dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today marks what would have been your 32nd week of life. it is so hard for me to believe it has been that long since you were born. in some ways the time has flown by and in others it feels like an eternity since i held you, perhaps it is because i miss you so. all the developmental books say that during this month you would begin crawling. if you took after me, you would be close to walking by now. your mama walked when she was 9 months old.

your dad and i spent the holiday weekend in florida. it was nice to get away and be near the water. it is so healing for me. one evening we were at the beach watching the sunset and there was this little boy playing in the sand. he had the blondest hair, it was almost white, and all i could see was you. it broke my heart into a million little pieces, knowing we would never get to watch you play at the beach.

i had the thought a few weeks ago that it was time to do something with your nursery, that maybe my lack of dealing with it was preventing me from getting pregnant. i had my plan of attack all worked out in my head. a simple plan with small steps. i would begin by boxing up your things that i wanted to keep, but did not want to pass down to another baby. it seemed easy enough, and i even bought a box. but i just haven't been able to start. i have spent some time in your room, looking at your tiny clothes, books and toys, but i every time i make the move to start putting things in a box, i get overwhelmed with what to keep. maybe its because until i know another baby is on the way, it will always be your room.

we see you lately in the hummingbird that has taken to the lavender by the front window. you usually appear when i am sitting on the couch knitting and seeing you brings me such comfort and peace.

cooper, not a day goes by that i don't think about you and miss you with all my heart.

loving you always
mom