blindsided

it started some time ago
with wegmans cut out cookies.
i ate them quite a bit while i was pregnant
they were our favorite sweet treat.

so i knew that i must have bird cookies at cooper's service.
i knew he liked them too,
because every time i ate one,
he gave me an approving kick.

i have been meaning to order the cookies for sometime.
maybe i was procrastinating.
maybe i didn't want to face the reality that may 2nd was fast approaching.
or maybe my head was trying to protect my heart.

but today was the day,
that i walked into wegmans and placed my order.
i was totally unprepared for the tsunami of grief
that was on the horizon.

"we don't have a bird cookie cutter", she said.
i replied, "can i bring you one?"
i must have birds, its for my son's memorial service.
we called him birdie.

if you bring me a bird cutter, i will make you bird cookies.
how did he die?
his heart stopped.
when?
december.
how old was he?
3 weeks.

there are now huge tears in my eyes.
she told me she was religious and that god has a plan.
more tears.
i am sorry about your son, i have to put my cat to sleep.
she just compared losing her cat, to me losing cooper.
more tears.

i just want to make it to the car.
i told her i would bring the cookie cutter tomorrow.
she said she would make sure the cookies were perfect for cooper.
crying on the way to the parking lot.

in the car, the tsunami hits.
sobbing uncontrollably.
i miss him so much.
on the phone with alli.
why did he have to die?

mascara and tears running down my face, i sat in the car for thirty minutes.
paralyzed by my grief
and the realization that cooper's service is going to be hard.
i thought i could be strong
that i had cried enough tears to get through it.
i thought i could put on a brave face
that maybe the wound had a healed enough.

but that couldn't be further from the truth.
the wound is just as raw as ever,
and i never seem to run out of tears.
the reality sunk in that may 2nd is going to be one
of the most difficult days of my 36 years of life.

closure is needed.
its part of the grief process.
its how you heal.
its how you move forward.

but i really need to get some water proof mascara.