they do exist

this morning we met
some friends at the zoo.
our zoo is small
and there are not a ton of animals.
but we do have a zoo,
so i will not complain.

it is not uncommon
to go to the zoo
and not really see
any animals.

we have these
two polar bears.
i have NEVER seen them.
until today.
i was beginning to think
that they were a monetary scam
to get  people to visit the zoo.

today was a stellar
day at the zoo.
we not only saw the polar bears
but we saw the tiger,
and the mountain lion.

we witnessed the penguins
and the sea lions
eating breakfast.
the watched the wolves pace
and the hyenas lounge.

it was epic.

but the highlight
of the day was
when hayden forgot
my name ( which happens, lucinda is hard for little ones)
and called me lewis.

i still giggle thinking about it.

puddles

21 memos from your child

i saw this on jora of domestic reflections blog yesterday and it moved me. i felt the need to share, mainly as a reminder to myself, but it is really powerful.


enjoy

21 Memos From Your Child

1. Don’t spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not have all I ask for. 
I am only testing you. 

2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. 
I prefer it, it makes me feel secure. 

3. Don’t let me form bad habits. 
I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages. 

4. Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. 
It only makes me behave stupidly “big”. 

5. Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. 
I’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private. 

6. Don’t make me feel all of my mistakes are sins. 
It upsets my sense of values. 

7. Don’t protect me from consequences. 
I need to learn the painful way, sometimes. 

8. Don’t be upset when I say “I hate you”. 
It isn’t you I hate, but your power to thwart me. 

9. Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments. 
Sometimes they get me the attention I need. 

10. Don’t nag. 
If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf. 

11. Don’t forget that I can’t explain myself as well as I should like.
 This is why I’m not always very accurate.

12. Don’t make rash promises. 
Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken. 

13. Don’t tax my honesty too much. 
I am easily frightened into telling lies. 

14. Don’t be inconsistent. 
That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you. 

15. Don’t tell me my fears are silly. 
They are terribly real to me and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand. 

16. Don’t put me off when I ask questions. 
If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere. 

17. Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. 
It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither. 

18. Don’t ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. 
An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you. 

19. Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up. 
It must be very difficult to keep pace with me, but please try. 

20. Don’t forget I love experimenting. 
I couldn’t do without it, so please be patient with it.

21. Don’t forget that I can’t thrive without lots of understanding and unconditional love,
 but I don’t need to tell you that, do I? 

original author unknown

do you have it?

my mom taught us how to write thank you notes.
she made us to eat with our elbows off the table.
to say please and thank you, yes ma'am and no ma'am.
to be polite and do the right thing.

she provided us with home-training.
that is what we call it on our house.
if you were not taught these things
well, you have no home-training.
and yes we talk about this very openly in our family.

today,  i took chace to a local rec center for open gym.
he loves it. he can run around and interact with other kids.
but these types of activities are an interesting study in human behavior,
more specifically parenting.
and home training.

as i was observing the chaos around us.
it was very evident which children
were going to have home training and which ones were not.

the child who kept screaming while slamming the riding motorcycle
on the ground while his father looked on.
no home training.
the little girl who shared her ball with chace.
home training.
the little boy who drove his motorcycle into chace
and then looked at me like chace did something wrong.
no home training.
the little girl who accidentally kicked chace but then apologized.
home training.

i could go on and on and on.
what amazes me is that children are just like their parents.
it is so obvious to recognize, even at such an early age.
so not only do i know who is going to have home training,
but i know which adults had no home training when they were young.

this is an aspect of parenting that is inevitable
i just did not think it be so soon.
and based on our outing today
i think we need more home training in the world.

just sayin.....

my how we have grown

last night, i was rereading some posts from last year.
oh my how things have changed.
i was laughing so hard i was crying.
if you need a good laugh,
read this post.
and the one before
and the one after.

after i wiped the tears from my eyes
and stopped laughing.
i asked ph if i had lost my
blogging mojo.
i am not funny anymore.
i don't have funny stories.

