dear cooper

my dear sweet cooper.

it is hard for me to believe that it has been four years since the day you entered the world and changed our lives forever.

i have spent much of today thinking about who you would be today, on your birthday. what kind of party would you choose? who would you invite? would you love cake the way your little brother does?
would you still have blond hair? blue eyes? would you be serious? quiet? or extroverted? what would your voice sound like when you said "i love you mama."? would your love trains? dinosaurs? or would  it be superheros? sports? would you snort when you laughed? would you snuggle up to read books?

the answers to these questions i will never know.

but this i do know about you, you had the ability to look into my soul. to touch my heart like no other. you were wise beyond your years. you were a fighter, strong and determined until your last breath. my time with you made me a better person, a better mother, a more compassionate individual. you taught me more lessons in 3 weeks than i could learn in a lifetime. i feel you with me all the time. you give me the strength to move forward, to push myself, to follow my dreams. you have given me so many gifts. friendships that exist solely because of you. i am grateful beyond words. you taught me that out of such great loss can come great self awareness and clarity.  that how i choose to live is simply a choice every single day. i feel blessed and privileged to have known you, loved you and to know that you are and always will be my child.

i guess today i am a mix of emotions. there is a dull ache in my heart. i am sad. i miss you. but still even four years later, i still believe if given the choice between never knowing you or knowing you for a brief time and losing you, i would still choose the latter.

happy birthday my sweet boy.

love and miss you
mom