magical

thursday was one
of those days
when i loved motherhood.

one those days
that was magical.
one of those days
that  i will always remember.

we didnt do anything extraordinary.
we simply were in the moment.
we had connection, chace and i
that was indescribable.

we were silly.
we gave kisses.
we laughed.
we played.
we rolled in the grass.
we looked at the sky.
we laughed some more.
we practiced downward facing dog.
we gave hugs.
we ran.

it was so simple,
so easy,
so effortless.

it was a reminder to myself.
that i am capable of turning my mind off
and just being in the moment with chace.

i wouldn't trade it for anything.
and i will cherish it always.
i look forward to more of these
magical motherhood moments.

phase 2

its just a phase
its just a phase
its just a phase
this was the phrase i repeated to myself
all day long.

sometimes, with every breath.
its just a phase
its just a phase.

the sweet child pictured above,
my precious boy,
is beginning to assert his will
and it is ugly.

it is like some alien
takes over his body.

seriously,
he rolls around on the floor.
kick his legs.
screams.
turns red.
hits whatever he can find.
and sometimes bites the floor.

who is this child?
and where did my sweet chace go?

sometimes i laugh at him.
i mean his behavior is absurd.
sometimes i get very annoyed.
like when i am changing a poop diaper
and he is trashing around on the floor,
acting as if i am trying to hog tie him
and brand him with a hot iron.

i have to tell myself to breathe
that this too shall pass.
i am the parent.
i am in charge.
he doesn't always get his way.
he needs to learn this lesson early.

its just a phase.
an age appropriate phase.
a phase that will pass.
soon, i hope.

21 memos from your child

i saw this on jora of domestic reflections blog yesterday and it moved me. i felt the need to share, mainly as a reminder to myself, but it is really powerful.


enjoy

21 Memos From Your Child

1. Don’t spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not have all I ask for. 
I am only testing you. 

2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. 
I prefer it, it makes me feel secure. 

3. Don’t let me form bad habits. 
I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages. 

4. Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. 
It only makes me behave stupidly “big”. 

5. Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. 
I’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private. 

6. Don’t make me feel all of my mistakes are sins. 
It upsets my sense of values. 

7. Don’t protect me from consequences. 
I need to learn the painful way, sometimes. 

8. Don’t be upset when I say “I hate you”. 
It isn’t you I hate, but your power to thwart me. 

9. Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments. 
Sometimes they get me the attention I need. 

10. Don’t nag. 
If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf. 

11. Don’t forget that I can’t explain myself as well as I should like.
 This is why I’m not always very accurate.

12. Don’t make rash promises. 
Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken. 

13. Don’t tax my honesty too much. 
I am easily frightened into telling lies. 

14. Don’t be inconsistent. 
That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you. 

15. Don’t tell me my fears are silly. 
They are terribly real to me and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand. 

16. Don’t put me off when I ask questions. 
If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere. 

17. Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. 
It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither. 

18. Don’t ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. 
An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you. 

19. Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up. 
It must be very difficult to keep pace with me, but please try. 

20. Don’t forget I love experimenting. 
I couldn’t do without it, so please be patient with it.

21. Don’t forget that I can’t thrive without lots of understanding and unconditional love,
 but I don’t need to tell you that, do I? 

original author unknown

musings on motherhood

** mother's day is mix of the bitter and sweet, happy and sad, tears and laughter. i am a mother of two, but one is not here. it is on days like this, occasions like this that i feel cooper's absence. it tugs at my heart. and then in the same breathe i have such joy watching chace. this is the balance that will be part of my life until the day i die.

** i have fallen in love with motherhood. everyday is an adventure of learning and growing. i love experiencing the world through chace's eyes. it is so much fun.

** motherhood is the hardest thing i have ever done. period. the end.

** i have never been so serious about giving chace every opportunity to grow, learn and be the best he can be. i also thinks this makes me a better parent.

** i realize that the opinions on parenting that i had before becoming a parent were based on, well nothing. my opinions now are based on doing right by my son and what is best for him.

** the love a mother feels for her children is great than anything else on this earth.

** children grow like weeds and the time passes at warp speed.. i am learning to savor the moments because before i know it he will be all grown up.

