new friends

friday afternoon, alli, tommy and baby charlie came over for a visit with my mom, who is in town for the week. and baby charlie made some new friends.

canine behavior

these are our two dogs... bailey and sabre. it is important to note that bailey, the big white bear is my dog, and sabre, the small lap dog is my precious husband's. it should also be noted that these two dogs are the very best of friends and are entertaining to watch play together.

before cooper was born we were curious as to how they would react. i grew up with pyrs and knew that they are excellent with children, very protective and loyal beyond belief, so i wasn't really worried about him being jealous of cooper or hurting him. of course, when we brought cooper home they were very curious and soon settled into their roles. s was very vigilant about watching cooper, he would sit on the couch and keep a watchful eye on him sleeping in his hammock. and any peep he made, and he was very squeaky, would illicit a response from him. he got up in the middle of the night with us, and spent many nights sleeping on the couch with my mom and cooper.

b on the other hand was very aloof. he was the only one in the house who slept through the night. he was curious when cooper squeaked, but not overly concerned by his presence in the house. that is until he was gone. he didn't know what happened or where he went, but he knew it was bad. he tried to absorb our grief and sadness. both dogs were depressed for some time after coopers death.

s would often accompany me into the nursery, but b stayed out. until recently that is......lately b has been coming into the nursery, sniffing every inch of the room and looking in every corner. he even stood on his hind legs to peer into the crib to see if cooper was in there. knowing the mentality and behavior of pyrs, i sure that he thinks it is his fault that cooper is gone, that he somehow didn't do his job and that he lost him.

i am also certain that he knows that i am pregnant again. he has been my constant shadow and nudges me with his nose in the middle of the night to make sure that i am ok. if he is not sleeping on my side of the bed, he is sleeping in front of the nursery. if he could talk, he would tell me in a big booming voice that he will be more vigilant this time around and that he is very excited to meet the bean. as for s, well i am sure that he will be as watchful as ever.

it will be interesting to see how their canine behavior continues to manifest itself over the next few months and once the bean arrives....

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

it is a glorious fall day today! i am certain that we would have celebrated your 11 month birthday with a walk among all the fall color that surrounds us this time of year. i took the dogs on a walk and they loved playing in the piles of leaves. as i was walking i imagined you stomping through those piles.

we saw dr m a few weeks ago. she looked at your brother's heart to make sure it was healthy. it was, which was a relief for us all, dr m included. it was very clear that she stills feels your death very deeply and is haunted by what went wrong. your brother looks alot like you, i shouldn't be surprised by that, but for some reason i was.

your dad and i planted daffodils at your garden a few weeks ago and i cant wait to see them bloom in the spring. they make me feel so much closer to you.

i also finally finished your nursery. you have a special box that lives in our bedroom, things that i made for you, that you wore and special reminders that i wanted to keep. i am also having a dear blogging friend make a book for you, which is going to be quite spectacular. i gave alot of your clothes to an organization that helps others, especially children, so i know that they will be much appreciated. yet another example cooper, of how you continue to touch the lives of others.


when we saw dr m, i also took another box of cooper's flock birds to jen. she has told me that those birds are providing such comfort to families whose children are undergoing surgery, that families hold them close, and that they bring a much needed smile.

i am proud to be your mama, cooper.

loving and missing you always,

mom

handmade holiday update

i thought i would give you a handmade holiday update. I have finished two gifts and should finish a third one tonight. it feels so good to check them off my holiday gift list and to be ahead of schedule this year.

i am also busy working away on holiday cheer for the lucends etsy shop. the fabric below is a little sneak peek of what is to come in the coming weeks. i love the modern take on all things holiday! and while i despise the fact that there is xmas decorations up in the grocery store, i am having fun working with this fabric and imagining my creations on people's holiday tables....

stay tuned for more handmoade holidays updates......

in print

remember this post?

well, the book pure knits is now officially in bookstores and knitting shops across the country. i was in barnes and noble today, and i have to admit that seeing the book on the shelf made my heart go pitter patter. seeing one's name and designs in print can make a girls head swell with pride. yahaira did a fabulous job putting the book together and i think it was well worth the wait!

the mary ellen camisole was named for my maternal grandmother, mary ellen who passed away in september of 2007. she was quite a woman! i know you would have loved her. she turned 80 in may of 2007 and i knit her a cashmere blanket for her gift. she was always cold. i attempted to use the purse stitch, but somehow, i changed it and liked the result. that stitch inspired this garment and i thought it was fitting to name it after my grandmother. in addition, this photo was waiting in my email inbox when i returned home from her funeral.

