shift in perspective

one of the hardest
aspects of cooper's death
for me to wrap my head around
is the fact that we were not there.

ph and i had stepped
out to get coffee
after checking in on cooper,
seeing the surgeon,
and getting the update
from his nurse.

everything was great.
i remember crying and
the surgeon said to me
"dont cry, he did great."

after some encouragement
we ventured down to get
coffee and make phone calls.
we were not gone long.

when we walked back onto
the floor, i noticed a team of people
around cooper's bed.
i said something to ph.
my brain had not caught up
with what my eyes were seeing.

ph saw them administering cpr.
they asked us to wait outside.
it was then that i realized
our road was going to get really bumpy
and later the road would cave in all together.

my brain will never forget
the sequence of events as they unfolded.
but my perspective is shifting with time.

i have always felt so guilty
that we were not there
when his heart stopped.

i wonder if he knew
what was happening.
did he feel alone?
was he scared?

intellectually, i know that
he was heavily medicated
and did not suffer.
but the heart of mother
can play tricks on the mind.

the lesson in yoga the other
night was about the road.
our own personal journey
and how as humans we sometimes
think we are on the wrong path, but
it is really the right one for us.

this changed my perspective.
things unfolded as they were destined
to unfold, as hard as that is for me to admit.
us, not being in the room
when cooper's heart stopped was a gift.

we did not have to hear the alarms
we did not have to see the heart monitor go flat.
we did not have to see or hear the stress on the team's voices.
we saw enough when we walked back in.
we have enough images and details of that day to last a lifetime.

my shift in how i view that detail of december 18th 2008
does not make my heart hurt less.
it does not make me love cooper any less.
it simply allows me to accept  i was exactly
where i needed to be.

sun salutations, sweat and tears

thursday night i attended
a new to yoga class.
it is a three week class
for those who are brand new to yoga.

i was nervous
intimidated
and a little skeptical
about the idea of practicing yoga.

i told myself
it would be good for me.
it would help my back.
and give me some "me" time.

it was less awkward
than i thought it would be
the teacher was great
and i cant wait to go back next week.

the only real hiccup
was that i cried.
yes, i said i cried.

it was the end of class
and erica was taking us through
the meditation part of yoga.
i dont know what it was
but the tears started.

i tried to keep it in check
so that people would not
know i was crying and think
i was a total nut case.

but i am pretty sure
that erica noticed
the tears.

later that evening
i fell apart at the seams.
i was a mess.

i missed cooper.
my heart hurt.
i was sad.
i was angry.

the thing is,
my heart is scarred forever.
i do not have time
to think about what happened.
cooper's death does not
consume my every thought,
like it used to.

but it is still there.
it will always be there.
and sometimes it becomes too big
for the box that i keep it in
and the emotions overflow.

thursday night
i was still enough
to hear the box rattling,
for the emotions to break free,
and the tears roll.

i think that the mental practice
of yoga will be
just as important as the physical practice.
i need to learn to be still
without coming completely unglued.

playground

on some level
i knew it would happen.
it was inevitable.
but i was unprepared
to hear a mother say
to her son
"dont climb up the slide, cooper."

i took a deep breath.
i did a double take.
and my heart broke, again.

do you wonder?

i can not believe that
two years ago today
we had our sweet cooper's memorial service.

yesterday, ph, chace and i spent
the morning at the arboretum
walking around, reflecting and tending to his garden.

the trees look much different
without all the handmade birds
full of love and hope and healing.

birds made by strangers
who wanted to help
heal the heart of a grieving mama

and bring comfort to little hearts
which need mending
and the families who love them so.

the children's hospital continues
to give cooper birds to each family
the day of their child's heart surgery.

they do not know who made the birds
they do not know our story
what they do know
is that someone is thinking of them
and their child during a most difficult time.

i still have a box of about 100 birds
in my basement.
we will continue to give out birds
until the box is empty.

i am not sure what
will happen after that.
perhaps i will make a plea
for more birds.

i will cross that bridge
when we get there.
for now i am just remembering
our sweet cooper, his short life
and all those birds in the trees.

today

today was hard.
i am pretty sure that this day
will always be hard.
time does not make it
easier or better or less painful.

the images of that day
have not dulled with time.
i can remember the details
and i wish they would fade
just a little.

the way he felt
and looked
and smelled.
it is all there in my mind.
i can go back there in an instant.

today we went to his garden.
as a family.
even the dogs.
we needed to be there
to remember.
to feel
to love.

the only thing you
could see
was his plaque poking
out through the snow.
making his absence
known to all.

today was hard.
it will always be hard.
but i will always make
it through the day.
it is what he would want.

i miss you cooper.
and
i love you forever
and
ever
and
always.

