dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper.

today you would have turned two years old. and i find myself wondering what you would have been like? this is not a new question for me to ponder, but as i watch your brother grow and change before my eyes, i find myself thinking about this more and more.

i like to think that you would have been more introverted, quiet and studious. i have no doubt that you would have been talking in paragraphs by now. you would have been happy to play by yourself, active but not a whirling dervish like your younger brother can be... boy is he active. you would be determined,  and strong, a fighter, you were that in your short life, so i am certain it would have stayed with you and served you well. your personality was just beginning to form when you were taken from us, and my heart aches to know what you would have been, could have been.

but then i get glimpses. like when you come to visit us. on thanksgiving you sat in the the magnolia tree very quiet, still and proud. once we made eye contact and you knew that i saw you and was ok, you flew away. you always know when to make an appearance, when i need to feel connected to you. it is in these moments that i know, there is life after death, that you and i will be connected forever, that you will always be my first born. but cooper, i miss you. and my heart hurts. and the hole that your death left aches. i am beginning to realize that it always will, that this journey lasts a lifetime. and sometimes, that knowledge is too much for me to bear.

and then i realize all that you have given me and i know that i must put one foot in front of the other. i must and that you are here with me every single step of the way. it is with that knowledge that i am able to move forward.

despite all the emotions that surround your short life, you remain the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. cooper, i will always be grateful for that gift.

i love you more than ever.
happy birthday my sweet precious cooper.
may you spread your wings and soar
on this cold november day.
i hope you stop by to say hello.

loving and missing you always
mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper.

it has been a while since i have written, but that does not mean that you are not on my mind every day. i feel your presence most often when i am in the quiet of your brother's room, rocking him to sleep.

today is the 27th, two months until your second birthday. i thought this would be a good day to write you and thank you. thank you for the gifts that you gave me in your short life, gifts that will last a lifetime.

one of those gifts, athena, just spent the last four days with us. it was wonderful. we had a great time. it was like we had known each other for all of lives, not just the last year and a half. i have always said that you sent her my way, and after spending time with her i believe that more than ever.  your heart brought two people from different backgrounds together and changed our lives in a profound way. i am very grateful for this gift.  i am certain that she will be a part of my life forever, just as you will be a part of hers.

it was fun to watch stella and chace interact. it was good for him to play with another baby, to have to share his stuff. but two is a lot of work, even with two mama's around. we talked of you often, visited your garden, looked at your pictures, cried over your short life, and thanked you for your gift.

i have said this many times cooper, but i am so grateful that i am your mama. i proud of how you continue to touch lives and am so thankful i had the opportunity to know you and love you, and that i continue to feel your presence.

i love you and miss you so much!

your mama.

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

a year ago today you entered the world, stole our hearts and forever changed our lives. oh, how i wish we were celebrating your first birthday and making new memories, instead of holding on to the memories of your short time with us.

the night before you were born, your dad and i were about to fall asleep and we told you that it would be perfectly fine with us if you wanted arrive early. i had this gut feeling that you would be born on thanksgiving day and it would get us out of thanksgiving dinner. you must have heard us talking and decided to indulge our wish, or maybe you somehow knew you would only be here a short while. whatever the reason, your early arrival gave us a full 3 weeks with you and for that i am grateful.

i slept fairly well that night and woke up at 5:30 because i was uncomfortable and had to go to the bathroom. it was then that my water broke and i just smiled to myself. i woke up your dad to tell him i thought it was time and went downstairs to call the doctor. he said to make our way to the hospital. i wasn't having contractions and wasn't in any pain, so i knew we had some time. your dad made coffee and i headed upstairs to pack our bag. we had been talking about how we should pack the hospital bag, but just never got around to it. i grabbed a diet coke on the way out the door and we arrived at the hospital around 6:30.

