this time of year is such a contradiction for me.
full of conflicting feelings.
extreme feelings really.
there are moments of pure bliss.
there are moments of sadness.
and then there are moment of just grey.
there are so many things
that i love about fall.
if you asked me to name my favorite season,
i would tell you fall.
but in the next breath i would tell you
i hate fall.
i love the crisp air.
the way the clouds look in the sky
the smell of leaves that have fallen from the trees
i love being able to wear my cowboy boots and jeans
the arrival of college football
the smell of comfort food in the kitchen.
but every year around mid september
it starts building.
my mood shifts.
i go inside myself.
i become quiet
scars get irritated
and those really deep ones ache.
i become more driven
more reflective.
hunkering down for the storm i know is coming.
those who know me best
can pinpoint the moment it begins.
giving up hope that this would be the year
that was different.
but it is not meant to be this year.
i dont think it will ever change,
there is no amount of medication
that can quiet the brewing storm.
it is part of who i am
and those around me try to
hang on for the ride
and look forward to the end of december
when it it magically lifts.
I ran this morning on a grey fall day with leaves all over the road. It was simultaneously beautiful and sorrowful. I found myself in tears, replaying Adelaide's birth/death(as they were the same moment0 through my head, images I have not replayed in a while. It's so poignant to me that you posted this today of all days. The fall is tough for me too, and yet I am with you, I would say it is my favorite season. Someone once told me fall is the season of transition which is so obvious in the natural world, but also the season of spiritual transition, where spirits pass between this world and others. Makes sense to me. Sending hugs, Sarah
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