darkness into light

it feels dark today.
my mind has had a hard
time making sense of
the violence that took place
in boston yesterday.

ok, lets be honest.
the violence that seems
to happen with too
much frequency.

my thoughts are
seemingly unconnected,
but they keep bouncing
around in my mind.
so, maybe that means something.

it is easy in times
of darkness to lose faith,
to surrender to the darkness.

it is natural to shut down,
go numb, and close your heart
when the unthinkable happens.
(believe me i know)

anger is easy to embrace.
to want answers,
to want justice.
and accountability.

yes, that is part of the healing.
but it is more important
to keep the heart open.
to search for the light.

by opening up to life.
we continue to live
and it is through living
that we find healing and peace.

it is then that we
can truly come out
of the darkness so
that we can see
and experience the light.

sending lots of love light and peace to boston

xoxo

Tuesday tidbits

* hi there

* how are you?

* I know it has been awhile.

* it was a rough winter.

* and I think the fog is starting to lift.

* I can feel spring in the air.

* I see it in brief glimpses, glimpses that give me hope.

* I battle depression on a regular basis, but it is always worse in the winter.

* this winter it was really bad, a constant struggle.

* to be honest, I had things to say and share but I just couldn't make myself write.

* but today it feels right, like I said the fog is lifting.

* what have been up to?

* well, lucends launched a wholesale line.

* I have been working with an amazing surface designer to create my own fabric line for fall.

* there have been photo shoots, design edits, meetings with my sales rep and craft show applications

* I will be a vendor at the country living fair, put on by country living magazine.

* I am beyond excited and a little bit scared.

* oh , and then there is life with a 3 year old.

* full of fun, laughter, tantrums, funny sayings, play dates and lots of poop.

* yes, we are still battling poop.

*give me strength!

* despite a rough winter, I guess I have been busy!

* but it is good to be back.

* what have you been up to?

Dear Chace

My dear sweet Chace

Happy birthday!

Today you turned 3.
I can't believe it
Has been three years since
You showed us the meaning of love.

This past year
You have come into your own
Become your own person.

You are sweet and funny
You are smart and very precocious
You have an imagination that astounds me.
And you are very stubborn.
( but you come by that very honestly)

You love trains and robots.
You have a tremendous knowledge of animals
You love books and could spend hours reading.
Like, your father you love to be outdoors.

You are extremely social
And have many friends.
Playdates are your favorite
And you look forward to them.

It has been so much fun to watch
You grow and learn and laugh.
Parenting is by far the hardest thing I have ever done
But it is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done.

It is an honor and joy to be your mama.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Happy third birthday sweet boy

Xoxo
Your mama

Overheard

I am one of the room mothers
For Chace's class at school.
I am also the co-chair of
This years fundraising auction for the school.

Each class creates a project to auction off.
The room mothers are in charge of organizing this task.
Since I am a room mom and can sew.
Guess what that means?

Yep. You guessed it.
Chace's class project is a quilt!
My thought was to give each child
A white square of fabric, have them draw a letter of the alphabet
And then have them draw items that start with that letter.

I will then sew the blocks together
And appliqué fabric letters in each block.
I think it will work.
Or at least I hope it will work.

Yesterday was the day
That we created the drawing on the blocks.
We heard some awesome things from the children.

Like:

" I play a angry birds so I am going to draw a red bird"

" my brother is going to be so surprised to see me"

" my mom is really good at drawing penguins"

" I don't know how to draw"

And my personal favorite:

" when my mom gets nervouse she chews her hair"

I am sure the parents of these children
Would be thrilled to know what their kids
Were sharing with the room moms while drawing.

Note to self: maybe I should always be the room mom!

A breakthrough

I hesitate to say this out loud
But I think we have turned a corner
In the potty training department.

Over the Christmas holiday
Chace started telling us when he had
To pee, but the pooping department
Has been a struggle to say the least

Ok, let's be honest
I was a full on battle of wills
He knew it was important to us
So he refused to go anywhere but his underwear.

We even made him clean
His poopy underwear in a bucket 
Of water with gloves in the basement
This did not phase him one bit.

Talk about hardheaded
I don't know where he gets that from!