and then we waited, and waited and waited. since it was thanksgiving, the nurses worked shorter shifts, so we had three different ones by the time you were born. we watched alot of football games and waited. finally at 10 pm, after 16 hours of waiting your heart rate started to elevate and the dr decided that it was best if he delivered you via c-section.

you were born at 10:51 pm on thursday november 27th, 2008. when the nurses showed you to me, i immediately noticed your blond hair and that your hairline was the same as mine, a family trait without a doubt. you reached out and touched my face, as if you knew what lie ahead and were telling me it would be ok. the nurses then took you, cleaned you up and you met your dad. i love how you held on to his finger for strength and courage. after they finished sewing me up they let me hold you while they wheeled us to recovery. i remember thinking, "i cant believe they are letting me hold my baby, i am so drugged, aren't they afraid i will drop him?"

once we got to the recovery room, the nurse was about to hand you to me when she noticed that you looked a little blue. so they took you away and started doing tests. it seemed like an eternity before they told us that you needed to go to the nicu at strong and that you would be transported by ambulance. it felt like someone had ripped my heart out, i just met you and they were taking you away. little did i know how my heart would shatter in the coming weeks.

all i wanted to do was get out of the hospital and get to you. when we finally were able to see you, love you and hold you, i knew that my heart was no longer mine, it belonged to you and i would do whatever necessary to keep you safe.

cooper, there isn't a day that goes by that i don't miss you, that my heart doesn't ache to hold you, or wonder what you would be like on your first birthday. but i know this,by having you, knowing you and loving you, i am a better person and will be a better mother to your little brother. you changed me and for that i am grateful.

happy birthday cooper austin!

loving and missing you always

mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

it is a glorious fall day today! i am certain that we would have celebrated your 11 month birthday with a walk among all the fall color that surrounds us this time of year. i took the dogs on a walk and they loved playing in the piles of leaves. as i was walking i imagined you stomping through those piles.

we saw dr m a few weeks ago. she looked at your brother's heart to make sure it was healthy. it was, which was a relief for us all, dr m included. it was very clear that she stills feels your death very deeply and is haunted by what went wrong. your brother looks alot like you, i shouldn't be surprised by that, but for some reason i was.

your dad and i planted daffodils at your garden a few weeks ago and i cant wait to see them bloom in the spring. they make me feel so much closer to you.

i also finally finished your nursery. you have a special box that lives in our bedroom, things that i made for you, that you wore and special reminders that i wanted to keep. i am also having a dear blogging friend make a book for you, which is going to be quite spectacular. i gave alot of your clothes to an organization that helps others, especially children, so i know that they will be much appreciated. yet another example cooper, of how you continue to touch the lives of others.


when we saw dr m, i also took another box of cooper's flock birds to jen. she has told me that those birds are providing such comfort to families whose children are undergoing surgery, that families hold them close, and that they bring a much needed smile.

i am proud to be your mama, cooper.

loving and missing you always,

mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

i loved how you slept with your arms in the air like you are in this picture. i wonder today, if you would still be sleeping this way at 10 months old. yes, today you would have turned 10 months old, so hard for me to wrap my mind around.

fall is upon us. the air is crisper, the leaves turning and the wind is blustery. fall is one of my favorite seasons and it is a welcome sight, an assuring sign that life continues.

as you and i have discussed many times, you are going to have a little brother to watch over. it has been an interesting 18 weeks so far, a constant see-saw of emotions, but i think i am learning how to handle them and am taking them as they come. we see dr m in a few weeks and she will do a fetal echo cardiogram of the bean's heart.

i want you to know, even though i know you do, that this baby will never replace you, nor will it change my love for you. you will always be my first child. it is because of what you taught me in your short life that i am able to put my fears aside, have hope, and want to be parent. cooper, you taught me how much i can love, and that is one of the greatest gifts you could have given me. the bean is very lucky to have his very own guardian watching over him.