i began obsessing and over thinking
because, well that is what i do.
i obsess.
so obsess is what i did for
most of the night and most of the day.

then i had a thought.
its not that i am not funny.
or funny things dont happen.
its just that we have settled into life.
life as a parent.
life as a family.
and that is a very good thing.

i am still neurotic,
driven, obsessive.
the things i worried about last year
are not concerns this year.
this is how life progresses.

these days
i follow chace around the house
making sure he remembers
to go down the stairs feet first.
telling him that we do not
play in the toilet bowl.
reminding him that he could drown
in the dog's water bowl.

we spend the mornings
taking socks out of bins
and putting them back.
we smell the people.
we play with puzzles,
read books and practice our colors.

most afternoons
we climb the stairs,
play with the tupperware,
and have at least one meltdown.
the falling on the floor, kicking our feet
and biting the carpet kind of meltdown.

i laugh hysterically.
chace decides its not worth
getting carpet burn over
and joins in the laughter.

this is how we spend our days.
i am sure once chace starts talking.
i will become funny again.
have funny stories to share.

but for now.
i will take comfort in our growth.

show me your nose..

i asked chace to show me his nose
he stuck out his tongue
i captured it on photo booth
i guess we have some work to do.....

1st birthday party

tomorrow chace turns 1
but yesterday was his party.

sheep in the jeep was the theme
complete with cotton ball garland
sheep food ( animal crackers and goldfish)
party favors
cupcakes
smash cake
favorite books
2 professional photographers
red balloons
sheep cutout cookies
party favors ( sheep in the jeep shirts and handmade sheep)
family
friends
and
a little boy who soaked it all in.

more to come......

small percentages

i am not going to lie.....
it has been a rough week.
chace is sick.
really sick.

he went from a throw up bug.
(today is the first day
he has not thrown up
in 6 days).
to the croup.

thursday evening
3 hours after he went to bed.
he woke up with
this barky cough.

a sound i recognized
as the croup.
i knew this sound
only because my
youngest brother
always had the croup
when he was young.

we went to the dr yesterday
and she confirmed
what i knew.

so today i have been
wiping yellow snot rockets
rather than stinky throw up.

i am still standing.
but not without some tears.
it is hard to watch your
sick baby and not be able to do anything.
he seems so helpless and sad.
it makes my heart ache.

i just want him to return
to his happy, funny self.
so i can stop worrying.

you see, one of the residual
side effects of losing your child
is that you think that it is going to
happen again.

cooper's surgeon had a 98% success rate.
we were the small percentage.
i think that i am always
going to live in the land of
small percentages.

now, intellectually
i know that chace is going to be fine.

but it is in the dark of night
when i am holding him
trying to coax him back to sleep
when fear replaces rational thought.
when emotion takes over
and the tears fall.

i suppose it will get easier with time.
this is the first time in almost a year
that chace has been sick.
believe me,
it is not a side effect i enjoy.
but it is a part of life as i know it nonetheless.

so here is to hoping
for a night without fear, worry or tears.
and a few less snot rockets to wipe.

currently

currently, on newberry ln
ph and i are listening,
watching and waiting.

waiting for the
sound of our sick baby.
poor bean has thrown up
5 times since he went to bed.

currently, we are on
our second load of laundry
this evening.

sheets, onesies, sleep sack,s
blankets and duckies have been washed
and dried.

oh, how i wish i hadn't
returned all those
sheets after my baby shower.

oh. how i wish i had more
than two crib sheets.
and three sleep sacks.
and 1 duckie.

oh, how we need one more duckie.

currently, we are hoping
that the throw up has subsided
and that there will be sleep
on newberry ln tonight.

chace is so tired.
he will feel much better
with sleep.


and so will his parents.

keeping track

since the day chace was born
i have kept track of everything.
i mean everything.

poop diapers, wet diapers,
length of sleep,
number of naps,
how much he ate,
and what he ate.

