clarity

motherhood has provided me with some clarity, an understanding of my own mother and why she did and said certain things when we were little.  i heard the following words repeatedly when i was younger "you will understand when you have children of your own."  this would immediately instigate a roll of the eyes on my part, a heavy sigh and a "you just down understand" would fly out of my mouth. as if i had the world's worst mother and had such a miserable existence. this could not be further from the truth. my mom always says in her next life she is going to be one of her own children. i think she is on to something.

here we are 30 some odd years later and i have my ahh-haa moment, the light bulb goes off, i have clarity. i finally understand what she is talking about. it's like i finally understand the secret language of motherhood. it all makes sense. why we went to bed when it was still light out. why she insisted that we took a nap, she didn't care what we did but we had to be in our room for two hours. she needed some peace and quiet! i understand why she took a bath at night. what i do not understand is why she did not drink more? or maybe she did and i just do not remember it. and i am sure i will have many more ahh-haa moments along the way, after all chace is only 6 months old.

i put all this together this week when i was ever so lucky to have a cold. the same cold that the bean had and he so kindly gave to me. there is nothing worse than a summer cold. all i wanted to do was take some medicine and go to bed. but i could not do this, i am a mom now. it would not do me any good to complain, no one was listening. bean still needed his diaper changed, needed to be fed, and entertained. he did not care how i felt. he felt fine.  there are no days off in motherhood. children do not care if you are sick, tired, hungover, emotional or just feel like sometime to yourself. they need you, but mothers need their children too.

my love for your chace brings a kind of clarity about life that i never knew existed and could simply not understand until i became a mother.

at this moment

at this moment on newberry lane:

**i am drinking a beer and blogging.

**ph is trying to put together a swing for the bean.

**grandma pat is entertaining the bean, trying to keep him from screaming and not letting him fall asleep at the same time. this IS a daunting task.

** the bean is trying to thwart grandma pat's attempts to distract him.

**we are all hoping that the bean likes his new swing and the screaming will cease.

just saying.

my mom

"All women become like their mothers.

That is their tragedy.

No man does. That is his."

-Oscar Wilde

i was not an easy child to raise. i was strong willed and determined from a very early age, which made my relationship with my mom difficult most days. you see, she too is strong willed and determined, leading to many power struggles between the two of us. as most young women do, i spent much of youth trying not to be like my mom. fortunately, as i got older, i realized that i had this woman in my life who was kind and gentle, strong and determined, passionate and full of life. a woman who loved her children fiercely and would do anything for them, a woman who had a heart so big it was hard not to notice, and a woman who was the worlds best role model. it was then that i realized that i would be lucky if i was like my mother.

sure we look alike, have the same hands and feet. we can finish each other's sentences and have the same funny quirks. we walk the same, particularly when we are walking on the beach. but are we alike in the ways that matter? do i have her strength in times of crisis? her grace? her compassion for others? her ability to stand for what she believes in, no matter if its the opposing view? would i be the kind of mother she is to my brothers and i? i don't know.

but i do know this, my ability to move through life without cooper the past five months is because i am her daughter. she is running through my veins, she is part of who i am and it is because of her, that i am the woman i am today. and i am so proud that she is not only my mother, but my best friend. i love you mom.

wishing you all a happy mothers day.