dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

my life changed three months ago today when you entered the world. it is hard for me to believe that it has been that long. in some ways it seems like just yesterday that your dad and i were loading up the car to go to the hospital to meet you and in other ways it seems like an eternity since i held you in my arms or had you fall asleep on my chest.

and though you are not physically with us, we do feel you and are connected to you. there is not a minute that goes by that we dont miss you or long to see your sweet face. i dont think that our hearts will ever completely heal but they are mending.

i met alli and tommy today for lunch at the diner. you and tommy were going to be best buddies. he called you baby coop. i am so sad that you two never got to meet each other and play.

we were supposed to meet with dr meagher tomorrow to go over your autopsy results, but they had to reschedule because there were two children who needed emergency heart surgery. while i understand that, i was hoping to get some answers as to why you were taken away from me. but i think there is a part of me that knows there will be no answers, that i will never understand what happened or why. and while no medical explanation can help my heart, it would help my head.

i still havent touched your room. i know you didnt spend much time in there, but it is still yours. i cant seem to pack away your clothes because they smell like you. maybe when i have sniffed your smell out of them i can pack them away, but for now they sit in your pack and play in the office.

this day is important because your dad and i can now try to bring you a sibling to watch over and protect. you will always be our first child, but you brought us such joy in the time you were with us and we want to feel that joy again.

cooper, i want you to know how much i love you, how my hearts aches for you and how grateful i am that you showed me how capable i was of love. you will always be my birdy.

loving and missing you
mom


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