a moment

three years

it is hard for me to believe
that it has been three years
since cooper died.

there are moments
when it feels like yesterday.
and then there are moments
when it feels like a life time ago.

i can still recall
all the tiny, minute details
of that morning.
of how our lives changed forever
in the time it took to get a cup of coffee.

i have learned alot over the last three years:
about myself, my family, my friends and strangers.
about the resiliency of the heart, its ability to expand, to heal,
and to love.
about grief, compassion and living an honest life.

grief and loss is not something that
you want to learn about.
you don't wake about and think
"i need to work on my ability to move through loss."

but the reality is that we all face loss at some point
in our lives.
we are never really ready for it.
and no matter what the loss is, it feels insurmountable.
it is smothering, constant, and will bring you to your knees.

i still believe that there are two ways
to deal with grief.
face it head on. look it square in the eye
and say i am choosing to live.
or
stick your head in the sand. be the victim.
and choose to live in darkness.

in the days after cooper's death
i couldn't see my future self, my future life or
my future son.
it was too painful.

i wanted the grieving and healing
to be fast, over, done with and tucked neatly on the shelf.
it didn't happen that way.

the first year was a daily battle.
we had a house full of baby stuff
and no baby.
i worked every single day
on learning to live without cooper.

the second year was full of missed moments.
every milestone chace hit, there was a sharp twinge
in my heart, saying "we missed this with cooper."
i realized that i could not live chace's whole life thinking
of might have been with cooper.
it wasn't fair.

this third year has been full of acceptance.
a gentle acceptance of what is.
i still get mad.
i still cry.
my heart still aches for my sweet boy.
but i am more at peace.

i attribute this to my yoga practice.
it is time that i give myself
to breathe, to work on myself.
to feel whatever it is i need to feel.
to laugh. to cry. to hurt. to sweat.
to just be.

finding this place of calm
was such an unexpected surprise.
it was cooper's cardiologist who
encouraged me to try yoga.
and i am so grateful.

on the rare occasions when our
mats next to each other it brings me peace.
our hearts beating together for coopers.

there are times at the end of the day
that i am tired and dont want to go to yoga.
but i know that it brings a calmness to my life that i need.
a healing that is gentle and steady like the breathe that guides the practice.
it connects my heart to my sons hearts', both cooper and chace.
and this helps me find a gentle acceptance of what is,
even if only for a few moments.

each year since cooper's death has brought
a greater understanding of myself,
made me a better parent, friend, daughter and spouse.
though my heart will always be scarred, it does to continue
to heal and to mend, slowly.

dear chace

dear chace.

you are now two months away from two years old. and to be honest with you, you are beginning to act like you are already two. i understand why they call it the terrible twos. when you don't get your way,  you know how to turn on the tantrum. holy all out temper tantrum. you throw yourself on the floor, kick, hit, throw whatever is in your path. i try to ignore you but sometime i just want to laugh at you. i am not sure where you get your temper. (haha) what i do love about this age, is that you don't hold a grudge. as soon as you are finished expressing your displeasure you return to your happy, sweet little self.

in the last month you have turned into a little magpie. you repeat whatever you hear us say.  you are putting words together in small sentences, which makes communication between us much easier. we can actually have a conversation.

while you don't really understand christmas, or maybe you do understand. you certainly know who santa is and love asking "where santa?". when i ask you what you want santa to bring you, you reply "owl and a cup".  hopefully santa will deliver. i can not wait to see the wonderment in your eyes on christmas morning.

you continue to thrive in school. after two days of being home sick, upon returning to school, you ran into the classroom and shook ms. gerrie's hand. i love it that you have taken such an interest in learning and that you love school so much. i love it when you apply what what you are learning in school to life at home. it makes us feel good about your academic environment.

we head to yaya and pappous on monday. you are going to meet your younger cousin for the first time. i am not sure how you will feel about sharing your grandparents, but i think you will learn to love finn.
we are hoping to take you to the ski area and have you play in the snow. your dad is itching to get you on skis. you do love watching ski videos with your dad, so i feel pretty confident that you will take to the slopes.

this time of year is hard for your dad and i, but you make it bearable. you bring such joy into our lives and for that we are thankful.

happy 22 months sweet boy.

love you
mama

tuesday tidbits

** chace loves eggnog.

** i think this is really funny.

** but what is funnier is the way he says it.

** i wish it would snow.

** we decorated gingerbread houses today with hayden, cole and amy.

** well, lets be honest. amy and i decorated the houses.

** the kids consumed lots of sugar.

** chace has a horrible diaper rash.

** it is his first diaper rash.

** ever.

** tonight is pizza night.

** have you seen "homeland" on showtime?

** it is awesome.

** we have watched the entire season in less than a week.

** chace wants an owl and a cup from santa.

** i have to go to the post office tomorrow.

** i am dreading it.

** pizza is calling.

** happy tuesday.

green monday

did you know that today is green monday?
i had no idea, until i watched the news last night.
according to those who study consumer trends
today is one of the biggest online retail days of the year.

