cooper's flock update

today i dropped
the last batch of
cooper's birds at the hospital.

can you believe it?

it was hard.
to be in that space.
the memories came
rushing back.

it was hard to
randomly run into
cooper's surgeon.
(even though i had a premonition that i was going to see him today)
i have not seen him
since we met to go over the autopsy.

over 400 birds
have been given to
families on surgery day
for the past 2.5 years.

thank you to all who contributed to the flock.

cooper has been on my mind.
i miss him terribly today.
i have mixed emotions
about no longer having a box
of birds in my basement.

i knew this day would come
that the birds would not reproduce
in my basement.
but i kind of wish they did.

they have brought
comfort to families on a
very difficult day.

the families do not know
me or my story.
simply, that someone who has been
in their shoes is thinking about them.

jen and i were talking
today about what the
next move is for cooper's flock.
i am torn.

what do you think?

if you want
to create birds, i will love
you for it.
if you do not want to,
i will still love you.

you decide.

do you wonder?

i can not believe that
two years ago today
we had our sweet cooper's memorial service.

yesterday, ph, chace and i spent
the morning at the arboretum
walking around, reflecting and tending to his garden.

the trees look much different
without all the handmade birds
full of love and hope and healing.

birds made by strangers
who wanted to help
heal the heart of a grieving mama

and bring comfort to little hearts
which need mending
and the families who love them so.

the children's hospital continues
to give cooper birds to each family
the day of their child's heart surgery.

they do not know who made the birds
they do not know our story
what they do know
is that someone is thinking of them
and their child during a most difficult time.

i still have a box of about 100 birds
in my basement.
we will continue to give out birds
until the box is empty.

i am not sure what
will happen after that.
perhaps i will make a plea
for more birds.

i will cross that bridge
when we get there.
for now i am just remembering
our sweet cooper, his short life
and all those birds in the trees.

smiles

as you know, on the 6 month anniversary of coopers death i delivered the first mini flock of birds to the hospital. you may also recall that it was much more difficult than i imagined.

last friday i received this email from jen, the cardiac social worker, who is helping make coopers flock a reality.

Lucinda,

I wanted to drop an email to let you know the tremendous smiles your birds have brought to families here at the hospital. It has been so wonderful to have something tangible to give to families that is bright and non-hospital (for lack of a better word!). Families have been touched and seem happy to have something to hold on to while waiting. I've had no actual questions yet about the birds from the families but will keep you posted. I just wanted you to know that the birds are touching lives of families here! Thinking of you--

Jen

this news from jen just made my heart soar!

leaving the nest

today is the 6th month anniversary of cooper's death, so it seemed appropriate that today was also the day that i delivered the first members of coopers flock to the hospital. i decided that the first birds to fly should be the ones that i knit for cooper. when i set the date with jen, the cardiac social worker, i randomly picked june 4th. it wasn't until later that i realized the significance of the day. but it felt right.

i won't lie to you, it was difficult to be at the hospital. i have been there two others times, since cooper died, and being there doesn't get any easier. driving over i was flooded with images of the drive to the hospital the day of cooper's surgery, morning traffic, a fresh snow storm, a trunk that would not close, trying to keep a hungry cooper happy and a nervous energy in the air. when i walked into the lobby of the hospital, the enormity of the time spent there came rushing back, visits to the NICU before cooper came home, cardiologist appointments, lots of waiting, and the coffee stand where we were getting coffee the moment cooper's heart stopped.

and while it was difficult to be in that space on this day, i was wrestling with my emotions surrounding coopers flock. i was having a hard time letting the birds leave the nest. i embarked on this journey in part to help my heart heal, and i have come a long way in the past 6 months but my heart is not healed, mended some, but not healed. and leaving the birds with jen to start giving to families, means that i am moving forward. jen said that i didn't have to leave them if i wasn't ready, but hard as it was, i knew it was time. you see, cooper changed those that met him and he touched alot of people in a very profound way in the 21 days he was alive, and not leaving the birds would be a betrayal of who he was. i don't understand why he had the effect on people that he did, but i know that this project is not only his legacy but his gift to those that didn't get the opportunity to meet him. in my heart i know that these birds will bring such comfort to many families and children during such a stressful and fearful time. and creating coopers flock has helped me find the good again and find meaning in our loss.