Then something happened on Wednesday
He started telling us when he had to poop!
I didn't want to get my hopes up.
But since Wednesday all poop has gone
Where it belongs, the toilet.

I am hopeful we have turned the corner.
Ok, beyond hopeful.
The breakthrough over the holidays
Was preceded by two days of absolutely horrible behavior.
We survived two days of such behavior this week.

Fingers crossed people
Fingers crossed!

unexpected strength

there is a distinct scent
that i associate with cooper.
in those early days after his death
that scent could bring me to my knees.
particularly, if it was unexpected.

i have not smelled that in a long time.
until tonight, that is....

i was in the middle of sun salutations
when i caught the all to familiar smell.
i just thought it was my mind
playing tricks on me.

as i continued to move through my practice
the smell got stronger.
then it dawned on me.

we were out of tide and ph
washed the clothes with the baby detergent.
the same one i used on cooper's clothes.
incidentally, i used a different detergent for chace.

an unexpected shift happened.
instead of falling apart when the scent hit my nose.
i dug deep and found an unexpected strength.
i took deeper breathes and stayed present.

i felt his presence in every pose.
in side plank, it was as if my hand
was reaching toward his.
my heart opened up reaching toward
the sky in revolved half moon.
and during shivasana  there was a peace
i haven't felt before.

yes there was an incredible physical strength i felt tonight
but the more meaningful was the emotional strength
that showed up, representing another important step in the healing process.

thank you my sweet cooper
for the gifts you continue to give.
xoxo

morning conversation

thursday morning i was in the shower

chace comes in the bathroom 

and pokes his little face around 

the shower curtain.

he looks and me and the following conversation took place

chace: mommy i have a penis

me: yes you do.

chace: do you have a penis?

me: nope.

chace: i have one, look. 

(he then proceeded to pull down his underwear to show me)

i am not ready.

Resolutions

i mentioned in an earlier post
i  are some resolutions for 2013.
they are more like goals
or promises to myself.

i have them in my head
written down in a place
that no one knows.
but I haven't written them here.
on this blog.

why?
for fear of being vulnerable.
for fear of feeling  imperfect if I could not keep them.
rather than having compassion for myself
for making promises, my fear has kept me
from sharing them with you.

so rather than acting of fear
and keeping them locked away
i am going to act out of love
and post them here.

here we go.

* in 2013 I want to have my blog turned into books. Not books to sell but books for preserve what I have documented over the lat 4 years. Something for Chace when he is older.

* in 2013 also want to write a book using my blog as the guide. This overwhelms me. But I know in my heart that need to do.

* in 2013 i hope to continue to grow lucends. To take the next step while remaining true to myself and allowing the business to grow organically.

* in 2013 I need to go visit some of my friends that live in far away places. I need to see them. They make me a better person. I have said that I am going to visit and the life gets in the way. It's time to go visit.

* in 2013 I need to be kinder to my body. To eat cleaner. To take in less toxins, primarily diet coke. Oh how I love diet coke, esp first thing in the morning. This being said,  I do not want to eliminate it all together. But if I am honest I can cut back.

*in 2013 i would like to work on patience, patience with ph, patience with chace, patience my loved ones and patience with myself.

*in 2013 i would like to work on giving up my need for perfect parenting. i am going to make mistakes, but putting so much pressure on myself make me miss out on the joy of parenthood. chace made need therapy as a result of my parenting, which is not a bad thing, but he will know how much he is loved.

these are my hopes for the year.
thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable
to  be my true self.

xoxo

A shift on the mat

there has been a shift,
a shift taking place
on my yoga mat

i don't know what to make of it, yet.

i noticed it yesterday
and figured it was because
i had not practiced in 3 weeks.
i noted the change and kept moving.

tonight the feeling was still there.
things feel different.
i don't know why, really.

maybe it's because i am not trying so hard.
maybe i am letting myself be vulnerable.
maybe i have let me walls down, inside the studio.
maybe its because i am so hard on myself in my daily life,
that i just am cutting myself some slack.

i cant put my finger on the shift.

i feel more in my body and out of my head.
my thoughts are not bombarding me.
i am listening to my body.
my movements are more deliberate.
i am less focused on message from the instructor,
finding my own message along the way.

