it was around 1:30 am wednesday morning when i awoke to the sound of chace. he was not crying. he was not readjusting. he was not babbling. he was calling for me. "mama! mama!" came over the monitor. there was no mistaking who he wanted or what he was saying. hearing my sweet chace call out for me, caused me to jump out of bed. all he wanted was for me to find his pacifier. he went right back to sleep. it took me a little while to drift off to sleep because i was filled with such joy that he had said the one word i have longed to hear since the day he was born. he has been saying "mama" over and over and over, ever since. in fact the only time he will voluntarily give up his pacifier is to eat or to say "mama."
last night, i was putting my socks in the dirty clothes hamper when i saw cooper's box sitting in the closet. his box of things as well as his ashes, have been in our closet for some time. i know that is where it lives. but there was something about it that set me off. before i or ph knew what happened i was sobbing uncontrollably. my heart hurt so much. i kept saying in between sobs " he is in the closet." and "i never got to hear him say mama." i cried so hard that my chest hurt, not from grief but from crying.
yesterday was a day of dueling emotions. grief, sadness, and heartache dueling it out with happiness, elation and joy. i kept trying to make sense of it last night while trying to fall asleep. and the only thing that i could come up with is that it is ok to have both emotions. that those emotions are not a betrayal of either one of my sons. and that learning to live with them both and accepting them for what they are is healing.
so duel away emotions... duel away......