the dimple v-neck was inspired by one of my favorite stitches, the dimple stitch and my all time favorite yarn, blue sky alpacas alpaca silk. the result is a garment that has immense possibilities. this yarn is a dream to work with and comes in a magnificent array of colors and i love the texture the dimple stitch creates.

this was a great project to work on and its nice to see all the hours of work in print.

thanks for indulging me.......

oh sakes

first there was etsy, now there is foodzie. an online market place for handcrafted and artisan food. oh sakes, i am in love.

mediterranean chocolate. in flavors like hazelnut chocolate and sesame fig, whats not to love?

raspberry chocolate, spiced pear and ginger zucchini jams lovingly handcrafted and beautifully packaged.

a foodie's paradise found.

handmade holidays

**photo from living creatively

the holidays are my all time favorite time of year. i love the traditions that surround the holiday season, the coming together of family and friends, and all the holiday cheer. i still, at the age of 36, have a hard time sleeping xmas eve.

last year the holidays were very difficult, we went through the motions thinking if we did what we knew the pain of cooper's death would some how lessen. my family put on a brave face for my sake, knowing how much i love the holiday season. i don't know what this year will feel like emotionally. but, we are planning on going home to my parents, as long as the bean cooperates. there is nothing more festive than santa fe at at xmas time.

i decided in an attempt to make this holiday season extra special to make everyone's gift. a process i should have started months ago. i have my list made, materials collected and started two gifts this week. a pretty good start.

don't worry, i will share my handmade holidays, after all the gifts have been opened.

do you plan on having a handmade holiday season?

transition

in my heart i always knew that the nursery would be cooper's until there was another baby on the way. until this weekend, i called it cooper's room.

why the change you ask?

well, i finally put all of the clothes, blankets, crib bedding, mobile, toys and other random things of cooper's in a box and sent them on to those who need them more than i. i got alot of unsolicited advice about how to handle the nursery after cooper died. i would smile politely and nod, careful not to give away what the committee in my head wanted to say to those who offered advice. although it took me many months to go through cooper's things, slowly making piles of what i wanted to keep and wanted to give away, i am glad i did it on my timeline. i was totally at peace letting those boxes leave the house this weekend. it like a weight was lighted, like i could finally take a deep breath and it felt good knowing that those boxes will help families who need clothing for their wee ones. most importantly i know that cooper's room has transitioned into the bean's room. and that gives me hope, hope of joyous days to come.

changing color

we have several different varieties of hydrangeas in our yard which provide a profuse amount of flowers during the summer months. seriously, i think have have fresh cut hydrangeas in most rooms of the house during july and august. while they are spectacular during the height of their color, i have fallen in love with their changing colors after they peak. this is my favorite time to cut them, put them in about and inch of water and let them dry out. this way we have color all winter long. a gentle reminder of what is to come after the winter thaw.

ultimate horse woman

remember this post?

well i picked up the quilt last week and the recipient should receive it today, thanks to fed ex. as promised i will tell you more about the person who inspired this quilt.

her name is priscilla. and she lives in new mexico around the bend from my parents. i first met priscilla when i was 17, my parents had just bought a house in galisteo, which is about 20 miles outside of santa fe, and we were there for a fall weekend. my brothers and i were out walking around the village, getting the lay of the land. when we approached priscilla's house, i immediately noticed that she had a riding arena, huge barn and horses. before i knew it, i was walking through her front gate towards the horses. i know, i was trespassing, but it was like showing a small child candy and then telling them they cant have it, they can just look it. the pull of horses was too strong to resist. before i knew it, this strong voice demanded to know what i was doing on her property? and before i could answer, she said i was on private property and told me to leave. from that moment on, every time i went by her house i was terrified she was going to come out and yell at me.

flash forward 10 years, my parents have moved to a bigger house, are living in galisteo full time and have become friends with priscilla. i have no doubt that she knows all about my brothers and i, as well as my love of horses. we are all home for christmas and mom tells us that we are going to priscilla's christmas party, christmas afternoon (it is a very big gathering with lots of fabulous food). i am more than a little nervous about officially meeting priscilla and wonder if she knows that i am the girl, now grown up, who wandered on to her property to see her horses. she could not have been more gracious and acted like she had known me all my life. we instantly connected over our deep love of horses.

