shift in perspective

one of the hardest
aspects of cooper's death
for me to wrap my head around
is the fact that we were not there.

ph and i had stepped
out to get coffee
after checking in on cooper,
seeing the surgeon,
and getting the update
from his nurse.

everything was great.
i remember crying and
the surgeon said to me
"dont cry, he did great."

after some encouragement
we ventured down to get
coffee and make phone calls.
we were not gone long.

when we walked back onto
the floor, i noticed a team of people
around cooper's bed.
i said something to ph.
my brain had not caught up
with what my eyes were seeing.

ph saw them administering cpr.
they asked us to wait outside.
it was then that i realized
our road was going to get really bumpy
and later the road would cave in all together.

my brain will never forget
the sequence of events as they unfolded.
but my perspective is shifting with time.

i have always felt so guilty
that we were not there
when his heart stopped.

i wonder if he knew
what was happening.
did he feel alone?
was he scared?

intellectually, i know that
he was heavily medicated
and did not suffer.
but the heart of mother
can play tricks on the mind.

the lesson in yoga the other
night was about the road.
our own personal journey
and how as humans we sometimes
think we are on the wrong path, but
it is really the right one for us.

this changed my perspective.
things unfolded as they were destined
to unfold, as hard as that is for me to admit.
us, not being in the room
when cooper's heart stopped was a gift.

we did not have to hear the alarms
we did not have to see the heart monitor go flat.
we did not have to see or hear the stress on the team's voices.
we saw enough when we walked back in.
we have enough images and details of that day to last a lifetime.

my shift in how i view that detail of december 18th 2008
does not make my heart hurt less.
it does not make me love cooper any less.
it simply allows me to accept  i was exactly
where i needed to be.