when i left the hospital i felt lighter, peaceful and i felt cooper. and i know he was proud of his mama and all those who helped create his flock.

coopers memorial service 1.0

i have been struggling to find the best way to share the weekend with you, dear readers. and after much thought, several posts or chapters, seems to make the most sense. many of you learned about my sweet family and our cooper by knitting birds, so i thought i would begin with coopers flock. when i embarked on this journey through the blogosphere, it was my hope to have 100 birds for coopers service. well, i had 300 members of coopers flock the day of his service ( i have received more birds since then for a total of 324 to date), 100 birds for each week of coopers precious life. seeing all those birds in the trees was simply breathtaking. your efforts have helped to heal my heart and will bring so much comfort to children and their families during a very stressful time. what an amazing legacy YOU all helped me create for cooper. i am truly honored and blessed. THANK YOU.

these are some of the photos. i am expecting more in the next few days. and if you want to see more from the service, you may go here

2 weeks worth

here is the latest batch of flock members. actually, it is two weeks work of birdies. they have flown in from maimi, glen cove, cedarburg, berrien springs, waco, rochester, canada, austrailia, grand rapids, wake forest and winnetica. i took a head count the other day, i have 206 coopers flock members! this is just amazing. and i know more are on their way. so many children and families will be comforted because of your willingness to knit birdies. i am certain that we will be able to supply the hospital with cooper's flock birds for a year's worth of surgeries, if not longer. so thank you again, dear readers. i am so inspired by all of you!

and don't you just love how b and s are in on the action?

texas birdies

these darling little birds arrived this week from texas, made by my cousins sunny gayle and julie. they are just so precious! and yes the trees still look like its winter, even though the calender says otherwise.


wishing a happy easter eve.

newest members

introducing the newest members of coopers flock, just in from mississippi, arkansas, kentucky, massachusetts, delaware, illinois, minnesota, and michigan. they are just perfect and are going to bring so much comfort to so many children and their families. i am not sure what i love more, the birds or the sweet heartfelt notes you all write. thank you dear readers!

i just LOVE them so!

54

growing up in west texas, i learned the art of road tripping. any vacation destination was at least a six hour car trip down a long flat highway accompanied by the smell of oil and blowing tumble weeds. so when my parents discovered santa fe, my brothers and i loved the trip because it was under the six hour limit and there was a time change involved.

my parents bought their first house in santa fe when i was 17. since this is more than half of my life, santa fe feels like home to me, more so than texas which i left when i graduated from college. in the early years we spent holidays and long weekends in santa fe and this required someone to watch the house while we were away.

enter ramona.

ramona started off as a caretaker but over the years has become part of our family. and like all families ours has had its share of good and bad times, joys and sorrows, sickness and health and life and death. and despite all the ups and downs she loves us unconditionally. ramona has had her own share of life struggles, she intimately knows about loss, has battled with her health and had her own share of demons, but she is a survivor and has the biggest heart.

a heart so big that she made 54 of these birds by hand for cooper, my precious husband and i. and i know that with each stitch she not only thought about cooper, but the children she lost. when i saw her in january, i knew that she understood the depth of my grief and pain. and when i received this amazing gift from her yesterday, i knew that she understood how creativity can help heal and mend ones heart. i can only hope that while she was helping to mend my heart, she was mending her own.

birdie monday

prior to cooper's death i never paid much attention to birds, but now they seem to be EVERYWHERE. i know that it is mainly because i am more aware of them and they have a significant meaning for me, they are my connection or life line to cooper.

this morning as i was putting on my shoes to go to the gym i looked out the window and saw the most amazing cardinal sitting in one of the evergreen trees in the backyard. i knew it was cooper telling me that he is ok and that he is with me, always. as soon as i got up, he flew away. it is moments like this that make me believe in something greater, in some higher power. and that moment will help me get through this very cold and grey monday.

and now for the newest members of coopers flock, these darling birds flew in last week from: santa barbara, ca, essex jct, vt, santa cruz, ca, alpharetta, ga and switzerland. they are just precious and are going to bring so much comfort to so many families.

and finally, i found this pillow, that i just have to have......

wishing a birdie monday.....

