he comes home from work
and it makes him crazy.
he thinks his 2.5 year old son does not need a paci.

my idea?
well i am out of town the next two weekend.
i think it would be a perfect time
to throw out the paci.
ph has much more will power than i do.
and since it bothers him, i think he should be the one to do the dirty work.

do you like my idea?

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

** this sinus infection is kicking my ass.

** my teeth hurt, my eyes hurt, basically everything on my head hurts.

**but i started antibiotics today so hopefully that will do the trick.

** i NEED to get back to yoga.

** i have not been since i returned home.

** i feared that i might drown in yellow snot during downward dog.

** i know, not a pretty image.

** i am heading to utica this weekend for the Indie Garage Sale.

** of course i am trying to sew lots of new stuff in record time.

** have you been watching the voice?

** love that show.

** you know what else i love?

** homeland

** fall

** and apples with peanut butter.

**my hair is finally feeling long and i dare say it is past the awkward growing out stage.

** the website is coming together.

** beyond excited to share it.

** soon my friends soon

** back to the sewing machine.

** happy tuesday

two and a half

Thursday, September 20, 2012

hold him a little longer
rock him a little more
tell him another story
(you've only told him four)
let him sleep on your shoulder
rejoice in his happy smile
he is only two and a half
for such a little while

           _author unknown

i was looking for a particular quote this evening on one of my pinterest boards, when this caught my eye. i needed this reminder today.

craft show musings

Sunday, September 16, 2012

today, i participated in Artist Row,
a craft show held at our public market.
i did this show last year
and really enjoyed it.

craft shows are alot of work
and filled with anxiety.
will i be accepted?
will i sell anything?
will anyone like my work?
it goes on and on....

this being said,
i enjoy these shows.
i catch up with old customers
and friends
and make new ones.
the people watching is pretty fantastic.
and the things that you over hear people say about your work is well..

here are some of my favorites from the day: ( followed by what i wish i could say)

do you paint your own fabric? ( paint? what about this fabric looks painted? if i had time i would design my own fabric, some day i will, but i am too busy to design it much less paint it)

$20 for that? ( what the hell do you mean? do you know much that fabric cost? if you want cheap buy something made in china by a small child.)

i could make that.
i should get out my sewing machine.
i am going to ask my mom to make me one. ( i hear this over and over again. i am sure you could make it, but you dont and you wont, so you should just buy it. and even if you tried, you could not replicate it. i have a style all my own and i am good at putting fabric together and you cant do it like i do, but go ahead and try and let me know how that works out for you.)

you make all this? ( who do you think made it? my elves)

where do you buy your fabric? ( i could tell you, but i would have to kill you.)

do you have a website? ( didnt you just read my business card?)

i think you should make...... ( i am sure i could make it, but i dont because i dont want to.)

and my favorite

the old ladies who pick up my work and examine every single stitch hoping to find some glaring mistake, put it down and then tell me that it is well made. ( in this case i smile, say thank and feel very satisfied.)

it was a great show
but ph and i just chuckled
okay, we laughed pretty hard
over some of the things we heard people say.

i wonder what they will say in utica?

greece in photos

Thursday, September 13, 2012

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

** hi.

** did you miss me?

** i missed you.

** we are home from greece.

** we are back in the flow of things.

** i am happy to report that jet lag is over.

** we had a grand time in greece.

** i promise a post is coming of pictures.

** only pictures.

** i took 600 pictures and it is taking me a while to edit them and weed out the bad ones.

** i also have some funny posts about travel and parenting...

** chace started school monday.

** he is happy to be back.

** i have a show this weekend.

** and another one in 2 weeks.

** so i am back at the sewing machine.

** i needed the creative break.

** i am creatively recharged.

** i have 4 new bag designs!

** i can not wait to sew them up!

** it feels like fall.

** cold nights and warm days.

** i ate a honeycrisp apple today.

** heaven.

** the new website is coming along.

** i am beyond excited.

** i am getting my hair cut and hi-lighted tonight.

** whew!

** it is slowly growing.

** i am so happy that football has started.

** happy fall.

** happy tuesday.

** xoxoxo

greece bound

Sunday, August 19, 2012

we are off!
see you in three weeks!

and he can hear!

