counting

i have spent alot of time this past year counting, specifically the days and weeks since cooper was born and when he died. every 4 weeks, there is a heart on my calender marking the day he died, and his next months birthday is always the thursday after he died. it was important for me to honor the exact number of days and weeks, rather than the dates he was born, the 27th and died, the 18th.

but something happened this month and my system of counting changed. i am not sure why. i was aware of the heart on the calender, and the subsequent 9 month birthday, but for some reason it didn't feel right, like i needed to start honoring the actual dates. i have learned through this journey to trust my instinct, it is usually right. so i didn't beat myself up over it, but i have thought alot about it. i decided that for whatever reason, i no longer needed to know exactly how many weeks it has been, that i was ready to count by the dates of the events. so this month cooper's 9 month letter will fall on the 27th, honoring the actaul date he was born.

yet another sign that i am healing ever so slightly.