who knew?

so in honor of green monday.
i am offering you a chance to do some
online retail therapy in the lucends shop.
use the coupon code "greenmonday"
and receive 15% off your order.

today only!
happy green monday.

a handshake

chace has the handshake down pat.
he even will look you in the eye
while he is shaking your hand.

this is how he starts and ends
his time at montessori every single day
and i love it.

there is nothing that i hate
more than a weak handshake
or someone who does not look
you in the eye while shaking your hand.

so, i am thrilled that my son
is learning this skill early in life.
when he meets someone new
he sticks out his hand to shake it.

even being in awe of seeing santa
in the flesh did not throw him off.
nope, he just stuck out his hand,
like he sees santa every day.

parenting moment

there are a few messages
that keep recurring in my yoga practice:
living your truth, being honest
with where you are and being vulnerable.

i am trying to take my practice
off my mat, to use what
i learn in class and
apply it to life outside the yoga studio.

today, no the few days,
i have been presented with
this opportunity.

incidentally, this opportunity
happens to coincide with one my
less than stellar parenting moments.

chace has been sick.
forever.
and forever.
we went back to the doctor monday
and were given an antibiotic.

this medicine has turned my child
into a a very grouchy child.
he only wants ph and
throws himself on the floor
when i come near him.

he wants nothing to do with me.

i am trying not to get
my feelings hurt,
but i am.

i am jealous that ph
is the only one that can console him.

i feel useless.
there is no division of labor.
it is all falling squarely
on the shoulders of ph.

last night, chace was up
every two hours
( we switched medicine today)
but the only one who could
settle him down was ph.

because i feel hurt, jealous and useless
i am losing patience.

what happened to my sweet happy go lucky child?
when will this end?
when will i have my toddler back.?

like i said, not my most stellar of parenting moments.
but i am trying to take my practice off my mat.
to be vulnerable, honest and live my truth.

this is my truth this week.
and i am learning to take it
one breath at a time.

tuesday tidbits

** it is very quiet around our house without b.

** i miss him so much.

** and though it was the right decision, the humane decision, i cant believe he is gone.

** i am methodically working through my custom order list.

** i am looking forward to doing some sewing for me, someday.

** c has been home from school for the last two days.

** i feel like we are going to be sick until april.

** we leave in two weeks.

** i can not wait to be at my parents.

** we will be there for a entire month.

** i got the lucends shop undated.

** feel free to holiday shop.

** it is hard to believe that we have not had snow.

** this makes it feel very "unchristmas" like.

** but i am trying to get in the holiday mood.

** i have an auction meeting.

** did i mention that i am making a quilt to be auctioned off that includes the hand prints of all 93 children?

** i think it is going to be awesome but a big undertaking.

** that project will use up all my parent participation hours!

** we have to do 30 a year.

** hope you are having a happy tuesday.

big hunk

i am sure you saw
the american express
small business saturday commercial?

did you know
that some of the businesses
on the commercial are located in austin?
they may have all been,
but i know two were.

when i was in austin
luke and i went to
the big top candy shop.

it was amazing.
there was every kind
of candy imaginable.

candy old and new.
candy from your childhood.
whatever your age may be.
candy by the pound.
candy too pretty or cool to eat.

if it hadn't been so crowded
i could have spent all day in there
and a lot of money on sugar.

i managed to snap
a pic of the big hunk candy bar.
this is not my favorite kind of candy,
but it is a significant part of my past.

you see, when i was a senior in high school.
some one threw said candy bar
from the top of the bleachers
and it hit me in the bag of the head
requiring 3 stitches and an afternoon off from school.

maybe i should keep some
in my house in case
i need to hit someone on the back of the head.

in photos

love you B.
you will be missed.
i hope there is lots of snow in your next life.
our lives will not be the same without you.
xoxo

renegade in texas

renegade craft fair in austin
was  awesome.
it was handmade texas style.

the vendors were amazing.
the venue was perfect.
the customers were charming.
there was beer and wine served.
my neighbors were so much fun.
the production staff was out of this world.

look at the company
i was in....

becka spellman makes the coolest kids clothes.
i picked up a shirt for chace.

aviva kleiner has the most beautiful felt and beaded hair pieces.
it made me wish my hair was long.

lisa chow creates whimsical drawings by hand.
luke and i came brought home three.

jamie kelsch creates jewelry that is hip, simple and elegant.
there were several pieces i want.

and

leah duncan creates fabric to drool over.
she has a line of fabric coming out in february with anthology fabrics.

this was just the tip of the iceburg.
these ladies were in booths next to me.
if you have a chance to attend a renegade craft fair
you should go.
no, run.
you will not regret it.

i can not wait
for the opportunity to
be in this company again.