Friday, August 17, 2012

chace is feeling much better.
the doctor mentioned that his
hearing may be improved
because apparently there was a lot of fluid in his ears.

i have this feeling that
he was having a hard time hearing
because today he was very loud.
as if he was hearing his voice
for the first time in a long time.

i just hope he figures it out
before we get on the plane sunday.


Friday, August 10, 2012

one of the residual side effects
of losing a child is always thinking
something bad is going to happen.

let me explain....

chace has had ear troubles
for the last couple of weeks.
yesterday, i took him to see
the ENT.

he took one look in his ears
and said, "he needs tubes"
now, this was not a surprise to me.
but we are leaving in 9 days for greece.
and lets face it, tubes will make the
entire trip more enjoyable for all.
but the timing is not ideal.

when they said we will do surgery
on wednesday the 15th, there was this
awakening in the pit of my stomach.
a feeling of anxiety, fear and panic.

from an intellectual perspective,
i know that tubes are not a big deal.
its a simple procedure.
44 million sets of tubes are put in every year.
this is not life threatening.
this is not the same as open heart surgery.

but that feeling in my stomach
is not rational.
it is pure raw emotion.
it is my heart.
it is my soul.
it does not think.
it feels.

it remembers cooper.
the heartache.
the loss.
the pain.
the anger.
the darkness.
it says not again.
i can not go through that again.

the moments between now and next wednesday
will be a battle between my intellectual and emotional selves.
and believe me they will battle.
however, i do believe that acknowledging the conflict is
part of the grieving and healing process.
learning to tame the crazy emotions are the only way to move forward,
otherwise it would too easy to let them take over and give in to the darkness.

so i will try to breathe deeper.
to let the irrational thoughts go.
to not follow their storylines.
and focus on the rational thoughts.
knowing that in 9 short days
we will be in greece and all will be well.

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

** happy tuesday.

** it feels like i havent written a tidbits post in a while.

** the lucends indiegogo campaign is closed.

** i exceed my goal.

** woohoo!

** thank you to all who helped out!

** i can not wait to share the website with you all!

** it will be ready the end of september.

**chace is at art camp this week.

** this is giving me some much needed work time.

** the artsy mamas show is august 16th

** atritst row at the public market is september september 16th.

** i am greece in between the two shows!

** i am so excited to return to greece.

** chace, my mom and i will head over two weeks before ph and my dad.

** i have loved watching the olympics.

** i am staying up way too late.

** that usa women's soccer game was something else yesterday.

** i am looking forward to the gold medal game on thursday.

** it has been very hot here.

** i am looking forward to fall.

** it is my favorite season.

**ok. i have to go pick up chace from camp.

** have a good one

** xoxo

reflection : a year of yoga

Thursday, August 2, 2012

it is hard to believe
that is has been a year since
i completed my new to yoga series.

i was skeptical when i signed up
and downright nervous when
i walked into the studio for
that first class.

but much to my surprise
i loved it and it has become
an important part of my life.

what do i love?

the messages
the sweat
the ability to have 75 minutes completely to myself
the strength i feel
the sense of calm and clarity it brings
the lessons it teaches
the friends i have made
the community
the mental challenge
the physical challenge
the emotional challenge
the heat

what have i learned?

to breathe deeply
to allow myself to be vulnerable
to be kind to myself
to trust myself
to be more patient with those around me
that my gut is usually right
that challenges are simply challenges.
that i am physically stronger than i give myself credit for
that i often think too much
that grief work continues even in the middle of half moon

i do not have a body that screams
i practice yoga, maybe one day i will
but i can do poses now
that i never dreamed i would be able to do.
i am stronger, much stronger
and my life is much fuller because
of this practice.

