for the good of food

we like food.

not just any food.

good food.

pure food.

simple food.

complicated food.

food full of flavor.

ok, we like most foods

with the exception of processed foods.

i meticulously plan out

the meals each week

carefully balancing flavors,

proteins and produce.

i don't buy cookies,

chips or junk food.

part of it is because i will eat it

and the other part is i don't

want chace to eat this type of food.

we eat this way, not because it

makes us better parents

or individuals.

it is choice we have made

for ourselves and our family.

this being said, 

eating this way can be expensive.

the majority of our grocery bill

is spent on produce.

saturday at yoga, 

i saw a flier for a csa

called the good food collective.

this option makes sense to me.

we get fresh produce

for 4 months during the winter.

it will cut down on our grocery bill.

we are helping local farmers.

and we are consuming good, healthy pure food.

for me this is a no brainer.

now i have to convince ph.

a moment

the breath

when was the last time
you paid attention to your breath?
i am referring to the breath
that moves in and out of your body.
your life force.

i have always taken
breath for granted.
never paid much attention
to it, until i started taking yoga.

it is the center of yoga.
the movements and poses
follow the breath.
we pay attention to the air moving
in and out of or body through
the nose.

i have noticed that when
a pose becomes challenging
i stop breathing.
i wonder if i do that off of my mat?

i have a hard time
at the end of class
being still,
letting my mind rest.

it wanders
i make list
i think about blog topics
sewing projects.
i stop following my breath.

last night, i made the commitment
to really try to stay present
at the end of class
to not wander.

i was not sure how
i was going to accomplish this task.
but i was committed to trying.

i found myself, saying the names of my boys.
cooper on in inhale.
chace on the exhale.

they are my life force.
my reason for being.
by focusing on their names
with each breath i was able
to stay present, in the moment,
on my mat.
and my mind rested.

this got me thinking
how much more would
i experience if i paid more
attention to the breath during the course
of my day?

so i will ask again
when was the last time
you paid attention to
your breath?

a moment

a moment

he goes to scott miller

a moment

stillness

i have a hard time being still.
i fidget.
i knit.
i embroider.
and if i not doing those.
i squirm.

physical stillness is hard for me.
mental stillness is harder.
i have a to do list on my phone.
sewing lists on by sewing wall.
recipe lists in the kitchen.
and a million lists in my brain.

my mind is always moving.
it does not like to be still.
i have always been a type a personality.
but the discomfort that come with stillness
has increased since cooper died.

i guess it makes sense.
if i am too still
the thoughts creep in,
the images flash,
the sadness overtakes
and the tears flow.

i am going into my third week of yoga.
i have been going three times a week.
the physical aspect is hard.
but i like that, it makes me feel strong.
the sweat feels good.
like my body is crying big gigantic tears.

but the stillness is really hard for me.
especially at the end of class.
when we lie there in darkness.
being present.
being still
listening to the sound of our breath.

my mind wanders.
my toes twitch.
and my eyes open.
i am so relieved when that part is over.

i am hoping that this practice
will help me learn to not only tolerate
but welcome the stillness.
and that being still physically and mentally
will become a welcome state, rather than one of discomfort.

they do exist

this morning we met
some friends at the zoo.
our zoo is small
and there are not a ton of animals.
but we do have a zoo,
so i will not complain.

it is not uncommon
to go to the zoo
and not really see
any animals.

we have these
two polar bears.
i have NEVER seen them.
until today.
i was beginning to think
that they were a monetary scam
to get  people to visit the zoo.

today was a stellar
day at the zoo.
we not only saw the polar bears
but we saw the tiger,
and the mountain lion.

we witnessed the penguins
and the sea lions
eating breakfast.
the watched the wolves pace
and the hyenas lounge.

it was epic.

but the highlight
of the day was
when hayden forgot
my name ( which happens, lucinda is hard for little ones)
and called me lewis.

i still giggle thinking about it.

collector

what: a conversation
when: july 17, 2011
who: ph and luc

ph: why do you have all those grey rocks in the back seat of your car?

ph: there are some sticks and leaves in there too...

luc: ummm. they are chace's.

ph: huh?

luc: everywhere we go he collects things and puts them in the car. i figure it's better to leave it all in the car rather than bring it in the house.

ph: chuckles to himself. and then says your great aunt dede would be so proud. (aunt dede is my 90 something great aunt who is a geologist. growing up she used to give us rock collections for christmas).

luc: i just hope he doesn't ask for a pet rock.

a moment

blue

blueberries that chace and i picked this morning.

blueberry muffins with our fresh picked berries.

recipe from smitten kitchen

blue hydrangea in our back yard.

