cooper's flock update

today i dropped
the last batch of
cooper's birds at the hospital.

can you believe it?

it was hard.
to be in that space.
the memories came
rushing back.

it was hard to
randomly run into
cooper's surgeon.
(even though i had a premonition that i was going to see him today)
i have not seen him
since we met to go over the autopsy.

over 400 birds
have been given to
families on surgery day
for the past 2.5 years.

thank you to all who contributed to the flock.

cooper has been on my mind.
i miss him terribly today.
i have mixed emotions
about no longer having a box
of birds in my basement.

i knew this day would come
that the birds would not reproduce
in my basement.
but i kind of wish they did.

they have brought
comfort to families on a
very difficult day.

the families do not know
me or my story.
simply, that someone who has been
in their shoes is thinking about them.

jen and i were talking
today about what the
next move is for cooper's flock.
i am torn.

what do you think?

if you want
to create birds, i will love
you for it.
if you do not want to,
i will still love you.

you decide.

heart center

i have had the heart
on my mind lately.
both the physical heart
and the figurative heart.

cooper's imperfect heart.
chace's perfect heart.
both the size of a walnut
when they were born.

this organ that is
in the center of the body.
the life force,
the work horse
of the human body,

my heart that i guarded
so carefully
until i met ph.

it was battered
and bruised over the years.
leaving me cautious
about leaving it unprotected.

i learned how much
my heart could love
when my boys were born.
and how much it could break, hurt and ache
when cooper died.

i learned how through
hard work, love, and patience
it can mend.
not heal but mend.
stitched together carefully.

i learned that despite
such a trauma,
it can love completely
again, if not more fully than before.

in yoga, the goal is
to be centered, grounded.
i start each practice
at heart center
and come back to throughout the class.

opening up.
being unguarded
exposed.
vulnerable.

and when i think i can
not open up anymore.
i think of cooper.
our hearts forever connected.
a string pulling my heart
closer to his.

and by opening up,
i am closer to him
and thus a better parent,
wife and friend.

a whole lot of love

a father's tribute to his son

We all live with the scars we choose, they may hurt like hell, but they make us stronger....

-Sugarland

10:21 am

time of of death was 10:21 am on december 18, 2008.

it is also the exact time that my heart shattered into a million pieces, our lives forever changed and we became part of a club where membership is not sought.

cooper's death was unexpected and caught every one of guard, including the cardiac team. but there was part of me that knew, knew he would only be on earth for a short time. i don't know how i knew, call it a mother's intuition, or a gut feeling.

everything after 10:21 am was a blur, yet i remember every single detail of the events as the unfolded. i was numb. i didn't know i could experience hurt so deep and so raw. i didn't know how i was going to put one foot in front of the other, or how i was going to find joy again. hell, all i wanted to do was crawl in a deep dark hole and never ever come out.

but here i am a year later and this is what i know:

** my heart has mended, but will never heal completely. it will always be scarred.

** the ache is still there, but it's not constant. it ebbs and flows, a characteristic of grief.

**losing cooper has become a part of who i am, but his loss does not define me.

** moving through grief is a choice i make every single day. i had two choices, let it cripple me for the rest of my life or do the hard work to heal. i chose the latter.

** even though cooper is not here, i have a relationship with him that is real and it is strong. i feel his presence daily.

** my relationship with my precious husband is stronger than ever. i love him more than i thought possible. it is his love that saves me every single day.

** i am thankful for my dear friends and family that have allowed me to feel whatever i needed to feel, whenever i needed to feel it. this played a critical role in my healing.

** the kindness and support of strangers continues to amaze me, whether through creating cooper birds, reading the words i write or leaving words of encouragement. i cherish it all.

** that the ultimate way to honor cooper is to continue to live, find joy, treasure the little things and give him a little brother to watch over.

and finally, i will be a better mother, wife, friend and daughter because of the love i have for cooper.

a year ago

december 17, 2008:

we awoke to a landscape covered with snow, so pristine and clean. was it a sign of what was to come? nature's way of cleansing before the ugliness sets in....

at the time we saw it as an inconvenience, knowing that the drive into the hospital during rush hour would take longer, adding strain to our already frazzled nerves. there was some humor on the drive in, the trunk of car wouldn't close, so we drove all the way to the hospital with it open. snow blowing inside and people trying to tell us it was open. i remember my mom saying "if this is the worst thing that happens today, its ok." of course the trunk closed and latched as soon as we arrived at the hospital.

somehow, we made it to the hospital close to the appointed time, dr a., the surgeon, was not so lucky. he was about two hours late. so we waited, and i tried not to think about the fact that my 3 week old baby was about to have open heart surgery. cooper was hungry and cranky. i let my mom hold him. i still feel guilty because i didn't hold every minute before surgery. i know there was no way to know what lay ahead and letting others help doesn't make me a bad mother, but i still feel guilty.