past present and future

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

cooper has been on my mind alot lately.
chace has been on my mind lot lately.
there has been a tug on my heart.
one foot firmly rooted in the future
and the other planted in the past.

i think it is because the olympics are on.

during the last summer games
i was pregnant with cooper
ph and i would lay in bed
and watch the olympics late at night.
we were excited to be come parents
and we talked about our hopes and dreams
for our unborn son.
we were completely unaware of how
unfair and cruel lie would be in the months to come.
that we would be forced to say goodbye too soon
to a child we loved so much.

chace was born shortly after the winter olympics started.
i remember being in the hospital and watching
the events late into the night because i couldnt sleep.
i was mourning cooper and celebrating chace all in the same breath.
i cried many of tears during those olympic games.
when we took chace home, we would hold him
watch his every move to the background of the winter games.
and i would try to make sense of what i was feeling.

so it is with different memories and emotions that i watch
the london olympics, but the thing that is consistent is that
all the emotions, feelings and memories are full of love.
i still cry when i when i watch the olympics.
i now know what kind of love exits between a
parent and a child and just how deep that love runs.

even though cooper is not here, the love i have
for him is with me, just as the love that i have
for his brother.
it is what keeps me connected to my past, grounded in the present,
and looking toward the future.

things he says.....

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

** i am a rockstar

** i am a winner

** mommy i need fresh air

** i am a pitcher

** is that dirty water?

** i want a big apple juice (referring to the oversized box they sell you at starbucks)

** germs make me sick

** does mommy have a p*nis? (very loudly in the locker room at the pool club)

** mommy is going to yoga. i need to go to yoga.

** i want to go on a big adventure.

** i want to go to school.

** i am going on a big big airplane to greece.

** i have brown eyes, mommy have green eyes and daddy have brown eyes.

** i waannnttt the cooper hawk.

and my favorite..

**"mommy"repeated an infinite number of times each day.

the stuff that dreams are made of....

Saturday, July 21, 2012

when i started lucends
i had no idea what the path 
was going to be.

what started out as blog,
has over the past 4 years
grown into a brand,
an identity, and a big part of me.

i have met some amazing people.
i have made incredible friends.
i have sewn millions of stitches.
i have cut an infinite amount of fabric.
i have created hundreds of bags.
and hopefully i have given those who have
become a part of lucends: LOVE.

over the past 6 months i have
been working on the next chapter.
and i am very proud to finally let you 
in on the secret.

it is time to get serious about the brand. 
it is time to take a chance.
it is time to believe in my work.
it is time to believe in myself.

it is time to stop being afraid.
afraid of the what ifs?
afraid of  failure.
afraid of disappointment.

it is time to soar.
i hope that you will join me.
i hope that you share lucends
with everyone you know.

this is after all, the stuff that dreams are made of.....


on playing sports

Friday, July 20, 2012

we are a sports family
there are very few sports
that we dislike....

as parents, ph and i
have had many conversations
about which sport chace will play.
we wonder if will be a  natural athlete?
will he play in college?
the olympics?

yes, i know he is only 2.5
and the most important thing
is for him to find something he
is passionate about and have fun.
but parents like to dream.

the one sport we are not
fond of is baseball
and it seems that is the one sport
he might be good at.

of course, if that is the chosen
sport i am sure that i will be a
baseball mom, but truth be told
i would rather be a hockey mom.

no pressure chace!

i believe....

