dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper.

today would have marked your 7th month of life. where has the time gone?

sunday, we went to visit your garden. it looks amazing and all the plants have really grown in the last few weeks. while we were walking the dogs on the trails behind your garden, we felt you, then we heard you singing. your dad and i both looked up and there you were in a tree, talking away to us. it gave us such comfort as we watched you follow us along the path.

later that afternoon, we went to ella's first birthday party and we were constantly aware of your absence. that there would be no first birthday celebration for you, only the reminder of how old you would have been, if things had turned out the way we so desperately wanted. your dad and i were very aware of the gaping hole in our hearts that day, despite the festivities surrounding us.

we are trying very hard to give you a sibling to watch over. i had such a sense of purpose when i was pregnant and in those days after you were born, i need to feel that again. there are days cooper, that i feel so lost without you. i am good at filling up my day, seeing friends, working a little, and being creative, but its not the same sense of fulfillment that i had taking care of you and being your mother. no baby will ever replace you, but we ache to be parents again.

i am trying to learn how to sew, but at the moment it is more frustrating than gratifying. but the good news is that i am feeling creative for the first time since your death. i will take this as a sign that i am healing, even if its in small ways.

loving and missing you always

mom