2nd time around

my pregnancy with cooper was pretty uneventful; no morning sickness, no exhaustion, no massive weight gain, or weird cravings. i ate watermelon in the middle of the night and drank gallons of orange juice, but that was the extent of my cravings. i wore my regular jeans until 22 weeks and didn't have to buy maternity under wear or granny panties. it was pretty boring.

ok, i did start having contractions at 25 weeks and went to the hospital 3 different times, but once the doctors figured out there was no risk of preterm labor, my contractions were more of a hassle than anything else. there were some interesting characters in triage and i wish i was blogging back then, because some of the conversations i over heard were just too much.

but this time around, my pregnancy is a bit different. i had a week of morning sickness, well not even that, just felt like i had been binge drinking the night before and i couldn't even have a beer to take the edge off. i have had two cravings, pickles and mcdonalds. i have eaten a jar of pickles a week, but thankfully have only given in to the mcdonalds craving twice. i still drink gallons of orange juice and the fruit is not watermelon but grapes. i started wearing maternity clothes a few weeks ago. and there is no way that i can get my jeans to button. i had to breakdown and buy maternity undies, because mine were either rolling down or riding up. i tell you that was the BEST 40 dollars i have ever spent.

but the most dramatic change this time around is the anxiety. i guess its normal after all that we have been through, but enough already. the hardest thing is that i can articulate very clearly why i have anxiety. i can tell you that i am displacing my anxiety about the pregnancy onto whatever it is i am obsessing about and admit that my fear is irrational. but what i can not seem to be able to do is stop the obsessing and the anxiety it produces. i feel like i am losing my mind. for example, i have been flying on planes for 36 years and have never once thought twice about flying nor been afraid to get on a plane. last week i developed this intense fear of flying and was totally convinced that our plane was going to drop from the sky on wednesday. now, i know this was all connected to the fact that last week alone, i visited a good friend in the hospital almost every day, had to attend a funeral which stirred up all kinds of emotions and waswaiting for the results from the genetic testing which were taking forever. rather than thinking about the "what if's" regarding the bean ( what we are calling the baby, because in the last ultra sound he was a little mexican jumping bean), i chose to "what if "about our plane dropping from the sky. crazy right?

i am feeling better about flying wednesday and am much more rational in my thought process, thanks to a lot of self talk and poking fun of myself.

i can handle having to wear maternity underwear and my pickle cravings, but i can not handle anxiety that stops you in your tracks for the next 26 weeks. i will drive myself and everyone around me nuts! thankfully, i am going to see my obgyn tomorrow to see if she can me something healthy to obsess about!