in 4 weeks

Monday, January 25, 2010

it seems to me that this pregnancy has been the longest gestational period in the history of mankind. so it is a little strange to me that in 4 weeks, or maybe sooner, the bean will be here. that we will know what he looks like, who he looks like, be able to count his fingers and toes, see his personality in action and smell that intoxicating baby smell.

and while i am over the moon excited to meet the gremlin that has take over my body, i am anxious. there is a beauty in not knowing when you are going to go into labor, you have no control over the timing and you have to let the process unfold. it is spontaneity at its finest. you lose some of that when you have a planned c-section. and while it was my decision to have a repeat c-section, i am secretly hoping the bean comes early (i will still have a c- section). i think it will take some of the anxiety out of the process.

i know intellectually, that the anxiety is natural. our birth experience with cooper was not the norm and i have every reason to believe that the bean's birth will be the norm. but i know that the process will be intense, emotional and overwhelming. and that despite our joy, there will still be some sadness and grieving that takes place. how could there not be?

not knowing what those moments will be like when we are first together as a family unit seems to occupy my thoughts lately. i also know that until the bean lives longer than cooper, i will be very protective and guarded of our little family. we are blessed to have friends and family alike who are so excited about the bean and want to share in our joy. but in those first 3 weeks i don't want alot of visitors, with exception of immediate family and our closest friends. whether or not people understand this need makes me anxious and occupies my thoughts when i cant sleep at night.

i try not to dwell on my anxiety, but its hard, given all that we have been through. but i know that despite my anxiety and worry, things will unfold as they should and i will look back and wonder why i worried so.

and that in 4 weeks, we will be a family and the hole in my heart will not be as big as it is today.

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