** i am glad to be home.

** renegade craft fair was awesome.

** i will post more tomorrow.

** chace is giving me the cold shoulder.

** he is all about dada.

** i made cookies today.

** one slid off the sheet and burned in the oven.

** our house smells like burned cookie.

** yoga tonight.

** my body needs it.

** i will be updating the shop tonight and tomorrow.

** just in time for holiday shopping.

** i am ready for cold weather.

** i forgot how cool austin is.

** shiner bock has a holiday beer out.

** it was so tasty.

** i think it is called "cheer" or maybe "merry"

** i caught up with lots of cousins while in austin.

** it made me wish i didn't live so far away.

** i need a new pair of cowboy boots.

** happy tuesday.

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

happy birthday sweet boy. today, you would have turned three years old. some days, it is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that i will write you letters on your birthday that you will never read, that i imagine what you would be like, and who you would become.  i miss you every single day and more than i can stand on your birthday.

i wonder what kind of birthday party you would be having? what would be your favorite gift? who your friends would be? would you want a chocolate or vanilla cake? there are so many questions i have, that i will never know the answers.

i do get a glimpse of you in your brother. he has a bit of a temper, a stubborn streak that you showed to us in your short life. whenever it comes out, i just chuckle and recognize it as you checking in. but make no mistake, you two are very different children and have very different personalities. i am reminded of this daily.

this summer, i started practicing yoga. when i began, i never thought it would bring me closer to you. but every time i step on my mat, i feel your heart connected to mine, an invisible string pulling us together. it is time that i need, it has created a sacred space and has helped me heal on a deeper level.

today, i am in austin at a craft show. your uncle luke is here with me. it is a pretty big deal that i was accepted. and despite the fact that i am focused on selling, you are with me, on my mind. after all, lucends exist because of you. i started sewing because of you and i keep creating to honor you and the gift you gave me.

happy birthday.
i love and miss you each and every day.

xoxo
mama

lucends on the road

lucends is going on the road,
going home,
back to my roots.

if you are in austin
this weekend,
stop by, say hello,
do some holiday shopping
and support handmade.

xoxo

tradition

being the type a personality
that i am, i love tradition.
particularly, around the holidays.
there is comfort in the familiar.
knowing that year to year the rituals
for the most part stay the same.

sure i look forward to creating
new traditions with ph and chace.
but there are certain family rituals
that i wanted to share with him,
to watch him experience, see through his eyes
and live for himself.

for 38 years the texas-texas a&m football game
has been a part of our thanksgiving day tradition.
it didn't really matter who won the game, because being
a house divided, there was always a winner and a loser.
the point is that we would gather around the tv cheer or curse
and just be together.

tonight is the last game in a storied college football rivalry.
a rivalry between two school who embody tradition.

one of the greatest rivalries
in college football is coming to an end
because texas a&m ( my alma matter) is heading to the SEC.
i am sure that many factors came into play,
but lets be honest, this move was motivated by money, not tradition.

this makes me sad.
ph and chace will not get to experience
this tradition first hand.
to stand in a stadium full of 100,000 fans.
to feel the bleachers shake.
to watch each school take pride and tradition
to the field for bragging rights.

many generations of future students will
have to listen to family members reflect on
a time when the two great universities met
on the football field on thanksgiving day.
they will not be able to live the tradition
for themselves.

and after all.
tradition is about living the experience.

holiday rush

this weekend marks
the beginning of the holiday season.
although, the stores would like
you to believe that it began,
well before halloween.

there was a time
that i welcomed the
official start to the holidays.

now, i don't get
my holiday rush until
the 19th of december.
then i am fully immersed
in holiday cheer.

today, friends and family
are traveling, cooking, preparing
and being together.

for me, today is just another day.
with the exception that ph has the day off
and chace did not have school.
it doesn't feel like thanksgiving.

tomorrow, friends and family
will cook, eat, gather, and tell stories.
tomorrow ph and i will reflect,
be together, hold our sons close,
and go through the motions of thanksgiving.

while cooper's birthday is not until sunday.
i associate thanksgiving with his birth,
making it a much more emotion filled day.

a day filled with gratitude, reflection, heartache,
joy, hope, and thankfulness that despite a loss so great
our family is still standing.

tuesday tidbits

** chace only wants to eat cereal.

** cereal breakfast, lunch and dinner.

** i am headed to yoga in a bit.

** today is my mama's birthday.

** we booked our tickets to go home for xmas.

** we will be gone for a month.

** i am a bundle of emotions.

** excited, sad, nervous, grateful, hurting, happy, anxious, and joyful.

** you name it, i am feeling it.

** i am in the home stretch with products.

** currently, i have 139 items that are heading to austin for the show.

** i can not  believe i leave friday am.

** i am excited to hang out with my brother for the weekend.

** i have a growing list of holiday orders for when i return home.

** i i have never been away from chace for more than 1 night.

** ok, i have only been away from him once.

** it does not feel like the holidays outside.

** i am ready for snow.

** i can not believe i said that out loud.

** happy tuesday.

favorite

ph and i don't have
alot of pictures together.
this i because the camera
is usually in my hands.