** wishing you all a happy mother's day!

for mom

best advice my mother gave me...... pretty is as pretty does. nothing is uglier than a girl with no manners or home training. always write thank you note, by hand. there is always some one who has more than you and someone who has a lot less, be happy with what you have.

favorite childhood memory....traveling as a family. some of  our best family moments were when we were traveling abroad. we still talk about our trips when we get together.

favorite thing to do with mom... sit on the beach, watching the sea, feeling the sun and talking. 

another favorite

my favorite part of real simple magazine
is their page titled "thoughts"
this is from the may issue.


"a mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world.
  it knows no law, no pity, it dates all things and
  crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path"
  
                                                 -agatha christie

dear chace

my dear sweet chace,

happy 13 months! you are officially a toddler. way to go!

you have grown up so much in the last month. i can hardly believe, but you are sweet as ever. please, please stay that way forever. thanks.

you are walking all over the place. you crawl sometimes, but only when you need to be really fast. i love watching you walk, you grow more sure of yourself with every step and are so proud of yourself when you reach your destination. you have 3 words, well you have more, but i have not figured out what they mean, mama, dada, and book. speaking of books, you still love to read! this makes me so happy. we read lots of books during the course of the day and you have taken to reading them on your own. you are eating alot of solid food these days. fruit is your absolute favorite, you would kill someone for blueberries, bananas and strawberries. but you also are a fan of grilled cheese and peanut butter and jelly. you had ground beef with tomato sauce last night and loved it. i am so grateful that you are a good eater.

you are so much fun. you have your own little personality and its like i have a constant little friend with me at all times. but, you have also begun to assert and express yourself. just yesterday i closed the door to the family room, which you did not want me to do, and to show me your displeasure you flopped on the floor and screamed. it was hard not to laugh, you were so pathetic laying there on the floor. luckily, your tantrum did not last long and you were your happy self within minutes.

i can not wait to see how you change and grow this month. it is such a joy and honor to be your mama.

love you
mama

dueling emotions

it was around 1:30 am wednesday morning when i awoke to the sound of chace. he was not crying. he was not readjusting. he was not babbling. he was calling for me. "mama! mama!" came over the monitor. there was no mistaking who he wanted or what he was saying.  hearing my sweet chace call out for me, caused me to jump out of bed. all he wanted was for me to find his pacifier. he went right back to sleep. it took me a little while to drift off to sleep because i was filled with such joy that he had said the one word i have longed to hear since the day he was born. he has been saying "mama" over and over and over, ever since. in fact the only time he will voluntarily give up his pacifier is to eat or to say "mama."

fast forward

last night, i was putting my socks in the dirty clothes hamper when i saw cooper's box sitting in the closet. his box of things as well as his ashes, have been in our closet for some time. i know that is where it lives. but there was something about it that set me off. before i or ph knew what happened i was sobbing uncontrollably. my heart hurt so much. i kept saying in between sobs " he is in the closet." and "i never got to hear him say mama." i cried so hard that my chest hurt, not from grief but from crying.

yesterday was a day of dueling emotions. grief, sadness, and heartache dueling it out with happiness, elation and joy. i kept trying to make sense of it last night while trying to fall asleep. and the only thing that i could come up with is that it is ok to have both emotions. that those emotions are not a betrayal of either one of my sons. and that learning to live with them both and accepting them for what they are is healing.

so duel away emotions... duel away......

keeping track

since the day chace was born
i have kept track of everything.
i mean everything.

poop diapers, wet diapers,
length of sleep,
number of naps,
how much he ate,
and what he ate.

i kept it all in my iphone.
in an app
called total baby.

it was my way of asserting
control.
control that does not exist
when you have a newborn.

i always dreamt
that i forgot to feed chace.
this was my way my making sure
i did not forget.

self validation of my
parenting skills.

during our time in santa fe
i stopped keeping track.

and guess what?
i did no forget to feed him
or change a dirty diaper.

i am not sure why i stopped keeping track.
maybe i feel more in control as a parent.
i know, however, that this is
a fleeting feeling
that will not last.

 eventually, i will be keeping track again.
of homework, play dates and sports practices.

but it feels good to not
be keeping track
at this moment.