your dad had his first tattoo appointment on friday, the one that he is getting for you. it is a work in progress, but i think that it will be a reminder to those who see it just how much he loves you. as for me, well i have to wait until your brother is born, but i too will have one in your honor. and i think your uncle luke will as well. you made such an impact on us all.

i miss you terribly, cooper, but i know that you are with me all the time.

loving you always
mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today marks what would have been your 9th month of life. i can remember the details of the day you were born with such clarity, almost like it was yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. while it was a very difficult day, it was the most magical day of my life, discovering how much my heart had the capacity to love. it changed me forever.

your dad and i head to greece for vacation next week. we are looking forward to the time away, but it will be bittersweet. we spent so much time talking about the adventures we would have as a family while on kea. and there were so many friends on the island who looked forward to meeting you for the first time. we know that you would have loved the sea and anticipated the day we could take you to our favorite beaches and watch you experience the sea for the first time.

it is our plan to take some of your ashes to kea and set you free at one of our favorite spots, but i think that will have to wait until next year. your dad and i are not ready to let you go, yet. but i know that you will be there with us, in your way.

since i last wrote you, tommy has a new little brother named charlie. i went to the hospital to meet him hours after he was born. it was hard, cooper, to hold him and not think of you. it made me miss you terribly. in some ways it was healing for me to hold and love on a baby that was heart healthy. it also gave me hope that we will someday have another baby and that baby will be healthy. i must tell you, cooper, that i did breathe a sigh of relief once charlie reached 4 weeks old.

i continue to work on your nursery in small doses. i have learned not to "plan" out time to make piles out of your things. most often i just find myself in there, sitting on the floor looking at all your tiny clothes. it always brings me a sense of peace and makes me feel closer to you.

there are days that i know with certainty that i am mending, but i also know without doubt i will never get over having to live without you. you are and always will be the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

loving you always

mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today marks what would have been your 32nd week of life. it is so hard for me to believe it has been that long since you were born. in some ways the time has flown by and in others it feels like an eternity since i held you, perhaps it is because i miss you so. all the developmental books say that during this month you would begin crawling. if you took after me, you would be close to walking by now. your mama walked when she was 9 months old.

your dad and i spent the holiday weekend in florida. it was nice to get away and be near the water. it is so healing for me. one evening we were at the beach watching the sunset and there was this little boy playing in the sand. he had the blondest hair, it was almost white, and all i could see was you. it broke my heart into a million little pieces, knowing we would never get to watch you play at the beach.

i had the thought a few weeks ago that it was time to do something with your nursery, that maybe my lack of dealing with it was preventing me from getting pregnant. i had my plan of attack all worked out in my head. a simple plan with small steps. i would begin by boxing up your things that i wanted to keep, but did not want to pass down to another baby. it seemed easy enough, and i even bought a box. but i just haven't been able to start. i have spent some time in your room, looking at your tiny clothes, books and toys, but i every time i make the move to start putting things in a box, i get overwhelmed with what to keep. maybe its because until i know another baby is on the way, it will always be your room.

we see you lately in the hummingbird that has taken to the lavender by the front window. you usually appear when i am sitting on the couch knitting and seeing you brings me such comfort and peace.

cooper, not a day goes by that i don't think about you and miss you with all my heart.

loving you always
mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper.

today would have marked your 7th month of life. where has the time gone?

sunday, we went to visit your garden. it looks amazing and all the plants have really grown in the last few weeks. while we were walking the dogs on the trails behind your garden, we felt you, then we heard you singing. your dad and i both looked up and there you were in a tree, talking away to us. it gave us such comfort as we watched you follow us along the path.

later that afternoon, we went to ella's first birthday party and we were constantly aware of your absence. that there would be no first birthday celebration for you, only the reminder of how old you would have been, if things had turned out the way we so desperately wanted. your dad and i were very aware of the gaping hole in our hearts that day, despite the festivities surrounding us.