sweet surprise

when i opened the mailbox yesterday i was surprised to find a sweet little package from my great aunt virginia in austin. it feels a little odd to say great aunt, because she has always been aunt virginia to me and doesn't feel like a "great aunt", but if you want to get technical about our relationship..... it is great aunt. anyway in this envelope was the sweetest letter, a cd of music, a beautiful picture of daffodils and some poems. and i have to tell you dear readers they really were the most perfect poems. so perfect and fitting, that i knew i had to share this one with you.....


mending

loss of a loved one
is not like a dropped stitch...
more like a hole
in a favorite sweater.

knitting, we'd rip back,
pick up the dropped stitch,
making the pattern come out all right,
but a hole
in a favorite sweater just comes.

should we discard the garment,
buy something new? should we
wear the hole proudly for
others to see? or
pull threads together with small
steady stitches,
mending the damage carefully...

but the memory of that place will stay,
never completely
go away.

this poem explains so perfectly what coopers flock is doing for my heart, mending it stitch by stitch. thank you aunt virginia for that bit of hope you sent in the mail and thank you to all you dear readers who are helping to mend my heart by being part of coopers flock.

i heart the mail

nothing makes me happier than hearing the mail truck slow down in front of our house. why you ask? because dear readers, when i open the mailbox to find the newest members of coopers flock, it lightens my heart and makes me feel closer to my cooper.

last week these precious birds arrived in the mail...

this sweet little bird flew in from madison wisconsin. thanks susan!

and this little tropical bird was sent by cindy in crescent city, florida.

i love seeing where all the birds originate. and i continue to be awe of the support, thoughts, emails, and birds from people all across the globe. you touch my heart every single day and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. to date i have received 166 requests for the cooper's flock pattern. these birds are going to bring comfort to a lot of children and their families during a very stressful time. i can not thank you enough dear readers for joining me on this journey!

there are 19 in the flock

i have knit 19 birds for my cooper and with each stitch that i knit, my heart mends just a little.

i just LOVE the colors, makes me feel like spring has sprung.

i just love these birdies, dont you?

oops

so dear readers, my precious husband just noticed that i typed the wrong mailing address in the email i was sending out to those of you who are knitting for coopers flock, that's what i get for copy and pasting....

so could you please send me an email before you send the birdies on their way, to make sure you have the right address.

thanks

newest members of coopers flock

yesterday, these two darling birdies landed in my mailbox.

this precious one was knit by jeannie and flew in from san jose, california

and then there was this darling one knit up by marjorie in lansing illinois.

i can not even begin to tell you how much these birdies lightened my heart. they flew in at just the right time. you see my precious husband and i want to have more children, we want to feel that joy again and yesterday i found out that we are going to have to wait a little longer for that dream to happen. i was so disappointed and sad. i know that it will happen when my body is ready and that even though it feels like an eternity since my cooper was born, it has not been that long. and that maybe my body, mind and heart need a little more time to heal.

we will never be able to replace cooper, this i know, and having another baby will not change what happened. but we want so desperately to be parents. we were good parents and have so much love to give a child. and we are not old, but we aren't young either, and therefore do not have the luxury of waiting for a couple of years, and besides, we don't want to wait. i think nothing would make cooper happier than to have a brother or sister to watch over.

of course there are all kinds of fears that i have, but i can not let fear stop us from trying.

so thank you dear marjorie and jeannie for creating the newest members of coopers flock and for lightening my heart on a day when i needed it so.

little bird of heaven

my youngest brother sent this to me today, knowing that i am a word girl when it comes to music. he said it reminded him of cooper, all the little birdies that cooper has inspired and all the lives he continues to touch.

I let out from your back door
Kicked an old can fifty miles or more
Written right there on the side of the can
There's a little bird of heaven right here in your hand

I looked up and I looked back
Walked a hundred miles on the railroad track
Alls I can tell from where I stand
There's a little bird of heaven right here in my hand

Well love they tell me is a fragile thing
Its hard to fly on broken wings
I lost my ticket to the promised land
Little bird of heaven right here in my hand

So toss it up or pass it round
Pay mind to what you're carryin' round
O keep it close, hold it while you can
There's a little bird of heaven right here in your hand

Fallen hearts and fallen leaves
Starlings light on the broken trees
I find we all need a place to land
There's a little bird of heaven right here in your hand

thank you sweet brother.

the good

the good is beautiful -plato

and you dear readers and fellow bloggers are the good! i have been overwhelmed by your kind words, well wishes, and willingness to honor my cooper and help other children and their families by contributing to coopers flock. i am in awe! i am in awe!