i confess

i have been thinking alot
about athena's latest post.
i have been thinking
while sewing.

and i think it is ok
to be selfish.
to want to have an identity
that is seperate from
your husband
your work
and your children.

being a good mother
is a selfless act.
and having something
for yourself
is important.
it makes you a better mother.

i am selfish too.
this is why i am
very strict with the schedule.
i know people
think i am too rigid.
but i do not care.

being a slave to the schedule
gives me 2 hours in the day
when i can lose myself
in fabric.
in stitches.
in patterns.
and the gentle hum of the sewing machine.

this two hours makes me
a better mother.
a more patient mother.
it enables me to be totally selfless
when i am with my son.
this is the ultimate gift that
i can give him.

it also gives me
the structure
that i crave.
it creates a rhythm
to our day.

this predictability
is good for chace.
he is happier
when he knows
the game plan.

so instead of
being hard on myself
for wanting to create.
or having to constantly
explain the schedule
or the need to maintain it.
i am going to embrace it.

being a slave to schedule
while self motivated
is a gift to myself,
chace,
and ph.

so, athena dear,
it is healthy
to want something
that is yours and yours alone.
do not be afraid
to own your photo skills.
you have a gift.

and for the record,
you are a damn good
mama.

a foul tale

motherhood is not something that you can really prepare for.... sure you buy all the gear and clothes, read the books, take the classes, but nothing prepares you like being in the trenches. and even being in the trenches for the last 8 months does not mean that i have gotten used to changing poop diapers. ( oh yes i am going there). in fact, the more i change them, the more repulsed i am.


you all know that chace has a hard time pooping. i have lamented that fact many times on this blog of mine.   unfortunately, he inherited his mother's bowels. sorry kid. since he started eating food, this has become more of a problem for him. believe me we have tried all the tricks, to no avail. so upon consultation with the dr, he gets 1 teaspoon of miralax in his morning bottle. most days this does the trick, but there are some days that his little system needs more help. so, he gets another teaspoon in the afternoon. we have had to resort to 2x a day twice. yesterday was one of those days. i am keeping my fingers crossed we never have to go there again.


yesterday evening ph had to work late, which meant that i had bath and bed duty. no problem. after dinner, i thought i would use the time to call my bff and catch up while chace was playing. ( i have recently discovered speaker phone and love using it. i apologize if you hate it, but it makes conversing easier when i have two hands free). we were about 15 minutes into the phone conversation when i saw chace leaning forward and then there was the smell. my child is the smelliest baby ever. seriously. ever. no big deal. i am on speaker phone. we will just carry on while i am changing the diaper. i got this i think to myself.

i put chace on the changing table and  pull off his pants. i realize that this was more than a straight forward diaper change. there is poop coming out the side of the diaper. i squirm and mutter to myself. i then inform ash of the task at hand.  at that moment it becomes perfectly clear that i am in over my head. there is poop everywhere. all over his bottom end, up his back, which then gets smeared all over the changing pad, all over his clothes. there are  no amount of wipes that can get this kid clean. i frantically tell ash that he has to go straight to the bath. i will call her later.

i pick up my naked, poopy baby and whisk him upstairs all the while hoping that he doesn't pee on me, adding insult to injury. i put him in the tub before there is water in it because i do not want poop on the bath mat or floor. he thought it was fun to watch the water go in the tub. i am thankful that i have a water  baby.  the task of making my baby clean and sweet smelling is underway when a wave of horror washes over me. i left the diaper, wipes and clothes on the table next to the pack and play. (normally not a big deal, but bailey ate poop diapers over the weekend. so not only i have been cleaning it off my child, i have cleaning it off my dog. ) i can not leave chace in the bath alone. so i just hope against hope that the diaper is where i left it when i go back down.

once chace is cleaned and dressed i go down stairs to assess the damage. good bailey, you left the diaper alone. there is a god. but i still have the changing table to tackle. i grab cleaner, and the towel i just used on chace and went to work. i then promptly put diaper, wipes, towel and onesie in a bag and left it outside the door for ph to dispose of. i wanted to him to see the what he missed out on. he seems to miss out on all the fun.