we are trying very hard to give you a sibling to watch over. i had such a sense of purpose when i was pregnant and in those days after you were born, i need to feel that again. there are days cooper, that i feel so lost without you. i am good at filling up my day, seeing friends, working a little, and being creative, but its not the same sense of fulfillment that i had taking care of you and being your mother. no baby will ever replace you, but we ache to be parents again.

i am trying to learn how to sew, but at the moment it is more frustrating than gratifying. but the good news is that i am feeling creative for the first time since your death. i will take this as a sign that i am healing, even if its in small ways.

loving and missing you always

mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today, we would have celebrated your 6th month of life. i have found myself wondering what you would have been like. would you be sitting up? would your hair still be so blond that it glowed? what color would your eyes be? would you have curls, like i did when i was small? i imagine that today, on this special day, we would have read stories and gone for a walk, played on the floor and taken a nap. my heart breaks not only because you are gone, but because of all the things i never got to share with you. but cooper, i am healing. i have more good days than bad days and am able to see you in the birds outside, the flowers in the yard and the sun as it beams through the clouds.

we had your memorial service a few weeks ago, but i know that you know that, because you were there. it was a glorious day, a little on the cool side, but the sun was shining, the trees and flowers were full of life, and the birds were singing all for you. there were 300 coopers flock birds in the trees, 100 for each week of your life and seeing them in the trees took my breath away. the way that you have touched the lives of so many is truly awe inspiring and when we take the birds to the hospital, you will continue to touch the lives of others. and that brings me peace.

your dad and i both felt some closure after your service. we had been preparing for that day for some time, but i am glad that we waited until spring. it gave us some time to heal a bit and to make that day very special for you. there were so many people there who never got the chance to meet you, but love you so much. we are truly blessed to have such loving friends and family.

cooper, i think about you so many times during the day. your dad and i miss you so much but we know that you are with us in your own way. the other night we were eating dinner, and there was a pair of cardinals outside the dining room window. your dad said that you sent them as a sign to us. they were so spectacular. i think they have a nest in one of the evergreen trees in the back yard. it is in moments like that when we feel your presence and we treasure them so. those moments enable us to move through life and help us to heal.

loving and missing you

mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

i can't believe it is time to write you again, it seems like just yesterday that i wrote your 4 month letter. and now here we are at what would have been your 5 month of life.

remember the daffodils i told you about? well, they are finally starting to open. the buds on the magnolia tree are swollen and ready to burst into color. it has been such a long winter, longer then most because of your absence, but i think that spring is thinking about staying around for a bit.

i see you daily in the birds that visit the back yard. one day a robin in the waterfall and last night while your dad and i were eating dinner, the most brilliant blue jay sitting by the daffodils. it is in those moments that i feel peace, that i know you are near and that i know i will be ok.

your yaya is coming to visit next week, as well as a lot of people who love you so much. we are having your memorial service on may 2nd, and people are coming from far and wide to celebrate your life. your great uncle mike is going to do the service and i know he will do an amazing job. he has an interesting perspective, being a cardiologist and an episcopal minister. and cooper the birds will be magnificent. you will just love all the birds that have been knit in your honor, all the love, hope and healing that has gone into making them is overwhelming.

oh cooper, i miss you so. i have good days and bad days, i think more good days as of late, but the bad ones are so difficult. and what i have realized about grief is that people move on, but your dad and i live with our grief everyday. it is so much a part of our day to day existence, as your pappous says, your death has become the fabric of our lives. he is a very wise man. but the disconnect between those who have moved on and us is difficult and i find myself getting irritated. not because i don't want to move on or think that moving on represents a betrayal to you, but because my wound is still so raw, the mark that your death left on my heart is deep and my heart is still broken. i suppose in time my heart will mend, but it will never be whole again.

i hope you know cooper, just how much i love you, miss you and long to see your sweet face.

mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today you would have been 4 months old. i am constantly aware of long you have been away from me and how old you would have been had you lived through the surgery. and since both of these measurements of time fall on thursdays, i always wake with a heart ache on thursdays.