i am not sure why the shift has taken place
or what it means.
but for now i am just going to find an acceptance of it.
but i am open to explanations.....

hello? are you still there?

happy 2013.
i hope you and yours had a great holiday.
we had a one filled with family
friends, food, magic and lots of germs.

we are home.
and settling into 2013.
its like a pair of jeans,
you have wear them a while
to decide if they are going to
become your favorite.

i made a list of goals for 2013.
they have earned their own post.
this is a first, but there is so much in my head
it warranted a list.

in the weeks since i last wrote
i have come face to face with the challenges of parenting.
it can be ugly and hard.
but thank goodness for the moments, however fleeting of pure bliss.

i laughed until i cried
while watching this is 40.
the reality of that number sinking in.

i moved through the anniversary
of cooper's death with relative ease.
a sure sign of continued healing.

chace has made significant strides
in the potty training department.
however, much to my chagrin i
am still cleaning poop out of underwear.

i ate my way through the holidays.
gaining 5 pounds in a short period.
oops.

i seem to be reminded of the fragility
of life and the need to live each moment
to the fullest.
it can change in an instant.

i am excited and hopeful
for what this year holds.
i can not wait to share the journey
with you.

xoxo

Playing in my mind

This song is one that reminds me of cooper.
It has been playing in my mind since Friday.

*******************

Who you'd be today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin in the rain
I still can't believe your gone

It ain't fair: you died too young
Like the story that had just begun.
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how much I miss you.
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin no one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder
Who you'd be today?

Would you see the work? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair : you died too young
Like the story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you
All the hell I've been through
Just knowin no one could take your place.
An sometimes I wonder
Who you'd be today?

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I will see you again some day.

no words

there are no words
for the events that took
place today in newtown ct.

there are no words.
there is sadness.
there is outrage.
there is immense grief.
but there are no words.

my heart hurts
for the families of those
precious children whose
lives were cut short.

i wish i could hold
each of their parents.
i would tell them i understand
how their heart is shattered
in a million pieces.

i would tell them
that their grief is my grief.
i would tell them that i feel
the weight of their loss.

i would tell them
that i know this club
they have unwilling entered.

i would hold them close.
i would absorb their tears.
i would listen to their screams.
i would just be there,
knowing that there is nothing
that can make it hurt less.

and i would tell them
that out of the darkness comes light.
it may take days, weeks, months or years,
but the light will come.

they must hold on to the
knowledge and hope that it will come.
and until that day arrives, there are many people
who are shining the light on them
and their sweet precious angels.

Underground

lately,  I have been underground
i haven't had much to say.
but my mind has been busy.
constantly moving while working.

trying to honor the past
while staying in the present.
dreading this time of year
but finding myself viewing the magic
of Christmas through chace's eyes.

music has always played a role in my world
specifically lyrics.
words have the ability to calm me
and help sort out whatever emotion I am feeling.

so while I have been working away in
my sewing room I have been listening
to songs that remind me of cooper
and the emotions this time of year bring.

i thought I would share some of those
songs with you over the next few days.
-----------------------------------------------------

"over  you"

weatherman said its gonna snow
by now I said be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldnt be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the present, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you and I am not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along with every song
I know you didn't mean to leave them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I 'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I'm not going to ever get over you

-miranda lambert
How dare you?
I miss you

happy making

dear cooper

my dear sweet cooper.

it is hard for me to believe that it has been four years since the day you entered the world and changed our lives forever.

i have spent much of today thinking about who you would be today, on your birthday. what kind of party would you choose? who would you invite? would you love cake the way your little brother does?
would you still have blond hair? blue eyes? would you be serious? quiet? or extroverted? what would your voice sound like when you said "i love you mama."? would your love trains? dinosaurs? or would  it be superheros? sports? would you snort when you laughed? would you snuggle up to read books?

the answers to these questions i will never know.

but this i do know about you, you had the ability to look into my soul. to touch my heart like no other. you were wise beyond your years. you were a fighter, strong and determined until your last breath. my time with you made me a better person, a better mother, a more compassionate individual. you taught me more lessons in 3 weeks than i could learn in a lifetime. i feel you with me all the time. you give me the strength to move forward, to push myself, to follow my dreams. you have given me so many gifts. friendships that exist solely because of you. i am grateful beyond words. you taught me that out of such great loss can come great self awareness and clarity.  that how i choose to live is simply a choice every single day. i feel blessed and privileged to have known you, loved you and to know that you are and always will be my child.