after they took him away. i fell apart. i was terrified that something bad was going to happen, but i was also hopeful. hopeful that dr a and his team would repair the hole in cooper's heart, giving him a full chance at life. the waiting was agonizing, we watched tv, sent emails, read, knit and tried not to think about the what ifs..... there was one point, about half way through the surgery, that my heart started racing and i felt sick to my stomach. in hindsight, i am sure it was the moment that they made the decision that the repair was not enough and they needed to put in a shunt in cooper's left ventricle.

after 6 hours of waiting and nail biting, the doctors came into tell us that cooper would be in the picu soon and that we would be able to see him. we saw him briefly as they wheeled him by, my sweet little baby all puffy and with tubes, but he was alive and doing well. once they got him settled they would let us see him. dr a came and talked to us. he admitted that the surgery was more complicated than he had hoped, but that cooper had responded brilliantly.

when we saw cooper. i cried. it broke my heart to see him like that, but i was also so relieved that he had made it through surgery. they left his chest open, so there was this piece of second skin covering his little heart. you could see his heart beating, such a welcome sight.

that night before we went to bed, i told my precious husband, " i thought i would never see him alive again, that i was so relieved." i slept with coopers' fleece sleeper that night because it smelled like him and i needed to be close to him.

december 17, 2009:

it is a winter wonderland once again. the first real snow we have had this year. i am sure it is cooper's way of trying to ease the ache in my heart and letting me know he is watching over us and the bean.

even though, my heart feels like it breaking all over again, i am hopeful.

cooper austin snyder gerenski

today the scab that has been holding my heart together is gone and my heart is once again in a million little pieces. oh how i miss cooper.

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

i can't believe it is time to write you again, it seems like just yesterday that i wrote your 4 month letter. and now here we are at what would have been your 5 month of life.

remember the daffodils i told you about? well, they are finally starting to open. the buds on the magnolia tree are swollen and ready to burst into color. it has been such a long winter, longer then most because of your absence, but i think that spring is thinking about staying around for a bit.

i see you daily in the birds that visit the back yard. one day a robin in the waterfall and last night while your dad and i were eating dinner, the most brilliant blue jay sitting by the daffodils. it is in those moments that i feel peace, that i know you are near and that i know i will be ok.

your yaya is coming to visit next week, as well as a lot of people who love you so much. we are having your memorial service on may 2nd, and people are coming from far and wide to celebrate your life. your great uncle mike is going to do the service and i know he will do an amazing job. he has an interesting perspective, being a cardiologist and an episcopal minister. and cooper the birds will be magnificent. you will just love all the birds that have been knit in your honor, all the love, hope and healing that has gone into making them is overwhelming.

oh cooper, i miss you so. i have good days and bad days, i think more good days as of late, but the bad ones are so difficult. and what i have realized about grief is that people move on, but your dad and i live with our grief everyday. it is so much a part of our day to day existence, as your pappous says, your death has become the fabric of our lives. he is a very wise man. but the disconnect between those who have moved on and us is difficult and i find myself getting irritated. not because i don't want to move on or think that moving on represents a betrayal to you, but because my wound is still so raw, the mark that your death left on my heart is deep and my heart is still broken. i suppose in time my heart will mend, but it will never be whole again.

i hope you know cooper, just how much i love you, miss you and long to see your sweet face.

mom

sweet surprise

when i opened the mailbox yesterday i was surprised to find a sweet little package from my great aunt virginia in austin. it feels a little odd to say great aunt, because she has always been aunt virginia to me and doesn't feel like a "great aunt", but if you want to get technical about our relationship..... it is great aunt. anyway in this envelope was the sweetest letter, a cd of music, a beautiful picture of daffodils and some poems. and i have to tell you dear readers they really were the most perfect poems. so perfect and fitting, that i knew i had to share this one with you.....


mending

loss of a loved one
is not like a dropped stitch...
more like a hole
in a favorite sweater.

knitting, we'd rip back,
pick up the dropped stitch,
making the pattern come out all right,
but a hole
in a favorite sweater just comes.

should we discard the garment,
buy something new? should we
wear the hole proudly for
others to see? or
pull threads together with small
steady stitches,
mending the damage carefully...

but the memory of that place will stay,
never completely
go away.

this poem explains so perfectly what coopers flock is doing for my heart, mending it stitch by stitch. thank you aunt virginia for that bit of hope you sent in the mail and thank you to all you dear readers who are helping to mend my heart by being part of coopers flock.