cooper's hawk

this is cooper now.
in the afterlife.

i never knew how
i felt about life after death.
or if i believed that your
spirit lives on in some other form.
until cooper.

i am believer.
now.
because of him.

cooper's form
is a cooper's hawk.

i know it is my cooper
because he appears when
we need to see him.
when we need a sign
that he is ok.
that he is close.
that he is with us.

he always knows when to stop by...

he made an appearance
the day chace was born.
on thanksgiving.
the other day when i was sewing.
and today after the first snow.

ph is the one that usually sees him.
but recently he has been coming by
to see me.
i can not tell you how happy this makes me.

today, he came by
to see his little brother
and let ph take a picture.

isn't he spectacular?

thankful

even though cooper's birthday is still two days away, he is very much on my heart and mind. since he was born on thanksgiving, i tend to associate the day with his birth more so than the date on the calendar. it is grey and cold here, much like how i feel. i dont know how to explain the emotions associated with thanksgiving. it is happiness and sadness rolled into one big bundle of emotion.

but instead of telling you much my heart aches for cooper, how i can recall every detail of the day he was born and all that came after, or how the hole in my heart is still there, or how it makes me angry that people act like today is just a "normal" thanksgiving day now that we have chace, i am going to tell you what i am thankful for.....

** precious husband. he is my rock, my sanity and my heart.

** chace. he is the redemption and grace after the heartache. he is why i get out of bed each morning.

** cooper. he taught me how to love, to really love. i miss every minute of every day.

** friends old and new that i have met on this journey. you give me strength.

** this blog. it is a place where i make sense of the ramblings in my head.

**family. it is everything.

**fabric and yarn. it keeps me sane and obsessed at the same time.

** wine. at the end of the day i just need a glass of wine.

what are you thankful for?

storm clouds

they are slowly building.
getting bigger
and heavier.
weighing on my chest.
causing my heart to ache.

the only release i know
is to give in to the pain.
to feel it.
to cry.
to mourn.

it doesn't get easier.
time does not heal.

i suppose
this will happen
every year.
wanting to get from
now till christmas.

because that means
i will have made it
through
his birthday
and the anniversary
of his death.

i used to love
the time between
thanksgiving
and
christmas.
now i dread it.

those around me
make thanksgiving plans.
i want no part of it.
i want to be in my house
with ph, and chace
together as a family.

not putting on a brave face
as if it never happened.
as if the pain as gone.
as if life is normal.

there is happiness.
there is laughter.
there is love.
there is chace.

but my heart
is still broken.
and the storm clouds
are building.

i think...

... i want to write a book. let me explain.

in those days, weeks and months after cooper died people sent me books. people who cared about me and thought that a book on grief would help. it was a nice gesture. and i did look at the books, and even attempted to read many of them. but i just couldn't. they were not what i needed. what i needed, besides the obvious, was someone's real life account of loss, not loss of a parent, sibling or spouse, but loss of a child. not a miscarriage.  a child. while a miscarriage is a loss, it is a different loss than losing a child who was born, who breathed and who lived with you.  i needed that book to not only be about the loss, but it needed some redemptive quality. a glimmer of hope that i would survive the chasm in my heart and find happiness again. that was the kind of book i needed and i could not find it.  i have mentioned my desire to write a book to a few close  tribe members, but have kept it to myself. now i am putting it out there.

why? because i have heard too many stories lately, one only yesterday, about people losing babies. i want them to know they are not alone, that despite having their world crumble around them that they will survive, they will have happiness and they will love another child again. so many people want to make their loved ones "ok" after a loss. perhaps it is our societal stigma or discomfort surrounding death. people struggle with the right thing to say, and say the wrong thing.  i could never fault people for wanting me to be ok after cooper died. but the reality is that what happened, losing him, was not ok. no one could make it ok. almost two years later, it is still not ok. but i am ok. and more than that, i am ok with his death not being ok. this was hard for me to wrap my mind around and even harder for those have not walked in my shoes. however, my ability to own the fact that his death was not ok, allowed my heart to mend, gave me the ability to find happiness and see the many gifts that my cooper gives me every single day. the biggest one being his little brother chace.

while my way of dealing with my loss is not the only way to do so, nor i have i always been graceful about it. i do work hard and have done hard work, sometimes impossible work since that day in december that forever changed my life. and every day i make a conscience choice to live my life in a way that honors cooper. there are still nights that i cry myself to sleep or want to go down the drain with the bath water, but i choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other each every morning and will continue to do so until the day that i die. and this is what i want people to know.

am i utterly crazy?

anticpation.

tomorrow evening, 6:50 to be precise
athena and stella arrive in rochester.
they will be staying at our house
for four whole days.