this picture is my favorite.
it was taken by my brother
with an old polaroid.
i was 6 months pregnant
with cooper and we were all
having lunch by the lake.

it hangs on my bulletin board
in my sewing room.
i was looking at it the
other day and it struck
me, how young we look.

there are less grey hairs
there are less wrinkles.
there is an air of lightness
joy and hope.
we are not yet members of "the club"
and our hearts have yet to break.

but, i love it still....

a moment

tuesday tidbits

**i finally feel like sewing again after my awful cold.

** this is a good thing because i leave in 10 days for austin.

**so i will be burning the midnight oil to get things made.

** i am trying not to add any more "new" products.

** but this is hard.

** chace likes pomegranate seeds.

** go figure.

** please explain to me why i am 5 pounds heavier since starting yoga.

** this disturbs me.

** i get my haircut tonight.

** it is a shaggy mess.

** ready for it to be grown out already.

** i am shipping the majority of my inventory to my brother tomorrow.

** he is driving it to austin for NC.

** yay, kuca!

** chace has not been a good napper lately.

** ok, back to work.

** happy tuesday.

dear chace

my dear sweet chace,

today, on your 2st1 month birthday you are full of piss and vinegar. i don't mean this in a bad way, it's just that well, you have discovered your voice, your will, and your wants. today has been a battle of wills between the two of us. luckily, they are short moments and then you go back to being my sweet boy. the one that says "please" and "thank you." i should not be surprised by your strong will, you come by it honestly. your tantrums are not mean spirited, you just want what you want when you want it. i get it, really i do.

we had a meeting with your teacher at school. she says that you are doing well. she always indicated that you might have some type a tendencies. again, i am not surprised. she says that you get frustrated when you can not complete a task or do it correctly. we have noticed this at home, as well.  these tendencies will be your greatest asset as well as your greatest weakness. your vocabulary has exploded.you say new words daily and put several words together.

you are an outdoors boy. i think need to get you some serious outdoor gear because i have a feeling we will be spending a great deal of time outdoors this winter. we will be spending a month in santa fe and your dad and i plan to have you on the ski mountain playing in the snow. apparently, you and your dad watch ski porn when i am not around. he says you are ready for the white stuff.

the whole house has been sick this past month. it seemed to be harder on your parents than you. i continue to be amazed at how happy you are. you truly exude joy and this is such a gift, not only for us as your parents but for those you encounter. this is the time of year that your brother is heavy on my mind and heart, but then i look at you and it is hard to be sad for long. you are the healing that we all needed. you are one of cooper's many gifts to us and for that i am so grateful.

each day with you continues to be an adventure and a privilege.

thank you.

xoxo
mama

leaves

this week we finally
had a really hard frost.
this means that all the leaves
on our trees fell at once.
our yard was one huge blanket of leaves.

growing up in west texas
we had changes of seasons,
but they were subtle.
they were not nearly as
marked as they are here in the northeast.

i dont have a great deal
of memories of raking leaves
and jumping in the piles.
heck, we didnt have very many trees in our yard.

the one memory i do have
is when we lived in central texas.
we had a huge pecan tree in our front yard.
my brothers and i played in the leaves from
that tree for hours.

i think jumping in piles of leaves is
a right of passage for childhood.

yesterday, ph and chace
spent some time in the leaves.
not much raking was completed.
but there were lots of  laughter.

a moment

pressure

i know this about myself:

i am driven.
i am my own worst enemy.
i am perfectionistic.
i am a classic type a personality.

at times, i put too much on my plate.
i push myself to the limit.
i am hard on myself.
and i put an immense amount of pressure on myself.

this combination on characteristics
can work to my advantage.
or it can wreak havoc at the worst possible times.

lately, it has been the later.
i have been sick for two weeks
with no sign of wellness in sight.

i do not have time to be sick.
i have a lot os sewing to do.
there are a little over two weeks
until the Renegade Craft Fair Holiday Show in Austin.

during my 75 minutes
of me time last might.
it became clear
that i have control over some of this.

i can take the pressure off.
i can be kind and compassionate to myself.
i trust that things are and will be as they should be.
i can say no.
i can ask for help.
and by doing this, maybe just maybe i can kick this cold in the ass.

tuesday tidbits

** i just returned home from the best yoga class ever.

** i so needed that.

** ph and i are watching hockey and eating pizza.

** i can not shake this cold i have.

** i am headed to the doctor tomorrow.

** chace and i saw cooper this morning as we were on our way to school.

** we haven't seen him in a while.

** i had a great show over the weekend.

** thanks to all who came to support handmade.

** i am now gearing up for austin in 2.5 weeks.

** eeek!!!!

** athena and stella arrive on friday!

** i can not wait to hug her neck.

** she is going to shoot a few pictures.

** ok, more than a few.

** hopefully one will be our xmas photo.

** chace's new favorite place to play is the car.

** this is funny because my cousin and i used to play in the car.

** hope you are having a good evening.

** back to hockey and pizza.

he is not saying what you think he is saying

chace has a new favorite word.
fox is the word of choice lately.
and it doesn't really sound like fox.
it sounds much more like,
f*@k.

