unexpected strength

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

there is a distinct scent
that i associate with cooper.
in those early days after his death
that scent could bring me to my knees.
particularly, if it was unexpected.

i have not smelled that in a long time.
until tonight, that is....

i was in the middle of sun salutations
when i caught the all to familiar smell.
i just thought it was my mind
playing tricks on me.

as i continued to move through my practice
the smell got stronger.
then it dawned on me.

we were out of tide and ph
washed the clothes with the baby detergent.
the same one i used on cooper's clothes.
incidentally, i used a different detergent for chace.

an unexpected shift happened.
instead of falling apart when the scent hit my nose.
i dug deep and found an unexpected strength.
i took deeper breathes and stayed present.

i felt his presence in every pose.
in side plank, it was as if my hand
was reaching toward his.
my heart opened up reaching toward
the sky in revolved half moon.
and during shivasana  there was a peace
i haven't felt before.

yes there was an incredible physical strength i felt tonight
but the more meaningful was the emotional strength
that showed up, representing another important step in the healing process.

thank you my sweet cooper
for the gifts you continue to give.

morning conversation

Saturday, January 19, 2013

thursday morning i was in the shower
chace comes in the bathroom 
and pokes his little face around 
the shower curtain.

he looks and me and the following conversation took place
chace: mommy i have a penis
me: yes you do.
chace: do you have a penis?
me: nope.
chace: i have one, look. 
(he then proceeded to pull down his underwear to show me)

i am not ready.


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

i mentioned in an earlier post
i  are some resolutions for 2013.
they are more like goals
or promises to myself.

i have them in my head
written down in a place
that no one knows.
but I haven't written them here.
on this blog.

for fear of being vulnerable.
for fear of feeling  imperfect if I could not keep them.
rather than having compassion for myself
for making promises, my fear has kept me
from sharing them with you.

so rather than acting of fear
and keeping them locked away
i am going to act out of love
and post them here.

here we go.

* in 2013 I want to have my blog turned into books. Not books to sell but books for preserve what I have documented over the lat 4 years. Something for Chace when he is older.

* in 2013 also want to write a book using my blog as the guide. This overwhelms me. But I know in my heart that need to do.

* in 2013 i hope to continue to grow lucends. To take the next step while remaining true to myself and allowing the business to grow organically.

* in 2013 I need to go visit some of my friends that live in far away places. I need to see them. They make me a better person. I have said that I am going to visit and the life gets in the way. It's time to go visit.

* in 2013 I need to be kinder to my body. To eat cleaner. To take in less toxins, primarily diet coke. Oh how I love diet coke, esp first thing in the morning. This being said,  I do not want to eliminate it all together. But if I am honest I can cut back.

*in 2013 i would like to work on patience, patience with ph, patience with chace, patience my loved ones and patience with myself.

*in 2013 i would like to work on giving up my need for perfect parenting. i am going to make mistakes, but putting so much pressure on myself make me miss out on the joy of parenthood. chace made need therapy as a result of my parenting, which is not a bad thing, but he will know how much he is loved.

these are my hopes for the year.
thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable
to  be my true self.


A shift on the mat

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

there has been a shift,
a shift taking place
on my yoga mat

i don't know what to make of it, yet.

i noticed it yesterday
and figured it was because
i had not practiced in 3 weeks.
i noted the change and kept moving.

tonight the feeling was still there.
things feel different.
i don't know why, really.

maybe it's because i am not trying so hard.
maybe i am letting myself be vulnerable.
maybe i have let me walls down, inside the studio.
maybe its because i am so hard on myself in my daily life,
that i just am cutting myself some slack.

i cant put my finger on the shift.

i feel more in my body and out of my head.
my thoughts are not bombarding me.
i am listening to my body.
my movements are more deliberate.
i am less focused on message from the instructor,
finding my own message along the way.

i am not sure why the shift has taken place
or what it means.
but for now i am just going to find an acceptance of it.
but i am open to explanations.....

hello? are you still there?

Sunday, January 6, 2013

happy 2013.
i hope you and yours had a great holiday.
we had a one filled with family
friends, food, magic and lots of germs.

we are home.
and settling into 2013.
its like a pair of jeans,
you have wear them a while
to decide if they are going to
become your favorite.

i made a list of goals for 2013.
they have earned their own post.
this is a first, but there is so much in my head
it warranted a list.

in the weeks since i last wrote
i have come face to face with the challenges of parenting.
it can be ugly and hard.
but thank goodness for the moments, however fleeting of pure bliss.

i laughed until i cried
while watching this is 40.
the reality of that number sinking in.

i moved through the anniversary
of cooper's death with relative ease.
a sure sign of continued healing.

chace has made significant strides
in the potty training department.
however, much to my chagrin i
am still cleaning poop out of underwear.

i ate my way through the holidays.
gaining 5 pounds in a short period.

i seem to be reminded of the fragility
of life and the need to live each moment
to the fullest.
it can change in an instant.

i am excited and hopeful
for what this year holds.
i can not wait to share the journey
with you.