to say that i am excited is an understatement.
i am beyond excited,
over the moon
giddy with anticipation.

but i am also a little nervous.
we have never met.
we talk every day,
thanks to technology.

but i do not know the
sound of her voice
or the sound of her laugh.

i know that she drinks coffee
black.
and pinot.
but what does she drink in between?

is she a morning person?
a night owl?
will she think i am boring?
or too regimented with my schedule?
will she hate our house?

i wonder if we will cry
or laugh
or hug
when we greet each other at the airport.

there is a lot we don't know
about each other.
but in the big picture those
things don't matter.

who we were when we were 13,
doesn't matter
what matters,
is who we are now.

my sweet precious cooper
brought us together.
it is because of him
that our children will know
each other.

she is part of my tribe.
the people who helped
mend my broken heart
after cooper died.

the people who help me
navigate parenthood.
who laugh with me
when there is nothing else to do.

the people who i want
to have a presence in
chace's life.
to help shape the
person he becomes.

i know this weekend
is only the beginning
of a friendship
that will span
miles and years.

and i can not wait to
see where the journey takes
us!

far far away

this is the beginning of a new quilt
using heather ross' far far away 2 fabric.
i love it.

i love it because athena and i
are having a quilting bee
between the two of us.

the basic idea is that we each make two blocks
keep one and send the other.
at the end will have enough blocks
to have the exact same quilt.

well, the same components.
i am sure we will lay them out differently
and use different colors for the sashing.
or maybe we wont.

we are also writing a little diddy
about why we chose each block.
this one is called southern belle.

we are calling the quilt
the friendship quilt.
athena is my gift from cooper.
and i thank him every day
for sending her my way.

though we live far far away
from each other.
and have never met.
i feel like i have known
her my whole life.
i can not wait until her
visit to NY in the fall.


stay tuned.
this quilt is going
to be AMAZING.

yellow finch

today i saw cooper.
while i was sitting in the dentist chair.
he was outside at the bird feeder.
strategically placed in the patient's eye sight.
he was in the form of a yellow finch.
he looked like the bird recently tattooed on my wrist.

he came to me for two reasons.
one to calm my anxiety about being at the dentist.
two to tell me that the bean was just fine
at home with his uncle luke.

my brother was staying with the bean
while i went to the dentist.
bean was asleep when i left,
but i knew he would not stay asleep.
i did not want to seem nervous
about leaving him.
but i was, a little.

seeing cooper calmed me down.
i survived my cleaning.
was given a cavity free report.
uncle luke and bean did just fine.
uncle luke even changed a
poopy diaper.

i love how cooper
knows exactly when
his mama needs to see him.
its an amazing gift
he continues to give me.

catharsis

today i got new ink.

ink for my sweet precious cooper.
ink to honor.
ink to remember.
ink to heal.

it is permanent.
just like his absence.
it hurts.
just like my heart.
it is swollen.
just like my eyes after shedding tears.
it has been a long time coming.
just like my healing.


it is a reminder.
that he is always with me.
that he gave me so much.
that i am lucky to have known him

and it is cathartic.

thankful

cooper has been on my mind lately.

it feels different. its not this gut wrenching ache. not an earth shattering chasm in my soul. nor is it a sadness that just wont dissipate. its a new feeling. a feeling of immense gratitude and thanks. sure i miss him and will always wonder why we had to feel such pain, carry such a burden and cry so many tears. i will always wonder what might have been, who he would have been and how he would have left his mark.

lately, when i think about cooper throughout my day, i think of the many gifts he has given me: new friends. old friends. a deeper appreciation of family. an opportunity to help others through coopers flock. the opportunity to give the gift of sight to two children who might never have seen the sun rise or set. a stronger connection with my husband. an understanding of what it means to live in the moment. the knowledge that i am a survivor and have strength i never knew i possessed. i see birds in a new way. the understanding that connections exist after life, i feel his presence daily. and sweet chace who i fall more in love with each day.

cooper gave me so much. my life is fuller because him. i am a better friend, spouse, mother and daughter thanks to him. in many ways i know exactly who he was and how he left his mark, all i have to do is look at the gifts he has given me.

brothers

the relationship between brother and sister is different than the relationship between two brothers. at its core the relationship between two brothers is a very simple bond, but upon further investigation it is quite complicated and full of contradictions. brothers have a loyalty to one another that is like no other, but at the same time are in an unspoken competition, each one having a set of strengths different from the other. they can be each others harshest critic, and will be the first one to set the record straight if someone else speaks negative words. they are best friends and enemies all at the same time. and when it comes right down to it, no one has your back like your brother.

