dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper.

today you would have turned two years old. and i find myself wondering what you would have been like? this is not a new question for me to ponder, but as i watch your brother grow and change before my eyes, i find myself thinking about this more and more.

i like to think that you would have been more introverted, quiet and studious. i have no doubt that you would have been talking in paragraphs by now. you would have been happy to play by yourself, active but not a whirling dervish like your younger brother can be... boy is he active. you would be determined,  and strong, a fighter, you were that in your short life, so i am certain it would have stayed with you and served you well. your personality was just beginning to form when you were taken from us, and my heart aches to know what you would have been, could have been.

but then i get glimpses. like when you come to visit us. on thanksgiving you sat in the the magnolia tree very quiet, still and proud. once we made eye contact and you knew that i saw you and was ok, you flew away. you always know when to make an appearance, when i need to feel connected to you. it is in these moments that i know, there is life after death, that you and i will be connected forever, that you will always be my first born. but cooper, i miss you. and my heart hurts. and the hole that your death left aches. i am beginning to realize that it always will, that this journey lasts a lifetime. and sometimes, that knowledge is too much for me to bear.

and then i realize all that you have given me and i know that i must put one foot in front of the other. i must and that you are here with me every single step of the way. it is with that knowledge that i am able to move forward.

despite all the emotions that surround your short life, you remain the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. cooper, i will always be grateful for that gift.

i love you more than ever.
happy birthday my sweet precious cooper.
may you spread your wings and soar
on this cold november day.
i hope you stop by to say hello.

loving and missing you always
mom