residual

one of the residual side effects
of losing a child is always thinking
something bad is going to happen.

let me explain....

chace has had ear troubles
for the last couple of weeks.
yesterday, i took him to see
the ENT.

he took one look in his ears
and said, "he needs tubes"
now, this was not a surprise to me.
but we are leaving in 9 days for greece.
and lets face it, tubes will make the
entire trip more enjoyable for all.
but the timing is not ideal.

when they said we will do surgery
on wednesday the 15th, there was this
awakening in the pit of my stomach.
a feeling of anxiety, fear and panic.

from an intellectual perspective,
i know that tubes are not a big deal.
its a simple procedure.
44 million sets of tubes are put in every year.
this is not life threatening.
this is not the same as open heart surgery.

but that feeling in my stomach
is not rational.
it is pure raw emotion.
it is my heart.
it is my soul.
it does not think.
it feels.

it remembers cooper.
the heartache.
the loss.
the pain.
the anger.
the darkness.
it says not again.
i can not go through that again.

the moments between now and next wednesday
will be a battle between my intellectual and emotional selves.
and believe me they will battle.
however, i do believe that acknowledging the conflict is
part of the grieving and healing process.
learning to tame the crazy emotions are the only way to move forward,
otherwise it would too easy to let them take over and give in to the darkness.

so i will try to breathe deeper.
to let the irrational thoughts go.
to not follow their storylines.
and focus on the rational thoughts.
knowing that in 9 short days
we will be in greece and all will be well.