i will never get the opportunity to see the relationship grow and develop between cooper and chace. and to be honest, had cooper not died, there would not have been a little brother at all. but that does not prevent me from wondering how they would have interacted or what we will tell chace about his older brother. i think it is important that he know about cooper, cooper's birth and death forever changed our family. i am certain that just as ph and i have a relationship with cooper even after death, chace will find a connection of his own to the brother he never knew.

and while i will never see them both physically together, i was able to see them in one place, in one moment of time during chace's photo shoot. seeing chace sleeping so peacefully holding the cooper bird was a moment i simply can not put into words, but i do know this, in that moment i saw both of my boys, connected to each other through the bond of brotherhood and that brought me some much needed peace.

in bloom

this afternoon we took a drive out to cooper's garden to check on the daffodils. they are doing wonderful and were such a welcome sight!

bean moments

i am

TIRED..... and i am not talking about the kind of tired that comes from lack of sleep.

i am emotionally exhausted. i am spent, the tank is on empty.

i am tired of grieving and mourning cooper. i am ready to be done. ready to put it on a shelf. save it for a rainy day or when i want to deal with those emotions. i remember when R looked at me and said that year 2 is often harder for parents than year 1. i thought he was crazy. well, he may have a point.

i have been missing cooper lately and let me tell you, it is a delicate dance i do between mourning him and being excited over chace. a constant ebb and flow of emotions, of wear and tear on my heart. you see while chace has helped to mend my heart, to give me purpose and make us a family, the scar on my heart has reopened. chace looks so much like cooper, that his death is tangible once again, not some series of events recorded in my head. i am constantly reminded of what i lost. and with that reminder comes a fear that i will be forced to endure another loss. its easy for my mind to go there, because i know what that road is like, fortunately i have the ability to stop myself. but this is hard, especially when you are sleep deprived.

the perception i have is that people (family, friends and acquaintances) think that i am better, now that chace is here. that i have somehow moved on from losing cooper. this does not happen. losing a child is not something one gets over, like a cold. someone asked my mom about us having another child. my mom replied, that she didn't think we would have any more. and the response was i never thought of lucinda only having one child. if i had been a part of that conversation, i would have reminded them that i have two children, one of them is no longer alive, but i have two. i know i cant worry about other people and what they think, but i want those who know me, friends and family alike, to acknowledge that i am still grieving, that my heart still hurts, that i miss cooper terribly and to be patient with me. and don't be offended if i don't let you hold chace, i still feel very protective of my little bean.

yes, i am over the moon about chace. he is perfect. i love him more that i can express. there is not a baby who is more loved or wanted then him. no, i will not be in this emotional place forever. it is part of the healing journey, part of the process and i need to work through it.

22 days

today, the bean is 22 days old.

while this is not a remarkable age in terms of newborns, it is a significant number and milestone for me. chace has now lived longer than this brother and i am breathing a sigh of relief. as we move forward on this adventure called parenthood, everything we experience will be new and unique to chace. we can no longer compare our experiences with chace to those we had with cooper.

and this feels good. i feel like a weight has been lifted, both for me and for the bean. he is no longer living in the shadow of his older brother. he still looks like cooper in a lot of ways, but as he grows he will continue to develop into his own person.

nothing could make me happier than to see who becomes.

familiar yet different

i have been trying to gather my thoughts for this post for the last couple of days. i am not sure if they are crystal clear, but i needed to get them out of my head.

so here we go.

i was unprepared for the emotional roller coaster than accompanies having a baby. when you couple those emotions with what we experienced over the last year, well you have the makings of an emotional train wreck. i know, hormones can bring on the tears like lake ontario can bring on the snow, that what i am feeling is normal. but it makes me feel like i am losing my mind.

i dont remember being this emotional with cooper. i was emotional, but i had a reason to be, my baby was facing open heart surgery. the bean is perfectly healthy. but yet i seem to cry for no real reason. dont get me wrong, i am over the moon about the bean. we are a family. i fall more in love with his sweet face, funny personality, little fingers and noises every day. but there are moments when my heart aches like it hasn't in a long time. there are times when i look at him, and all i see is cooper and i grieve for him all over again. or when i feel guilty for loving him as much as cooper, that somehow i am betraying my first born. oh, what a mother's heart can feel. i know that the bean is cooper's way of helping us heal and mend. that he knows how much i love him and that wont change. i also know that these emotions are part of my healing and journey. but it is harder than i imagined.

i remember being sore after my c-section with cooper, but not this slow to recover. then i remember that i have had my gut slashed open twice in the last 15 months, i should be sore.

i have come to the conclusion that i was in shock after cooper was born and functioned on adrenaline, therefore i don't remember emotions or pain. and that postpartum hormones really suck.