last week during pickup at school
chace's teacher told me
that they had a potential parent
observing the classroom the day before.

chace kept talking about the fox.
over and over and over.
the mother started visibly laughing.
his teacher went over an explained
that he was saying fox, not the 4 letter word
she was certain he was saying.
she further explained that she knew
this because she had a discussion
with chace's mom about the word.

i am waiting for him
chace to start saying fox
at the top of his voice a
while we move through wegmans.

good times!

i think i will not tell him
this story for fear of him using it
against me when he is a teenager.
" mom, i was saying fox not f@*k".

tuesday tidbits

** c and i are sick.

** i do not have time to be sick.

** there are 4 days until the mayday underground art and craft show.

** needless to say i am sewing like crazy.

** we had a great visit with my mom.

** i was sad to see her go.

** but we will be in santa fe  before i know it.

** can you believe it is november 1st?

** crazy!

** chace's favorite word is "hi"

** and his favorite phrase is "i sit down."

** he seems to add new new words to his vocabulary bank daily.

** it is really fun to watch.

** tonight is pizza night.

** i love pizza night because i do not have to cook.

** cooper's third birthday is approaching.

** that is so hard for me to wrap my head around.

** it is a beautiful fall day today.

** i am so glad that the october storm missed us.

** janome is FINALLY replacing my sewing machine.

** it should be in any day.

** i am so glad that i had a back up machine.

** off to take more cough drops.

** happy tuesday.

happy halloween

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** i am currently watching NCIS: Los Angeles.

** it is pouring rain here.

** we had a grand time with pappous.

** thankfully, yaya is here until monday.

** c calls uncle luke, "cuka."

** it's pretty cute.

** i have been uninspired to blog lately.

** i am wondering if my time as a blogger is winding down or i just need to take a break.

** things are falling into place for the mayday underground art and craft show on nov. 5th

** are you going to attend?

** i can not believe that november is right around the corner.

** there is snow in the forecast for the end of the week.

** why do i buy halloween candy that i like?

** c has a fall party at school tomorrow.

** ph and i have at attend our first parent teacher conference on thursday.

** i hope we get a good report.

** we bought a training potty today.

** now to start using it.

** have a great tuesday night.

it might be time

this past week
i have noticed
that chace has been
pulling on his diaper.

yesterday, he looked at my dad
and said "i potty."
my dad then relayed
the information to me.

i put chace on the potty.
nothing happened.
i took him off.
less than five minutes later
he peed on the bathroom floor.

i think it might be
time to think about
potty training.
let the good times begin.

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** the word of the day for chace, "tattoo".

** hmmm. wondering how he knows that word?

** we are having roasted chicken and fall vegetables for dinner.

** i love fall.

** i am sewing sewing sewing away.

** the count down is on for the mayday underground art and craft show nov. 5th.

** if you live in rochester, are you attending?

** you could start your holiday shopping early.

** mom and dad arrive friday.

** my brother, luke,  is making an appearance some time next week.

** we had a great afternoon at a local farm market with friends.

** chace went on his first hayride.

** it is hard to believe that he was only able to sit in the pumpkin patch last year.

** athena is coming to visit. athena is coming to visit.

** i can not wait!

** my 20th  high school reunion is in two weeks.

** i am not attending.

** 20 years is a long time.

** hope you had a good tuesday.

dear chace

my dear sweet chace,

today, marks your 20th month of life. while i write you letters on the 14th of every month, i hope you will some day understand that not a day goes by that i am so thankful for you, your life and the honor of being your parent.  there are some days that i am tired, that i am short on patience or i am not fully present, i apologize for that, this does not mean that i  love you any less. i really try to enjoy and savor each moment with you. it is one of your brothers lessons, that life is really short and that we can not take it for granted. we must live each moment to the fullest. by doing this, i am the best mama that i can be and i honor both you and your older brother.

you have settled into school and our new routine. you are thriving in the montessori environment and are soaking up every bit of your time there. next week we will attend the "children teach parent" night and i can not wait to see what you teach us.

your vocabulary expands daily. it is so much fun to see what words you discover each day. this week you started saying "pappous". this makes your grandfather very happy and you take such delight in saying that word. sometimes you break out in song,"pappous, pappous, pappous."

you have started eating at the dining room table. this please you and makes you feel very grown up. however, getting you to actually eat remains a daily challenge. your dad and i continue to spend many hours reading to you. if you are not outside, you prefer to be reading. your favorite books are the richard scary books which i attribute to your burgeoning vocabulary. you are particularly fond of the fox and raccoon in these books.