spring is starting to show its face. the two hundred daffodils we planted weeks before you were born are starting to to poke through the cold ground, a gentle reminder that life continues. oh, how i imagined showing you those flowers and telling you the story of how badly i wanted bulbs planted, but your dad doesn't like bulbs, he thinks they are too fussy. he is a tree man. but your dad is so kind and wants so badly for me to be happy, so he planted all those bulbs on the last possible day in november. a day where there was sun, fall in the air and ground that was still warm and soft. seeing those bulbs reach for the sun brings me comfort, and makes me feel closer to you.

your dad and i are trying to get back to a routine, although it is not the routine we wanted, it is progress nonetheless. we are both back at work, and while that does not erase the pain, it does keep us occupied for segments of the day.

cooper, i can not tell you how you have touched and moved people. there are people from all over the world knitting little birds in your honor. and i know that you will watch over all the cardiac children and their families, and that my sweet does my heart good.

but i do miss you so and i do not think the hole in my heart will ever mend. but i am trying so hard to make you proud, to find happiness again, and live life in way that honors you.

loving and missing you

mom

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

my life changed three months ago today when you entered the world. it is hard for me to believe that it has been that long. in some ways it seems like just yesterday that your dad and i were loading up the car to go to the hospital to meet you and in other ways it seems like an eternity since i held you in my arms or had you fall asleep on my chest.

and though you are not physically with us, we do feel you and are connected to you. there is not a minute that goes by that we dont miss you or long to see your sweet face. i dont think that our hearts will ever completely heal but they are mending.

i met alli and tommy today for lunch at the diner. you and tommy were going to be best buddies. he called you baby coop. i am so sad that you two never got to meet each other and play.

we were supposed to meet with dr meagher tomorrow to go over your autopsy results, but they had to reschedule because there were two children who needed emergency heart surgery. while i understand that, i was hoping to get some answers as to why you were taken away from me. but i think there is a part of me that knows there will be no answers, that i will never understand what happened or why. and while no medical explanation can help my heart, it would help my head.

i still havent touched your room. i know you didnt spend much time in there, but it is still yours. i cant seem to pack away your clothes because they smell like you. maybe when i have sniffed your smell out of them i can pack them away, but for now they sit in your pack and play in the office.

this day is important because your dad and i can now try to bring you a sibling to watch over and protect. you will always be our first child, but you brought us such joy in the time you were with us and we want to feel that joy again.

cooper, i want you to know how much i love you, how my hearts aches for you and how grateful i am that you showed me how capable i was of love. you will always be my birdy.

loving and missing you
mom


})

8 weeks old

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today you would have been 8 weeks old. maybe that is why i dreamt of you all night, which made me wake up missing you more than usual. my dreams were so vivid and real, i could feel you in my arms and close to my heart. you just snuggled right up and i could smell that sweet smell of yours.

i never knew how capable i was of loving until i met you, how much my heart could expand and i am so grateful for what you taught me, but i also never knew how much my heart could break. losing you caused a pain so deep and raw, so gut-wrenching and intense. cooper, i try to be so strong and brave but there are days that it is just more than i can bear. my heart aches so much that at times it literally takes my breath away.

we leave tomorrow for santa fe and i am having some anxiety about leaving. i have learned to live among your things the past five weeks and have formed a comfortable relationship with them. i know that it will be good for us to get away, but i dont want to leave you here. i know that you will be going with us in your own way, but it is not how i want it to be, not how it is supposed to be.

you come to me in birds, in light, and song. you always seem to know when i need to see you. i hope that you travel to santa fe and mexico. i want you to know cooper that you are always with me. i love you so much and miss you more than i can express. i waited my whole life for you and know that in that waiting i loved you the entire time. and even though you were taken from us, my love is stronger than ever.

loving you and missing you every moment of the day
mom