from that moment on she was no longer the woman who scolded me all those years ago, but was family. i always look forward to seeing her when we go home. while she has had a huge impact on me, she has touched my precious husband in a way that i can not describe. he absolutely adores her. we are fortunate to have several of her pieces of art and anytime some one new comes to the house, he tells them about her, her work and shows them her book. it is so endearing. but i think what moved him the most was her love, words and support after cooper died. we got a lot of emails and cards during that time, but the thoughts and words she shared with us, have stayed with us.

we were talking one day about how we could thank her for all that she has done for us, especially making 100 cooper candles. we are at a loss, and then i saw the heather ross equestrian themed fabric and decided i would make her a quilt. i knew she would appreciate the fact that it was handmade, but would who better to love the horse fabric than the ultimate horse woman!

a small gift for a woman who has shared her heart and soul with us so that our hearts could heal and who has touched our lives in more ways than she knows.

whew

finally, i feel like we can finally breathe....

we just returned home from our fetal echo cardiogram AND the bean has a perfectly normal heart. i can not even begin to tell you how relieved we are. this was the big hurdle. i can now start to get excited about the bean's arrival in february.

we are going to have another fetal echo at 28 weeks, but that is just for peace of mind. the bean's heart is currently the size of your thumb nail, which is pretty darn small, so the cardiologist likes to take another look when the heart is a little bigger. if there was anything major wrong with the heart it would have shown up today.

thank you for all your well wishes and good thoughts today, its what got us through...

and now on to shopping, knitting and sewing for the bean!

anticipation

the details of coopers surgery and subsequent death are burned into my memory forever. i can tell you with great detail what people said, what they wore, what i wore, what i ate, the looks on peoples faces, the sights and smells of the hospital, and the moment during surgery when my heart started beating rapidly, which i am quite sure is when they decided that the repair was not enough and they needed to put a shunt in coopers heart. i remember every minute detail of those days.

in the days, weeks and even months after dec. 18th, those memories would invade my thoughts, the tapes were on continuous play, particularly in moments of still and quiet or when i was trying to sleep. i could not escape them. as i began to heal, the tapes stopped playing. i know they are still on the shelves of my brain, collecting dust and waiting for their moment of return.

they have remained on those shelves for some time, until this weekend that is and let me tell you, they have been playing nonstop. my precious husband and i have done our best to ignore them, he chopped wood yesterday (we have enough for a very long winter) and i ripped out a new knitting design i am working on 4 times. now, i am quite sure it is due to the anticipation of the fetal echo cardiogram we have this afternoon.

anticipation is the worst part......

photo op

the bean had a photo session today, his 20 week anatomical ultrasound, and he looked just perfect! he weighs 11 ounces, had a heart rate of 139 bmp, and was very active. his photos look very similar to those of his big brothers, i suppose that is to be expected.

we feel relieved and are glad to have that checked off our list. monday we have our fetal echo cardiogram, which is a 2 hour scan of the beans heart. we are anxious, but feel good after today's pics came back normal. i feel like i will be able to breathe after monday.

i couldn't resist sharing the picture of the bean's feet. aren't they cute?

if i.....

if i had an unlimited amount of cash and dollars, i would get my hair blown out once a week at the fabulous scott miller salon.

since i don't have an unlimited amount of cash and dollars, i will settle for having perfectly straight, smooth, shiny hair every 10 weeks. oh how i love, haircut and hi-light days at scott miller.

a girl can always dream right?

at the garden

this morning we went out to coopers garden with the dogs for our sunday morning walk. we also decided it was time to put the daffodil bulbs in the ground. well, my precious husband planted the bulbs in their new home, while i took pictures and held the beasts. we put about 50 bulbs all around the garden. i cant wait to see them in the spring!

can you believe how big the garden has gotten?

wee models

I know that all is right with the world when its 11:30 on friday and i am eating lunch with alli, tommy and charlie. its been a while since we had our friday ritual (baby charlie arrived the end of july and then alli spent 3 weeks in the hospital), but today we resumed our friday tradition. and i thought it would be a good idea to use her darling kids as models. charlie or chuckles (as tommy calls him) was very cooperative, tommy needed a little bribing. luckily alli had some m&ms that did just the trick.

these are some of my favorite pics.

alli and her hubby make pretty cute babies.......