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

i believe that a deep breathe can get you through any situation.

i believe that time mends, but does not heal all wounds.

i believe in redemption.

i believe that our scars make us who we are, and that we choose which ones we live with.

i believe in the healing power of love.

i believe people are come  into our lives for a reason.

i believe in a higher power, but i dont know what that looks like.

i believe that those we have lost watch over us.

i believe that everyone is creative, they just have to find their creative voice.

i believe that my creativity saved me.

i believe that we all have a choice in how we respond adversity.

i believe that happiness is a choice.

i believe that the greatest sound on earth is a child laugh.

i believe that music can speak to your soul.

i believe that parents have a responsibility to teach their children to respect others, to be kind, to be inclusive and honest.

i believe that thank you notes should be written.

i believe that parents should be parents to their children, nor their children's friends.

i believe that be a good parent is the hardest job there it but also the most rewarding.

i believe that sometimes you need a good cry.

i believe that alone time makes a stronger relationship.

i believe in love.

what do you believe?

operation potty training

Sunday, July 15, 2012

on friday, i decided to
put chace in underwear
and see what happened.
in my gut, i knew he wasn't ready.

but thought i would try.
for 3 days.

well. today is day 3
and i am officially calling
a cease fire.

after 3 days
of lots of wet
and some poopy underwear.
i can not take it anymore.
and more importantly
chace is not ready.

we had some small successes
which we properly celebrated
with dances and m&ms.
but all too often i heard
the words....

mommy i pee peed on the floor.
mommy... what happened?
mommy i pottied on the drive way.
and it went on and on...

so i will revisit this
when we return from our 3 week
vacation to greece.
he will be back in school
and his teachers and i can have a
joint operation potty training mission.

personal space

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

i am in desperate need
of some personal space.
this need contributed to
one of my not so stellar
parenting days today.

chace has turned
into a mama's boy.
i am not going to worry about it.
(ok maybe if he is 30
and a mama's boy then i will worry,
no i will pay for this therapy).

this means that he
is stuck to me like glue.
he has no understanding of personal space.
he is 2.5, afterall.

but he is very good at
clinging to my leg.
pulling in my shorts and shirts.
climbing all over me
and wanting to be held
or calling "moooommmmmy"

today i had no patience for it.
i almost cried when he said to me
"mommy, i will meet you at yoga"
oh dear god, please no!
then, i practically sprinted to yoga.

i sat in the car in silence.
no radio. no phone. no computer.
no chace. no ph.
ahhh, sweet silence.

i was feeling guilty about
my lack of patience,
about my desire for some personal space.
i wanted to be hard on myself
beat myself up.

then i remembered that
it is what it is
for today and that tomorrow
is a new and different day.

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

** yoga was awesome tonight.

** except for the fact that my leg went numb during half pigeon.

** it is better, but still a little tingly.

** we had a great visit with uncle kuka and ziggy.

** chace adores them both.

** and cried when they were gone.

** we started round two of swimming lessons this week.

** we are having avocado, chicken and goat cheese panini for dinner.

** sunday i am going to the mackenzie child's barn sale.

** i am super excited.

** my fall craft show schedule is starting to come together.

** i have some knew design ideas brewing in my head.

** now to work on them......

** i think that is all for now.....

** happy tuesday.

** xoxo

swim lessons

Friday, July 6, 2012

today was the last day
of swim lessons.
this meant that parents
could watch their kids
take pictures, video and shout words
of encouragement.

chace loves the water
and has turned into a fish
over the last two weeks.
he starts session two
on monday.

oh, and he got a progress report.

a moment

Thursday, July 5, 2012

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

** happy 4th of july eve.

** uncle kuka is on his way to visit.

** chace is very excited.

** have you checked out poppytalk handmade?

** if not, you should.

** chace is in his second week of swim lessons.

** he has turned into a fish.

** in case you missed it, we booked our tickets for greece yesterday.

** i can not wait to be there.

** chace and i will be therefor two weeks before ph arrives.

** this is a total of 3 weeks of nothing but beach, sun, food and drink.

** chace does not like to wear shoes.

** he takes after his mother.

** i hope you all have a fun and safe 4th.

** i am off to yoga!

things i am afraid to tell you

Thursday, June 28, 2012

this week athena had this post on her blog.
it moved me, spoke to me and made me think
so i thought i would play along.