i kept it all in my iphone.
in an app
called total baby.

it was my way of asserting
control.
control that does not exist
when you have a newborn.

i always dreamt
that i forgot to feed chace.
this was my way my making sure
i did not forget.

self validation of my
parenting skills.

during our time in santa fe
i stopped keeping track.

and guess what?
i did no forget to feed him
or change a dirty diaper.

i am not sure why i stopped keeping track.
maybe i feel more in control as a parent.
i know, however, that this is
a fleeting feeling
that will not last.

 eventually, i will be keeping track again.
of homework, play dates and sports practices.

but it feels good to not
be keeping track
at this moment.

sleepless nights

we have returned to sleepless nights here on newberry lane and it is painful. it started while we were away over the holidays. ph and i were sharing a room with chace, so i do not know if it was being in the same room, in a strange bed or having an ear infection that started the cycle. perhaps it was all three, but in an attempt to allow some of the house sleep we did whatever we could to get him back asleep. my thinking was that it would sort itself out when we got home. we rocked, we slept holding him, we fed him, whatever it took to encourage sleep.

well, we are home and i am here to tell you it has not sorted itself out. it is better, but we are still up at least once a night. doing what? eating of course. i know that "they" say not to feed once your child can sleep through the night. BUT my kid doesn't eat if he is not hungry, and he is scarfing down his bottle. so he must be hungry. i don't have the heart to let him cry it out at 2 am. how can i leave the room when he is sitting in bed, reaching for me through tears and snot, saying "mama, mama, mama" over and over. if i feed him he eats, goes back to bed and sleeps until 7:30 or 8.

it will work itself out, in time and i am sure that he will return to sleeping through the night, only to have that cycle disrupted by a new tooth. i know that this too will pass, but it sure is rough on the parents.

dear delta

dear delta,

while i do not belong to your platinum elite flying club
i do consider myself a frequent flier and
i fly delta whenever possible.
and in an industry full of choices,
i repeatedly choose to fly delta airlines.

but after my travel experience yesterday
i am beginning to rethink my decision.
i understand that the holidays are a busy time for travel.
but this is not a surprise to anyone.
you know this, so why weren't you better prepared.

my husband, 10 month old son and i
arrived at the airport two hours before our flight.
i had checked in online the night before,
paid for our baggage and printed our tickets.

when we arrived at the airport at 5:30 am
there was a line at the delta counter.
not a big deal, except upon further inspection
it was 3 lines funneling into one line.
there was one agent working the ticket counter
who had no idea what was going on.
it was clear that there was no order,
no system and no organization.

we stood in line for 30 minutes without moving.
i finally made my way to the counter
and asked  what individuals were supposed to do
if they simply needed bag tags.
she told me to use the kiosk
and then she would call my name.
i followed her instructions and
finally we were able to checks our bags.

when i made our reservations
our flight from Atlanta to Albuquerque was full
and i could not get seats together.
i did not think this was a big deal.
but i called an agent to double check
and to request the bulkhead.
you see we chose to buy our 10 month old a ticket
and the car seat fits better in the bulkhead.

when we arrived in Atlanta
the gate agent told me that there was not
anything she could do to sit us together.
i told her that she could not let a 10 month old sit alone.
i also mentioned that we had requested the bulkhead.
she replied that this was for handicapped and she could not seat us there.
we did eventually get two seats together, and my husband changed seats with
someone so we all sat together.

but when we boarded the plane
i noticed that there were three young members of our
military sitting in the bulkhead.
clearly not handicapped.
when i asked the flight attendant about the bulk head policy
she told me that it was not for handicapped or children.

this is the second time this has happened to us with the bulkhead.
the first was on a flight to Europe.
we are told by reservation agents to request ahead of time.
and that the gate agents will release them before the flight.
then we are told by the gate agent that they are for the handicapped.
and then told something else entirely by the flight attendant.

as someone who travels to Europe once a year with a child
as well as domestically i would like some clarification.
or else i will have to rethink my decision to repeatedly choose
to fly delta airlines.

