green eggs and ham

Wednesday, February 25, 2009



although i cry every day over cooper's departure.i am so glad he happened! and thinking about him does make me smile.


Monday, February 23, 2009

"Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand"

these are some of the lyrics to baileys favorite song. yes, you read that right bailey. he hears the first note of this song and he starts singing. now if you havent ever seen or heard a 135 pound great pyrenees sing, you are missing out. it doesnt matter how many times jamey and i hear bailey sing, we end up in a fit of laughter with tears rolling down our face. maybe its the way he tilts his head to the music, or how he walks right up to the speaker or how intense and focused he is about his singing... whatever it is, it provides comic relief. and we will take all the comic relief we can get.

as you know, i am a lyric girl. and i have listened to these lyrics before, but usually i am laughing too hard to really listen. over the weekend we needed some laughter to lighten the mood. but bailey wasnt in the mood to sing his best, he gave a subpar performance, but it allowed me to really listen to the words.....

and by listening i realized that they spoke to where i am these days... that despite the pain, the sadness, the utter heartache, the anger, the days when i want to slip down the drain with the bath water and disappear... i am standing. and that each day that i stand, i heal.

and so i will continue to stand. and hopefully bailey will continue sing.

dear cooper

Thursday, February 19, 2009

my dear sweet precious cooper,

my life changed three months ago today when you entered the world. it is hard for me to believe that it has been that long. in some ways it seems like just yesterday that your dad and i were loading up the car to go to the hospital to meet you and in other ways it seems like an eternity since i held you in my arms or had you fall asleep on my chest.

and though you are not physically with us, we do feel you and are connected to you. there is not a minute that goes by that we dont miss you or long to see your sweet face. i dont think that our hearts will ever completely heal but they are mending.

i met alli and tommy today for lunch at the diner. you and tommy were going to be best buddies. he called you baby coop. i am so sad that you two never got to meet each other and play.

we were supposed to meet with dr meagher tomorrow to go over your autopsy results, but they had to reschedule because there were two children who needed emergency heart surgery. while i understand that, i was hoping to get some answers as to why you were taken away from me. but i think there is a part of me that knows there will be no answers, that i will never understand what happened or why. and while no medical explanation can help my heart, it would help my head.

i still havent touched your room. i know you didnt spend much time in there, but it is still yours. i cant seem to pack away your clothes because they smell like you. maybe when i have sniffed your smell out of them i can pack them away, but for now they sit in your pack and play in the office.

this day is important because your dad and i can now try to bring you a sibling to watch over and protect. you will always be our first child, but you brought us such joy in the time you were with us and we want to feel that joy again.

cooper, i want you to know how much i love you, how my hearts aches for you and how grateful i am that you showed me how capable i was of love. you will always be my birdy.

loving and missing you


life as i know it

Monday, February 16, 2009

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."- Eleanor Roosevelt

i found this quote today while i was searching through one of the blogs i read, marta writes, and it struck a chord with me. this is life as i know it these days.

yesterday i went to one of my local yarn shops, one that i frequented a great deal while i was pregnant, cooper has a large number of hand knit pieces. i knew that the trip was going to be difficult, that the owner was going to be so sad and there would be tears, but i also knew that i needed to go, that i had to stop and look fear in the face. that i have to tell coopers story to those who knew i was pregnant, but are not a part of our inner circle. that each time i share the story, i heal a little more.

the car ride over i could feel the emotion building and i sat in the parking lot for a few minutes before i was able to get myself out of the car. it was as i expected it to be, but it was also a moment where i gained strength, by telling coopers story, my story, life as it i know it, i became a little stronger. and that strength will enable me to do the next thing that i think i can not do.

and so goes my life as i know it these days, each experience where i have to tackle my fears head on is imploring me do the thing i thought i couldnt do, which is live without my sweet precious cooper.


Friday, February 13, 2009

i love...
the smell of the ocean
the feel of my favorite pair of jeans
the way my cowboy boots fit my feet
the quiet after the first major snowstorm
the smell of my puppies' paws
the sound of bailey and sabre singing to rascall flats
the start of college football

i love....
starting a new knitting project
starbucks black tea lemonade
the first sip of a cold diet coke
monthly manicures and pedicures
matinee movies
an ice cold beer on a hot day
fresh cut flowers from my back yard

i love....
my precious husband
my amazing family
my dear sweet friends

but nothing prepared me for the love i would have for my cooper. it is a love so pure, so deep, so raw. a love that exists in the deepest core of my being. a love that trancends life and death.

i love...
the way he smelled
the way he made squeaky bird noises
the way he smiled when he slept
the way he touched my face when the doctors showed him to me after he was born
the way he made funny faces
the way he rubbed his head when he got mad
the way his hair grew, just like mine
the way he made me a better person
the way he changed me forever
the way he taught me what true love is......

wishing you a little love on this valentines eve....

returning to the scene

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

we are back in rochester. we had a great time away and i truly believe that our hearts and souls healed a little more.

i am a prefectionist, i know this about myself. and being a perfectionist allows me to be overly critcal of myself, even in my grief. it was much harder than i thought to come home. and i spent most of yesterday in various stages of a meltdown. i dont know what i expected... maybe that being away would some how make the last two months disappear or that i would come home and hurt less. i had learned to live with coopers things, then learned to be away from them, and am now having to learn to live with them again. yesterday was a perfect reminder that grief is like the ocean waves, a constant ebb and flow, moving forward and backward in various states of emotion.

yesterday i felt that i had not made much progress in my journey, but today i realized that i have come farther than i thought and am stronger than i take credit for being. i returned to the hospital to meet jen, our cardiac social worker, for coffee. while i was driving it dawned on me that two months ago to the day cooper had his surgery. i wont lie and say that walking in the hospital was easy, that getting coffee from the place we got coffee moments before coopers heart stopped was not gut wrenching, that talking about those events with jen and seeing how cooper touched her was not heart breaking, but i did it.

before you think that i am just a glutton for punishment, you should know that i met with jen because i need her help with that creative project i mentioned in an earlier post. i am not ready to reveal the details just yet, but rest assure the day is drawing closer. i will tell you that it will be part of coopers legacy, which is very important to jamey and i and that i believe it will move me further along in my journey and become part of my story.

until then.....

sun sand and salt

Thursday, February 5, 2009

we have returned to santa fe after a week in the sun, sand and salt. it was absolutely amazing and was the perfect prescription for our weary souls and wounded hearts.

the weather was perfect, clear blue skies, warm sun, sparkling water and the comforting sound of waves crashing a shore. the whales were teaching their young the ways of the sea, strengthening them and showing them how to swim and dive, and preparing them for their 6000 mile journey back to the cold waters of alaska. striped marlin were in a feeding frenzy which allowed us to bear witness to not only their greatness but the seals and dolphins that share their sea. cooper allowed his daddy and pappous to catch three marlins, knowing that they would be released back into the sea as soon as they were caught. we explored the town of todos santos, where the streets were dirt, buildings colorful and "hotel california" was written. there were moments of joy, tears of sadness, periods of laughter, bits of healing, the comforting presence of cooper and an overwhelming feeling of hope.

we will return to rochester on monday feeling rested, our hearts mended a little more and hopeful that life will be a little kinder in the coming days.

until then.....