motherhood does not make own immune to poop or the ick factor that comes with it. i do not know how much more poop i can take. i will be so glad when he is potty trained. but at least i know my right from my left, at least for today.

good intentions

do you remember this post? when i thought, before bean, that cloth diapering was the diapering method i wanted to use? and then i realized that cloth diapering wasn't for me?

well, despite my good intentions, i have recently had another parenting revelation. you see, before bean, i thought that without a doubt i would make my own baby food. we eat alot of vegetables. i would just buy extra and puree them for bean. i mean how hard could it be? and besides i wanted to set a good food example for the beginning. ph and i love food, good food, so of course our offspring will follow in our foodie footsteps. i somehow thought that making baby food would make me a better parent or justify being a stay at home mom.

and then it hit me. while it is noble to make your own baby food. and i applaud those who do..... it is not how i want to spend my free time. i would rather spend my free time creating, not in the kitchen. and that is ok.  it doesn't mean i am less of a mother or invalidate my role as stay at home mom. it doesn't really mean anything, other than i do not want to do it. and besides gerber baby food is just fine. they have been nourishing babies for years. babies don't eat mushy food for long and they do make organic. so bean, will be just fine eating the version i can buy at wegman's

i am learning that much of parenthood is about what works for you and your family. i entered motherhood with a lot of ideas of how i thought it was supposed to be and am learning that there is no right or wrong way to parent ( as long as you are not harming your child, obviously). and that freedom is one of the best things about this role. i am slowly learning to embrace it and trusting my gut more and more.

 well at least for today.

dear chace

dear chace,

it dawned on me this morning, as i was going through your closet, taking out clothes that you have out grown, that time has flown by, that you have grown so quickly and that you will not stay little forever. people tell me all the time, how fast babies grow, but it never really sunk in until this morning. and my how you have grown.

today, you are 7 months old and you have hit some major milestones in the past month. you made your first trip to greece. you were so good. your papa and i were so proud of our little traveler. it was like you had been waiting for that trip your entire life. you loved the sea. i am certain that you could have spent all day in the water if we let you. you did not miss one beat. and on our epic trip home you were so good. even when we spent two hours sitting on the runway in jfk, you slept. bravo!

while we were in greece, you got your first tooth, sat up in your crib by yourself, ate lemon potatoes, had a growth spurt and charmed everyone you met. it was very clear that you are an extrovert. when you knew you had an audience you put on a show. i have a feeling that you will be crawling soon. it is clear that you want to move. you can get up on your hands and knees. but you can not figure out how to move. i think it is only a matter of time.

this month you will meet a new friend, actually next week, stella. i can not wait to see you two interact. i think that watching her crawl for 4 days will inspire you to do the same. that is after all, how your mama decided she wanted to walk.

everyday continues to be an adventure. you continue to amaze me. i fall more in love with motherhood each day. ( ok who am i kidding. only when you are being fun, cute and silly. not when you are fussy, grumpy or refusing to sleep). i look forward to seeing what lies ahead for you in your 7th month.

love
mama

guest post: alli."camping"

next up: allison from the adventures of bean and goobs.

Friday afternoon Mommy came up with a really great idea. Bean had been asking about camping lately, and Mommy thought it would be great if Bean and Daddy camped out in the backyard. When Daddy came home from work on Friday, she ran the idea past him.

Mommy: "So, I was thinking, maybe you and Bean want to camp out in the backyard on Saturday night. He would love it."

Daddy: (Thinks for a moment) "Sure, I guess that would be fun. Do you think he'll actually do it?"

Mommy: "We'll just tire him out really well. As long as you are out there, I think he will be fine."

Daddy: (Looking a little skeptical) "OK. Sure. I guess."

Mommy and Daddy run the idea past Bean and he very, very excited. So excited that he asks to make a list of all of the things that are needed for camping. He doesn't want to forget anything seeing is how he is so far away in the back yard and all.

Saturday evening arrives. Bean and Daddy get the tent set up, sleeping bags unrolled and pillows set. Bean's usual bed time is 7:00. They let him stay up until 8:00. It is still light outside.

Daddy: (As he gets into the tent with Bean, the thought is just now occurring to him that he is going to have to go to sleep at 8:00 p.m.) "Hey, it's still light out. What am I going to do out here? I don't think I can go to sleep this early."