it has been almost two years since i closed my knitting shop. and almost that long since i have been an active part of the knitting community, i have been watching on the sidelines until last week, when this blog became a reality. today i am reminded of why community is so important to ones' survival. its the people we meet, the stories we share, the lives we touch and the things we create that connect us all, make us better people, make us love more deeply and live more passionately. you all have moved me, given me hope and made me so proud. and for that i thank you!

the good is beautiful. you are the good!

a bird kind of day

there are days that it seems like cooper was never in our house. i am surrounded by his things and pictures, so i know that it wasnt a dream. but his time with us was so short, a blink, a blip and then he was gone.

then there are days, like yesterday, that i know without a doubt that was he here and that he is still very much with us. yesterday he was flying all around me....

my friend alicia came over to knit birds and she brought me this painting.

and then this box of wonderfulness came via ups from the fabulous people at blue sky alpacas. this yarn will soon become the next members of coopers flock.

my precious husband and i decided to clean and rearrange our office space. i was looking through a bag and found these from my youngest brother's wedding almost two years ago. how fortuitous that we had a bird and a heart.

and finally, i was looking at coopers clothes, in particualr the {jig.} "days of the week onesies"
thursday had a bird on it. this is significant because cooper was born on a thursday, thanksgiving, and died on a thursday.

it is days like yesterday that help me get through days like today. days where i miss cooper more than i can even in express, days that my heart hurts so bad that it takes my breath away, days where the tears are a never ending river and days where i want to crawl in a hole and NEVER come out. but knowing that my birdy is always with me, is what enables me to put one foot in front of the other tomorrow.

meet tommy

meet tommy.....

i first met tommy hours after he was born. tommy is the little baby who stole my heart and got my clock a tickin. i have spent many an afternoons with tommy and had such hopes and dreams for he and cooper. so it made my heart well up when i saw him loving his coopers flock bird, almost as if he is saying "see aunt lulu, cooper and i are best pals." i cant even begin to tell you how much i love this 2 year old. or how my weekly visits with him always brings a sense of hope that there are better days ahead and that my precious husband and i will be parents again someday in the future.

coopers flock

my new creative adventure begins, NOW.

shortly after cooper died, i stumbled upon tollipop and her most brilliant way of using her creativity to process the grief of her beloved mother. She began the 100 dresses project as a challenge to herself to make 100 different dresses, brilliant right? and even more brilliant, she challenged her loyal readers to make 100 somethings, it didnt matter what, just that they were making something. i decided that this would be a good way to help me use my creativity to process my own loss.

we called cooper birdy and as a result birds are every where in my world these days. i decided to make 100 birds to put on a tree at his memorial service in may, but i had to figure out a way to knit these birds. i contacted a fellow blogger for a little help with a knit bird pattern. she directed me to a free pattern online, that i then reworked into my own. i then got to thinking about what in the heck was i going to do with 100 knit birds, and how could i turn this into something bigger than my own need to work through my grief. how could i help other cardiac children? could i make this project part of coopers legacy?

enter cooper's flock. the hospital here in rochester performs apporimately 270 heart surgeries a year and i want every child to get a bird the day of surgery. these birds will be a symbol of hope and comfort, a symbol of my precious cooper watching over these families and their children, both through the surgery and the recovery process. i want these families to know that there is someone out there thinking of them, who has been in their shoes, and knows their hopes and fears. the children will be able to hang the birds in their beds while they are in the hospital. it does my heart good to think of hundreds of little cooper birds watching over sick children.

i know that you will want to get involved. so here is how you can become part of coopers flock. if you knit, you can knit birds. and if you dont knit, but know how to sew, there is a bird pattern in this book that you can use. i will post the knit pattern on the blog. all birds need to be knit or sewn out of cotton. i am using blue sky alpacas dyed cotton and would like all the knit birds to be made out of this yarn. you can get at least 3 birds out of one skein of yarn. they have been so wonderful as to donate yarn to the cause. when you are finished with your birds, email me and i will send you the mailing address. if you are a blogger feel free to take the coopers flock button for your blog. spread the love.

it is my hope that there are hundreds of coopers flock out there. i know that they will bring great comfort to many children and their families.

so i hope you will join me on this creative adventure and become part of coopers flock.