happy holidays
lucinda

chace meets santa

last weekend, ph's uncle called to see if he and his wife could stop by to see chace before we left. we are missing the extended family gathering, so we did not think much of the request. after some back and forth decided to have them over tuesday night for dinner.  little did we know that santa was going to show up at our door.

as you can see chace was not the least bit afraid of santa, but then again have santa ALL to yourself helps.

heavy heart

i was going to tell you about the show today, give you a sneak peak. but there is something more pressing. the sneak peak can wait.
 __________________________________________________________________________________

dr and mrs j,

i don't really know you.
we have met once.
but i know about you
through my parents.

i know your pain.
how your heart
is broken into a million pieces.

i know the feeling
of not being able to breathe
because the pain
is too much to bear.

you wonder how you go on,
how you put one foot in
front of the other.

you wonder if your heart
will ever mend.
if life will ever be the same.

you think for a brief moment
that it would be easier
if you could go in a hole
and never come out.

that there is no way that
you can continue to live
with this pain,
this broken heart.

i know all of this.

but i am here to tell you.
that you while your heart
will never be the same.
you will find joy again.

you never get over
losing your child.
it leaves a hole
in your heart
that is incapable of closing.

but it will mend.

people will say
the most awful things,
because they don't know
what to say.
you are living
their worst nightmare.

but you will continue
to live.

grief comes in waves.
at inconvenient times,
in the most public places.
and when you think you
can not take it anymore
you will be able to breathe.

and you will find peace.

the road ahead of you
is not easy.
it is difficult and it is long.
and i am pretty sure
it lasts a lifetime.

but with the support
of family and friends
and most importantly
each other
your heart can mend.

i am so sorry
you are on this journey.
my heart aches for you.
i am here if you need
anything.

and i know that my cooper
has found your son
and that they are watching over
our families.

sending you love and peace

xoxo

they thought they knew....

when my parents found out that they were going to be grandparents, they were excited, but they did not think that it would be life changing. my parents have a great life, they live in a beautiful part of the country, they travel alot, sometimes for months at a time, they can do what they want when they want. and they like that. i can remember my mom saying that they were excited about having a grandchild, but they were still going to live their life, their world was not going to revolve around my child, and they were just fine living some 2000 miles away from said child. boy were they wrong!

my parents are absolutely over the moon. they think chace is the best thing since sliced bread! they felt the same way about cooper, and i think that his loss affects how they see chace, as well. they love him more, cherish him more, spoil him more, because cooper's loss hurt them deeply, in ways that i hope i will never experience. they grieved for their grandchild, but they also had to watch their first born hurt, something no parent wants to see.

they want to be where chace is, they want to know what he is doing, every little detail is important. my dad shows his patients pictures of chace on his iphone and lights up in a way i have never seen at the very mention of "the boy." i don't think that my parents loved me or my my brothers less, but the love they have for chace is more "pure."with grandchildren there are no expectations, no disappointments, no wondering if you made the right parenting decision, or if  they are going to need years of therapy. it is unconditional love in the purest sense.

now that my parents have been proven wrong about life as a grandparent. they are on a quest to get us to move to santa fe. there are some appealing aspects to this proposition: sun, blue skies, warmer winters, the mountains, skiing, lots of opportunities for ph to make money and the food, but there are some downsides. and there is an inordinate amount of financial risk. we do talk about it, but i think it is only talk.

but then again, i said this to ph as he was getting out of bed this morning ( i was sound asleep), " call me if you go to santa fe."

i wonder what that means....

photo professional

i have a nikon.

i try to take pictures.

athena also has a nikon.

it is fancier than mine.

she takes much better pictures than i do.

because she is a "professional."

i let her document the weekend.

these are my favorites.

wont you please

go vote for tommy and charlie's mom, alli.