Mommy: (Zips up the tent super quick as if that could keep them both in there) "I'll run and get you a book. You can read with the flashlight on."

Mommy knows that Beans obsession with flashlights is going to be a problem and will probably only keep Bean awake longer, but, as she goes into the house to get Daddy his book, she listens to the sound of absolute quiet. Goobs is fast asleep upstairs in his crib. Daddy and Bean are outside. Everything is so still and peaceful. Mommy decides that she has to make this campout work.

Mommy: (Back outside she gives Daddy his book and also hands him a beer) “Here, drink this. You better not come back in because it will upset the dog and wake up Goobs. Here is your phone. If you need anything, call me. But don't come in, unless it is an emergency. If anyone has to tinkle, you can just go behind the shed."

Daddy: (Looks at Mommy very suspiciously) "Am I being played here? Was this a set up?"

Mommy: (Hoping he is buying it) "No! Bean wanted to camp out. Really. Now, have fun.”

Mommy kisses everyone and says goodnight. She goes inside, loads a chick flick on the Roku and watches the entire thing, uninterrupted. Then she takes a bath, reads her book and goes to sleep. Alone.
The next morning, Mommy comes downstairs at 7 am. Daddy and Bean have just come in.

Mommy: "How was it? Did he sleep well?"

Daddy: "He slept fine. Like a rock. Which is about how comfortable the ground is out there. I hope you enjoyed the bed last night."

Mommy: "I did. Very much. Thank you."

Daddy: "So, you can tell me now, did I get played?"

Mommy: "Maybe a little. But you had fun right?"

Daddy: (Not wanting to admit it because then he can't hold anything over Mommy's head) "Yeah, we had a great time actually. He was really cute and kept saying that he loved me and that I was the best Daddy in the world."

Mommy: "Yep, you definitely got played."

clarity

motherhood has provided me with some clarity, an understanding of my own mother and why she did and said certain things when we were little.  i heard the following words repeatedly when i was younger "you will understand when you have children of your own."  this would immediately instigate a roll of the eyes on my part, a heavy sigh and a "you just down understand" would fly out of my mouth. as if i had the world's worst mother and had such a miserable existence. this could not be further from the truth. my mom always says in her next life she is going to be one of her own children. i think she is on to something.

here we are 30 some odd years later and i have my ahh-haa moment, the light bulb goes off, i have clarity. i finally understand what she is talking about. it's like i finally understand the secret language of motherhood. it all makes sense. why we went to bed when it was still light out. why she insisted that we took a nap, she didn't care what we did but we had to be in our room for two hours. she needed some peace and quiet! i understand why she took a bath at night. what i do not understand is why she did not drink more? or maybe she did and i just do not remember it. and i am sure i will have many more ahh-haa moments along the way, after all chace is only 6 months old.

i put all this together this week when i was ever so lucky to have a cold. the same cold that the bean had and he so kindly gave to me. there is nothing worse than a summer cold. all i wanted to do was take some medicine and go to bed. but i could not do this, i am a mom now. it would not do me any good to complain, no one was listening. bean still needed his diaper changed, needed to be fed, and entertained. he did not care how i felt. he felt fine.  there are no days off in motherhood. children do not care if you are sick, tired, hungover, emotional or just feel like sometime to yourself. they need you, but mothers need their children too.

my love for your chace brings a kind of clarity about life that i never knew existed and could simply not understand until i became a mother.

the inevitable

i knew this day would come. 

it was inevitable.

despite knowing it was looming,

i hoped we would be spared.

not a chance.

bean has woken up the last two nights,

30 minutes after going to sleep.

this is not normal bean behavior.

the first night i thought maybe he was hungry.

so we fed him.

he went to sleep.

last night we had a repeat performance.

we tried to let him work it out.

ph was stronger than i.

but we finally caved and fed him.

he went to sleep.

and slept through the night.

despite sleeping through the night,

i was beginning to see a pattern take shape.

so, i sent out a mom s.o.s this morning,

including a call to the pediatrician's office.

and the response was the same.

he needs to work it out himself. 