as you rapidly approach two, your will seems to strengthen. you can be very hard headed. in your defense, you come by it naturally. i do not know anyone who is more hard headed than your father and i. this has proved to create the ultimate battle of wills. at this stage of the game i can usually distract you and you forget what you were so focused on. i imagine that this will not work for ever and it is a little unfair. i am sure you catch on soon to my parental trick.

thankfully, my trickery does not have to be employed often. most of the time you are such a joy to be around. you warm my heart, make me laugh, make me proud, keep me in a constant state of amazement and we have a grand time spending time together.

i love you so much.

xoxo
mama

a moment

fall festivities

one of the aspects i

love about living in

the northeast is the 

change of seasons.

growing up in west texas

we had seasons,

but often times they 

ran together into

one long season of hot.

my favorite is fall.

i love the way the clouds look.

i love the crisp breeze

and the smell of wet leaves.

i love apples picked right off the tree

and the abundant orange pumpkins

that seem to be everywhere.

this weekend we spent

some time as a family

enjoying the outdoors 

and all things fall.

you have to in these parts.

the snow flies early marking 

the beginning of our longest

season: winter.

and no i am not complaining.

yet.

tuesday tidbits

** chace said "pappous" today.

** this caused me to call my dad at 7 am to tell him the news.

** i dont think he had his coffee yet.

**my labels arrived!

** i have 22 bags in various stages.

** hoping to sew all 22 bags together tomorrow.

** i volunteered to be on the wine tasting/ auction fundraising event for chace's school.

** we have our first meeting tomorrow night.

** if you left a comment about having a church group sew cooper birds will you please email me.

** pretty please?

**we are having turkey panini for dinner.

**ph smoked turkey on sunday and we thought this would be a great way to use the leftovers.

** chace was happy to be back at school after a 4 day weekend.

** he practically ran into the classroom.

**my mom's visit is getting closer.

** i am so excited.

** we are trying to convince my brother and dad to come up as well.

** this is not going very well.

** have a good evening.

** off to cook dinner.

for the good of food

we like food.

not just any food.

good food.

pure food.

simple food.

complicated food.

food full of flavor.

ok, we like most foods

with the exception of processed foods.

i meticulously plan out

the meals each week

carefully balancing flavors,

proteins and produce.

i don't buy cookies,

chips or junk food.

part of it is because i will eat it

and the other part is i don't

want chace to eat this type of food.

we eat this way, not because it

makes us better parents

or individuals.

it is choice we have made

for ourselves and our family.

this being said, 

eating this way can be expensive.

the majority of our grocery bill

is spent on produce.

saturday at yoga, 

i saw a flier for a csa

called the good food collective.

this option makes sense to me.

we get fresh produce

for 4 months during the winter.

it will cut down on our grocery bill.

we are helping local farmers.

and we are consuming good, healthy pure food.

for me this is a no brainer.

now i have to convince ph.

shift in perspective

one of the hardest
aspects of cooper's death
for me to wrap my head around
is the fact that we were not there.

ph and i had stepped
out to get coffee
after checking in on cooper,
seeing the surgeon,
and getting the update
from his nurse.

everything was great.
i remember crying and
the surgeon said to me
"dont cry, he did great."

after some encouragement
we ventured down to get
coffee and make phone calls.
we were not gone long.

when we walked back onto
the floor, i noticed a team of people
around cooper's bed.
i said something to ph.
my brain had not caught up
with what my eyes were seeing.

ph saw them administering cpr.
they asked us to wait outside.
it was then that i realized
our road was going to get really bumpy
and later the road would cave in all together.

my brain will never forget
the sequence of events as they unfolded.
but my perspective is shifting with time.

i have always felt so guilty
that we were not there
when his heart stopped.

i wonder if he knew
what was happening.
did he feel alone?
was he scared?

intellectually, i know that
he was heavily medicated
and did not suffer.
but the heart of mother
can play tricks on the mind.

the lesson in yoga the other
night was about the road.
our own personal journey
and how as humans we sometimes
think we are on the wrong path, but
it is really the right one for us.

this changed my perspective.
things unfolded as they were destined
to unfold, as hard as that is for me to admit.
us, not being in the room
when cooper's heart stopped was a gift.

we did not have to hear the alarms
we did not have to see the heart monitor go flat.
we did not have to see or hear the stress on the team's voices.
we saw enough when we walked back in.
we have enough images and details of that day to last a lifetime.

my shift in how i view that detail of december 18th 2008
does not make my heart hurt less.
it does not make me love cooper any less.
it simply allows me to accept  i was exactly
where i needed to be.

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** chace's new favorite food is nilla wafers.