her blog, the adventures of bean and goobs is a finalist in the 2010 Scholastic Parent & Child magazine Parent Blogger Awards. there are three finalists in six different categories and her blog was of the the few selected by the editors from over 100 blogs. i am so darn proud of her! and if you dont read her blog, you should it will make you laugh out loud.

beginning today, visitors to their website will get to vote one time for their favorite parent blog in each category. the six bloggers receiving the most votes will be featured in the August/September 2010 issue of Scholastic Parent & Child Magazine.

you can use the link below to vote

http://www.scholastic.com/parents/blogawards/

chace with a c

naming a child is a daunting task. there are all kinds of things to consider. can the name be shortened? can you live with said shortened name? will people ask what were his parents thinking? is it too common? does it remind you of your college roommate (ehmm, ph)? will your child declare at age 18 that now that they are legally an adult, they want to legally change their name? picking out the perfect name is a pressure filled endeavor.

i loved cooper's name. everything about it. it was the perfect combination. it was strong and not too hip. it couldn't be shortened. it was a great hockey name. it gave a nod to my texas roots. it was perfect. so when we began thinking about names for the bean, i was well, skeptical. how were we going to pick the perfect name again?

this time around i bought a name book. i went through it page by page and put little check marks by the names i liked. one night ph and i were lying on our bed and started talking about names. i read the names i liked. he did not like one name, not a one. feeling a little deflated, i asked him what names he liked. guess what? i didn't like any of his choices. we seemed to be at an impasse. then he said "jayce". nope i said, but i like chace. we both looked at each other and knew that we were on to something. but i knew i needed to ask ash if i could use that name. you see her last name is chase and she always said if she had a boy that was what she was going to name him. she is my childhood bff, i had to get her permission. once permission was granted, we knew we had the name. now we had to get the spelling. we wanted bean's name to be different, so we played around with the spelling. in addition, i bank at chase and wanted it spelled differently, nothing against my bank, just a personal quirk. we settled on chace with a c.

the rest of his name was easy. the middle name was going to be wallace, regardless if we had a boy or a girl. it is my maternal grandmother's maiden name and was important for me to honor her. turns out there is a wallace on fathers side of the family and in ph's as well, so we have our bases covered. and we all know how i feel about my last name, so it was a given that bean would have mine and ph's last name. however, he will go by chace gerenski in school, too many bubbles to fill out and he will be at the beginning of the alphabetical line.

so that is how the bean got his name and why it is chace with a c, in case you were wondering.

dear chace

dear sweet chace,

today marks your 8th week of life. i can not believe how quickly the time passes. your dad and i continue to settle into our new role of parenthood. each day presents something new and we are learning to adjust to whatever you seem to throw at us.

you are growing like crazy. you have your 2 month check up at the doctor tomorrow and we are eager to see just how much you have grown. your head and neck are getting stronger, you are more alert and are talking to us. it is very clear that you have your daddy's eyelashes. i swear they grow by the hour. it remains to be seen what color your eyes will be. you are a very serious baby, you come by it naturally, i suppose. but lately you have started to smile at us, which melts my heart into puddle. there is nothing sweeter than seeing you smile at me.

you are sleeping very well at night and for that we grateful. however, during the day you seem to like one long nap in the afternoon. i cant say that i blame you. there is no catnapping for you. when you nap, you make sure it is a long one. you are a little bit fussy. i am understating this a bit. i was very cranky as a baby and every one likes to remind me of that fact. so i guess this is payback for me. i think that your fussiness is to teach me to ask others for help (this is a very difficult task for me).

now that the weather is getting nicer we have been walking. you like to be in the stroller and it helps me lose my baby weight. you have been on several stroller dates with riley and have spent time with tommy and charlie. we have an all boy playgroup already established. you have also spent time with your cousin andrew. he has been very nice about sharing his toys with you, although you didn't really want them just yet. you will be getting a new baby cousin in a few weeks, another boy.

you are one of my greatest creations, your brother being the other one. i look forward to what you will show us each day and i love you more with each passing day.

loving you always

mom

7 weeks