i am about to jump off into the unknown with my business
and it scares me to death.
it makes me feel vulnerable, inadequate and totally overwhelmed.
(dont worry i will soon let you in on what i have been working on).

i am terrified of failure.

i am a southern girl at heart.
there is part of my soul that longs to be in texas.
that feels so homesick for place that is the core of my being.
and despite living in new york state for 14 years,
i still feel like a fish out of water.

there are days when i am so busy with chace
that i dont think about cooper
and this makes me feel incredibly guilty.

i get very cranky when i do not have time to be creative.
it seems that lately there are not enough hours in the day
to accomplish what i want....this leads to me being in a funk.
the only way to come out of the funk, is a meltdown.
dramatic, no?

i listen to my music really loud when i am working.
and sometimes will play a song over and over and over.

i am afraid that i will never master crow, half moon, or full wheel.
even though i know that yoga is not about perfection,
i want it to be perfect.

i am a control freak.

i do not clean.
when ph and i met i told him this tidbit
and informed him that he would have to clean or hire someone.
he cleans.

i am really shy.
this is usually mistaken for other not so nice
characteristics, but it takes me a while to warm up.

i like to watch people.
sometimes too intensely.

i am terrified of being a bad mother.


tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

** i can not believe that it has been a week since i blogged.

** things have been pretty hectic around here.

** summer is in full swing.

** but i am having a hard time carving out time to get work done.

** chace started swim lessons yesterday.

** he desperately wants to jump off the diving board.

** i am fairly confident that if i put him on the board he would jump.

** tomorrow we are going to pick raspberries.

** this will require some kind of baking i am sure.

** skinny girl cocktails continues to be summer drink.

** i am reading a great book called, lone wolf.

** it has a fascinating account of wolf pack behavior.

** i also read stephanie neilson's, heaven is here.

** it was heart wrenching to read, but very worth it.

** i recommend both of them.

** ph is making pizza.

** i am hungry.

** looks like we are heading to greece this summer.

** we are beyond excited.

** happy tuesday ya'll.

** xoxo

tuesday tidbits

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

** we had a great day today.

** chace and i spent the morning at the pool.

** enjoyed a picnic in out swimsuits.

** took a nap

** got some work done.

** drove the loader at the nursery.

** amazing yoga class with very timely message.

** ph is making pizza.

** it is tuesday, ya'll.

** i have been listening to the kenny chesney's welcome to the fishbowl album.

** my favorite song it "i am a small town"

** it has got me thinking about the west texas town i grew up in.

** that i couldnt wait to leave

** and swore i would never return.

** it wasnt so bad.

** it was a great place to grow up.

** truth be told, i have a lot of great memories from that small town.

**i  am embarking on the next phase of lucends.

** i will be able to share more in the weeks ahead,

** i am excited, nervous and vulnerable all at the same time.

** but i know things are working, working as they should.

** i just need to trust the process.

** trust where i am, in this moment, in this place.

** and be present.

** xoxo

it is hard not to laugh

Monday, June 18, 2012

i understand that the rule
of thumb is that when your
toddler does something you do not like,
you are not supposed to laugh,
even if they are funny.

but i have to tell you
sometimes that is the hardest thing
in the world to do.

this evening
chace wanted a glass of milk
before he went up for his bath.

now i knew better than to give
it to him without a lid on it.
i knew that as soon as i turned
my back that chace would dump it on the floor.

but i was hopeful
that the out come would be different.

sure enough.
milk was all over the floor.
i was cleaning it up.
chace was attempting to help.
his father told him to help clean up the mess.
he proceeded to get close to my face,
point his little finger and say
" no way."

i lost it.
i coud not help but laugh.
it is too funny!
better luck next time.

a moment

Thursday, June 14, 2012