** he doesnt seem to understand that they are not a food group.

** i thought they were a food group when i was little.

** athena and stella are coming to rochester in november.

** i can not wait to see stella and chace together.

** i am hoping to get her to take some family photos while she is here.

** chace needs a hair trim, again.

** my hair is not growing out fast enough.

** after the shows are over in november, i am going to sew cooper birds with my scraps.

** it is what feels right.

** feel free to knit or sew birds.

** i would also like to make some quilts over the winter.

** my new favorite song is "spirit of a storm" by kenny chesney.

** i booked my flight to austin for renegade craft fair.

** if you live in austin, or close to austin, i hope you will stop by.

** my flight only cost $10.00.

** i used miles for the ticket.

** nice feeling.

** happy tuesday everyone.

spirit of a storm

sunday mornings i
attend yoga at 10 am.
it is an open level class.
this means that is challenges me.
really challenges me.

it is taught by erica.
she taught my new to yoga series
and is well awesome.

she is an english teacher in her day job.
i connect with her teaching style.
its full of stories, quirkiness and lessons.

so sunday morning yoga is more than yoga.

this time of year is hard.
as much as i love fall,
it is hard for me.
the storms build
and i find myself trying to
manage them in various ways.

some days i am able weather them.
some days they get the best of me.
and some days the sun shines brightly.

they are part of who i am.
they are a part of my story.
they are the fabric of my life.

it stormed like crazy yesterday
which seemed to match my mood.
yoga was all about storms, breathing
through them and not being alone in the storm.

thank you sweet friend
for giving me a new place
to weather the storm.

cooper's flock update

today i dropped
the last batch of
cooper's birds at the hospital.

can you believe it?

it was hard.
to be in that space.
the memories came
rushing back.

it was hard to
randomly run into
cooper's surgeon.
(even though i had a premonition that i was going to see him today)
i have not seen him
since we met to go over the autopsy.

over 400 birds
have been given to
families on surgery day
for the past 2.5 years.

thank you to all who contributed to the flock.

cooper has been on my mind.
i miss him terribly today.
i have mixed emotions
about no longer having a box
of birds in my basement.

i knew this day would come
that the birds would not reproduce
in my basement.
but i kind of wish they did.

they have brought
comfort to families on a
very difficult day.

the families do not know
me or my story.
simply, that someone who has been
in their shoes is thinking about them.

jen and i were talking
today about what the
next move is for cooper's flock.
i am torn.

what do you think?

if you want
to create birds, i will love
you for it.
if you do not want to,
i will still love you.

you decide.

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** i am not quite sure how it is tuesday again.

** i feel like i just wrote this post.

** did you hear the news?

** lucends will be a vendor at renegade craft fair in austin nov 26 and 27.

** i am beyond excited.

**chace has settled into school.

** no more tears in the morning.

** he has learned to flush the toilet.

** an important skill for little boys to learn.

** i have started my sewing schedule.

** i am going to try very hard not to add new items to my list.

** but i am afraid this might be impossible.

** i had a mani/pedi yesterday at scott miller.

** i am wearing the color wicked.

** this afternoon, i am going to make homemade granola.

** thursday night, ph and i have to attend curriculum night at webster montessori.

** should be interesting.

** happy tuesday.

** back to the sewing machine.

magic backpack

i mentioned on tuesday
that i was doing
some personal sewing
this week, before i get in production
mode for my upcoming shows.

one of the things
that has been on my list
is this darling backpack
for chace.

i thought it would be
perfect for school
and traveling over the holidays.

i found the fabric
at the quilt shop in santa fe.
it has hippos all over it.

i am very proud of this
little backpack.
it was labor intensive
and i think it came out great.

but what makes me
the happiest
is chace loves it.

he ran into school
on friday to show
all the teachers his backpack.
he pointed to each hippo.
he was so proud.

yesterday,
we had a class nature walk
and he would not leave home
with out his backpack.
i took the opportunity
to snap so photos.

the breath

when was the last time
you paid attention to your breath?
i am referring to the breath
that moves in and out of your body.
your life force.

i have always taken
breath for granted.
never paid much attention
to it, until i started taking yoga.

it is the center of yoga.
the movements and poses
follow the breath.
we pay attention to the air moving
in and out of or body through
the nose.

i have noticed that when
a pose becomes challenging
i stop breathing.
i wonder if i do that off of my mat?

i have a hard time
at the end of class
being still,
letting my mind rest.

it wanders
i make list
i think about blog topics
sewing projects.
i stop following my breath.

last night, i made the commitment
to really try to stay present
at the end of class
to not wander.

i was not sure how
i was going to accomplish this task.
but i was committed to trying.

i found myself, saying the names of my boys.
cooper on in inhale.
chace on the exhale.

they are my life force.
my reason for being.
by focusing on their names
with each breath i was able
to stay present, in the moment,
on my mat.
and my mind rested.

this got me thinking
how much more would
i experience if i paid more
attention to the breath during the course
of my day?

so i will ask again
when was the last time
you paid attention to
your breath?

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** i have decided to sew projects for myself this week.