a moment

sun salutations, sweat and tears

thursday night i attended
a new to yoga class.
it is a three week class
for those who are brand new to yoga.

i was nervous
intimidated
and a little skeptical
about the idea of practicing yoga.

i told myself
it would be good for me.
it would help my back.
and give me some "me" time.

it was less awkward
than i thought it would be
the teacher was great
and i cant wait to go back next week.

the only real hiccup
was that i cried.
yes, i said i cried.

it was the end of class
and erica was taking us through
the meditation part of yoga.
i dont know what it was
but the tears started.

i tried to keep it in check
so that people would not
know i was crying and think
i was a total nut case.

but i am pretty sure
that erica noticed
the tears.

later that evening
i fell apart at the seams.
i was a mess.

i missed cooper.
my heart hurt.
i was sad.
i was angry.

the thing is,
my heart is scarred forever.
i do not have time
to think about what happened.
cooper's death does not
consume my every thought,
like it used to.

but it is still there.
it will always be there.
and sometimes it becomes too big
for the box that i keep it in
and the emotions overflow.

thursday night
i was still enough
to hear the box rattling,
for the emotions to break free,
and the tears roll.

i think that the mental practice
of yoga will be
just as important as the physical practice.
i need to learn to be still
without coming completely unglued.

a moment

it needs a name

our new addition arrived today
our 1997 ford ranger pickup.
as you can see chace
has taken a liking to it.

if you are lucky chace
it can be your first car.

the color is ....
well the title says green
but it is really aquamarine.

it needs a name.
i am at a loss.
maybe i need to drive it.
but ph says their is no power steering.
ouch.

so i am open
to suggestions
and if you come up with one i like.
a prize for you.

an update from santa fe

we are still in santa fe and
will be until wednesday.
here has what has been going
 on in our world.

chace is still not sleeping well.
both his ears were red and on
their way to infection.
antibiotics is our friend.

he has a new tooth.
i think more are on
their way.
the last time we were here, he got 4 new teeth.

mom and i have been sewing.
clothes.
well mom has been.
she is teaching me.

we are sewing on her
singer athena 2000 machine.
it is as old as i am .
there are no bells and whistles, but it sews great.

we have made chace
a pair of pants.
and are working
on a blouse for me.

i have been working on
the quilt that was set aside last fall.
i forgot how tedious the blocks are to make.

we have been spending time outside.
enjoying the sunshine.
the pond.
and the fish.

we are having a grand time.
but i miss ph,
my bed,
and the dogs.

sleep interuptus

most people don't realize
that the elevation in
santa fe is 6800 feet above sea level.

this altitude has been known
to reek havoc on visitors.
common side effects are

nausea,
shortness of breath,
headaches,
alcohol goes to your head quicker,
and for some
a hard time sleeping.

i have never had
a hard time sleeping,
probably because
this is home for me.

this has not been the
case for my son.
every time we visit santa fe
chace has a hard time sleeping at night.

and when mama is used
to her son sleeping
12 hours at night without interruption
this altitude side effect is rough.

or maybe it is the
fact that he is beginning to
get an ear infection.

west texas wind

growing up in west texas
there were a few things i could
always count on.

the flatness of the landscape.
amazing sunsets.
dust storms that turned the sky red.
tumble weeds, mesquite, and yucca plants.

and wind.
oh there was wind.
wind that would sandblast
your face, eliminating the need to exfoliate.

i suppose that was why the
application of hairspray is
so overused.

but it did not matter how much hairspray
you used, your hair still moved.
yes, mom, i hate to tell you,
your hair moved in the wind.

the last couple of days
we have had west texas wind
here in new york.
i am here to tell you

i DO NOT miss the wind.

dear jenna

dear jenna lyons (president and creative director of j.crew)

i think you are brilliant.
i have thought that ever since you
joined j crew.

you inserted new life
into the brand.
my closet thanks you
and my son's closet thanks you.

when i received the new catalog
in the mail
and saw you with your darling son.
and his fabulous pink toes.

i did not gasp.
i did not think it was inappropriate.
i did not flinch.
and i did not think you were "gender bending".

i thought "great color."
i thought "great style."
i thought "what a great mom/son moment."
and i thought "look how happy he is."

after hearing the uproar
on the news this morning.
i say bravo!
bravo! bravo!

bravo for not conforming
to strict gender roles.
bravo for having a moment
with your son.

i am sure that you did not expect
the reaction that has occurred.
i don't think you were meaning to
make a political statement.
(but if you were, well played).

lets be honest,
the conversation that should be taking place
is not about the color of your son's toenails.
but rather the fact this country
is still very homophobic.

this makes me very sad for
my child
my country
and the generations to come.

thank you for pointing this out.
please keep being your
fabulous, creative self.

xoxo
luc