even if it takes him two hours.

oh give me strength.

parenthood is not for the faint of heart.

last night i made cookies to distract myself.

i can not do that every night.

perhaps i will start drinking bourbon.

or maybe i will just sew alot.

i need something to distract me.

moments

there are lots of "moments" that come with being a parent. there are good and bad moments. moments when you feel rested and moments when you are so dang tired you didn't know you could be so tired. moments when you feel out of control and moments when you have it together. moments when things are chaotic and unorganized and moments when there is relative calm. moments when you accomplish nothing but brushing your teeth and moments when you move through your to-do list with relative ease. moments when you miss your life before children and moments when you wouldn't trade motherhood for a the world.

yesterday,  i had a priceless moment with the bean. one of those moments that made me fall in love with being a mom and love the heck out of my baby. it was all thanks to a tissue paper pom-pom that finally fell off the ceiling. ( side note, they had been there for over a year. i bought them for alli's baby shower last may. i liked them, so i kept them up). this above mentioned pom pom kept the bean entertained for most of the afternoon. thanks to my trusty iphone i was able to capture the moment. and it turned out pretty cool. it should be said that i did not alter this photo in any way, shape or form. bean was lying on our couch, which happens to be dark brown and leather, so it looks like he is floating on air.

love it.

from the frontline

my newest lesson from the frontline of motherhood is... if you have a routine that works, for goodness sake do not change it!

bean has always been a good sleeper at night. the days of walking around like a zombie and feeling like you need tooth picks to prop your eyes open are in the distant past, that is until recently. the last two nights have been awful. bean has woken up numerous times and wont go back to sleep. ph and i have been on the bean merry go round trying to get him back to sleep. just when we thought we had won the sleep battle, he would wake up. it has been a long couple of nights.

the culprit of his sudden unwillingness to sleep is oatmeal cereal. everyone tells you that once babies have cereal they sleep through the night. well i am here to say that is not the case with my baby. turns out oatmeal cereal gives bean gas preventing him from eating full bottles and sleeping. we were fighting hunger because he was eating about 10 ounces less than normal and we were fighting gas bubbles. people, this is a losing battle.  sorry bean, its only formula for you for the time being.


again, the moral of the story. if you have a good thing going, do not change it up.

dear chace

dear sweet chace,

happy 5 months! i can not believe you are 5 months old. here are some things that i have learned/ noticed about you over the last month.

** you are intense and focused when there is something you want.

** like your mother, you do not like loud voices or people in your personal space.

** thanks to both of your parents, you have a serious set of eyebrows. i am concerned we may have to wax them before you head off to montessori school.

** you know how to use said eyebrows correctly. this frightens me a little. you are only 5 months old.

** there is no better feeling in the world to see your eyes light up when you see me or when you smile at me with your one dimple.

** your laugh is infectious. but getting you to laugh is a somewhat difficult task.

** you like to wake up early, like your pappa.

** when you do nap, which is getting more regular, you like long naps like your momma.

** you are constant motion.

** you like books, music and rides in your fancy stroller.

** you continue to bring us such joy.

** i love watching you discover the world around you.

** i love being your momma more than anything in this world.

happy 5 months bean!

until next month.....

xo
mom

just when i thought.....

we had figured out bean's digestive issues, the wheels of the bus fall off.

yesterday was probably the hardest day of motherhood. we are talking hard here. bean screamed. bean hurt. bean had gas. bean cried. bean spit up. bean did not sleep. bean screamed. bean arched his back. bean hurt. bean's mom is tired and beat up.

thankfully, i am at my parents and have four extra hands to help with the screaming bean.

we have come to the conclusion that bean has acid reflux, which is no surprise because ph lives on pepcid, so bean comes by it naturally. i talked to my pediatrician yesterday and they told me to give him gaviscon, which is like mylanta. oh mylanta, why didnt you help the bean feel better?. it didn't really help much. so after i conversation with my cousin, who is a smart neonatal nurse and has experience with gassy, cranky, fussy babies, we started him on a regime of previcid this morning. we will see if this helps. it could take a few days.

gosh i hope it helps. it is so hard to see him in so much pain. i feel so helpless. i just want his little tummy to feel better. soon.