** things that have been on my "to do" list for a while.

** i will start my self imposed sewing schedule next week.

** i will know by then if i was accepted to the renegade craft fair  holiday show in austin.

** if i get in, you will hear me scream with delight, where ever you might be.

** it is fall around here and i love it so.

** besides christmas time, it is my favorite time of year.

** this is odd to me, because while i love it, it is also a very emotionally turbulent time of year.

** i am looking forward to the season premieres of NCIS and NCIS Los Angeles tonight.

** i will be watching and knitting along on my never ending project.

** c is still having a hard time with the morning drop off at school.

** but his teacher assures me, he is fine as soon as i leave.

** and that is where he should be at this stage in the game.

** most of the kids in his class are at least 2, if not 2.5.

** he is the youngest.

** i stopped weight watchers.

** no real reason.

** i still want to lose the extra weight.

** i am just hoping that yoga 3-4 times a week will help with that process.

** ok, i need to go put on some comfy clothes.

validation

i tell myself
that i create for myself.
that i just want to make beautiful things,
and it does not matter if people like them.

i tell myself this.
but it could not be further from the truth.

i want people to like what i make.
i want them to HAVE to have a lucends product.

i want them to be moved
by the fabric
the color
the design
or my story.

it is easy to put
my product online.
i don't see the reaction,
good or bad.
it is passive.

it is harder to apply to a show.
first, there is the process.
will they like it?
will they accept me?

then the actual show
will i stand there all day
and not make a single sale.
will people think my stuff i ugly?

today, ph and i spent
the day at artist row at the public market.
it was a perfect fall day.
sunny, crisp, perfect.
and i was validated.

the response to my work
was very positive.
i made some sales.
i gave away alot of business cards.
i met some great people.
i had some awesome conversations.
and i am inspired to keep creating.

thank you to all who support
my creative endeavors.

a moment

dear chace

my dear sweet chace,

as you move one month closer to your two year birthday, you are beginning to assert your will more and more every day. just yesterday you did not like the snack i selected for you, after a bit of back and forth i realized that wanted pitas and hummus for a snack. once i figured it out, you gave me the biggest smile. you know what you want.

you started montessori this week. a milestone no doubt. you seem to like it, you don't like it when i leave, but i think you settle in quickly. it is alot for you to take in. i know your mind is moving at a warp speed and absorbing everything like a sponge. when i pick you up from school you talk very very fast, trying your best to tell me every little detail about your day.

you have two new words this week: "car" and "garbage" and have learned to flush the toilet. you take great pleasure in this simple act. you continue to love your books and have a new fascination with dinosaurs.  you have started to eat meat. hooray!

you had a grand time in santa fe with your yaya and pappous. you did have your token ear infection, which seems to happens every time we fly to higher elevation. you loved feeding the koi in the pond, picking the flowers and unlimited supply of ceiling fans.

i love this picture of you. you have such a look of determination and curiosity on your face. this was at the children's museum in santa fe. it was such a hands on place and you loved every minute of it.

you are such a sweet child with an unlimited supply of love. your laugh is the best sound i have ever heard and fills my heart with such joy.

happy 19th month my best sweet boy!

love you
mama

tuesday tidbits

** c does not want to nap today.

** he is in his crib rolling around and talking.

** sorry, c you are not coming out of your room until 3.

** i sound like my mom.

**it is so weird having him at school in the morning.

** i got so much work done today.

** it is a scott miller day, today.

** my hair is out of control.

** i have decided to grow it back out.

** i think i might be wearing alot of hats this winter.

**i am knitting myself a sweater.

** it might take all winter.

**it was so good to get back to yoga.

** but boy am i sore.

** update, c finally asleep.

** ok time for mamma to work.

** happy tuesday.

a new groove

we are in a new groove
here on newberry lane.
c started montessorri
this morning.

he goes 5 days a week
for 3 hours.
he did great!
no tears were shed
by c or his mama.

this means that i can
grocery shop by myself,
run errands,
go to scott miller,
and more importantly
sew, sew, sew.

i have two shows coming up.
one september 18th
and the other november 5th.
both are here in rochester.
i applied to one other show,
and should know if i was accepted
in a couple of weeks.

since i have a lot of
work to make,
i am going to create
a sewing schedule
to guide my creating process.

a definite new groove.

where were you?

where were you when the world stopped turning?

i was teaching a class
of freshman students
at Rochester Institute of Technology.

they were in
their 2nd week of classes
experiencing a new life,
a new world, and gaining
new independence.

the world was about
to change in an unthinkable,
unfathomable and unexpected way.

how all of our
lives changed that
september day.

where were you when the world stopped turning?

the most wonderful time of the year

its the most wonderful time of the year...

no, i am not getting in
the holiday spirit early,
i am talking about college football.

the beginning of the
college football season
is a day i look forward to
as soon as the last bowl game is played.

college football means
the beginning of fall,
comfort food,
crisp, cold weather,
and a return to knitting.

college football  means
phone conversation,
text messages,
and email diatribes
the subject is
the games both good and bad.

college football means
a sense of community,
a feeling of family,
a sense of triumph,
and the feeling of despair.

but most of all,
college football means hope.
a hope that on any given saturday
the unexpected, the unbelievable,
and the unthinkable is bound to happen.

a moment or two