dueling emotions

Thursday, March 3, 2011

it was around 1:30 am wednesday morning when i awoke to the sound of chace. he was not crying. he was not readjusting. he was not babbling. he was calling for me. "mama! mama!" came over the monitor. there was no mistaking who he wanted or what he was saying.  hearing my sweet chace call out for me, caused me to jump out of bed. all he wanted was for me to find his pacifier. he went right back to sleep. it took me a little while to drift off to sleep because i was filled with such joy that he had said the one word i have longed to hear since the day he was born. he has been saying "mama" over and over and over, ever since. in fact the only time he will voluntarily give up his pacifier is to eat or to say "mama."

fast forward

last night, i was putting my socks in the dirty clothes hamper when i saw cooper's box sitting in the closet. his box of things as well as his ashes, have been in our closet for some time. i know that is where it lives. but there was something about it that set me off. before i or ph knew what happened i was sobbing uncontrollably. my heart hurt so much. i kept saying in between sobs " he is in the closet." and "i never got to hear him say mama." i cried so hard that my chest hurt, not from grief but from crying.

yesterday was a day of dueling emotions. grief, sadness, and heartache dueling it out with happiness, elation and joy. i kept trying to make sense of it last night while trying to fall asleep. and the only thing that i could come up with is that it is ok to have both emotions. that those emotions are not a betrayal of either one of my sons. and that learning to live with them both and accepting them for what they are is healing.

so duel away emotions... duel away......


  1. sending you peace tonight

  2. How sweet to hear that first, "Mama". And how wonderful to know Cooper still touches you so, and he always will. I think this is the essence of being a mother.
    It's been nearly 17 years since we lost our daughter and while I don't think of her daily, I have kept her ultrasound pics and all the cards and letters related to her very brief life. I still have her ashes too. This is what works for me/us.

  3. i'm glad you know that both sets of emotions are more than okay. thinking of you lots

  4. Sometimes when the wave comes, you just gotta ride it onto the beach.

  5. this post made me smile luc. last week i had one of those days when i heard mom at least 50 times in an hour and was ready to scream. while trying to make dinner and baby pulling at me saying mama, luke wanting my help with legos and calling out mom, then to top off tayler yelling from the top of the stairs, mom! 3 times as if i didn't here her.your post made me realize i will have many of theses days but it is still the greatest feeling, even on thoses days :) thanks for the realitiy check.

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  7. I often think about you and the son you lost and always ask myself how you have been so strong to make it through. I don't know what I would do if I lost Brice. It's amazing how these little people come to mean so much to us. I'm so glad you have had another chance to be a mom. I think you more than anyone will cherish it and Chace like most mothers can't even imagine. Smile, cry and every other emotion that overtakes you. It's all a part of healing.