i guess today i am a mix of emotions. there is a dull ache in my heart. i am sad. i miss you. but still even four years later, i still believe if given the choice between never knowing you or knowing you for a brief time and losing you, i would still choose the latter.

happy birthday my sweet boy.

love and miss you
mom

thanksgiving

even though cooper's birthday
is still five days away.
i associate this birth with thanksgiving.

in the spirit of being thankful
i thought i would  repost his birth story.
because i am so thankful that i am his mom!

***************************************************************************

my dear sweet precious cooper,

a year ago today you entered the world, stole our hearts and forever changed our lives. oh, how i wish we were celebrating your first birthday and making new memories, instead of holding on to the memories of your short time with us.

the night before you were born, your dad and i were about to fall asleep and we told you that it would be perfectly fine with us if you wanted arrive early. i had this gut feeling that you would be born on thanksgiving day and it would get us out ofthanksgiving dinner. you must have heard us talking and decided to indulge our wish, or maybe you somehow knew you would only be here a short while. whatever the reason, your early arrival gave us a full 3 weeks with you and for that i am grateful.

i slept fairly well that night and woke up at 5:30 because i was uncomfortable and had to go to the bathroom. it was then that my water broke and i just smiled to myself. i woke up your dad to tell him i thought it was time and went downstairs to call the doctor. he said to make our way to the hospital. iwasn't having contractions and wasn't in any pain, so i knew we had some time. your dad made coffee and i headed upstairs to pack our bag. we had been talking about how we should pack the hospital bag, but just never got around to it. i grabbed a diet coke on the way out the door and we arrived at the hospital around 6:30.

and then we waited, and waited and waited. since it was thanksgiving, the nurses worked shorter shifts, so we had three different ones by the time you were born. we watched alot of football games and waited. finally at 10 pm, after 16 hours of waiting your heart rate started to elevate and the dr decided that it was best if he delivered you via c-section.

you were born at 10:51 pm on thursday november 27th, 2008. when the nurses showed you to me, i immediately noticed your blond hair and that your hairline was the same as mine, a family trait without a doubt. you reached out and touched my face, as if you knew what lie ahead and were telling me it would be ok. the nurses then took you, cleaned you up and you met your dad. i love how you held on to his finger for strength and courage. after they finished sewing me up they let me hold you while they wheeled us to recovery. i remember thinking, "i cant believe they are letting me hold my baby, i am so drugged, aren't they afraid i will drop him?"

once we got to the recovery room, the nurse was about to hand you to me when she noticed that you looked a little blue. so they took you away and started doing tests. it seemed like an eternity before they told us that you needed to go to the nicu at strong and that you would be transported by ambulance. it felt like someone had ripped my heart out, i just met you and they were taking you away. little did i know how my heart would shatter in the coming weeks.

all i wanted to do was get out of the hospital and get to you. when we finally were able to see you, love you and hold you, i knew that my heart was no longer mine, it belonged to you and i would do whatever necessary to keep you safe.

cooper, there isn't a day that goes by that i don'tmiss you, that my heart doesn't ache to hold you, or wonder what you would be like on your first birthday. but i know this,by having you, knowing you and loving you, i am a better person and will be a better mother to your little brother. you changed me and for that i am grateful.

happy birthday cooper austin!

loving and missing you always

mom

the doctor

this time of year, i spend
a great deal of time
with my thoughts.
some are memories
some are "what if's"
some are me trying to reconcile
the past with the present.

lately, i have been thinking
about the gifts that cooper
gave me  and how grateful
i am for those gifts.

the most unexpected gift is the
friendship that has slowly blossomed
with his cardiologist, dr m,
over the last 4 years.

i first met dr m in the waiting
room of nicu,  some 30 odd hours
after giving birth and learning
that my son was born with a heart defect.

she had spent more time
with our newborn son than his parents.
we were anxious to hold him in our arms
and spend time with him.

dr m understood this but 
knew there was much to explain.
she had a calm and confidence about
her that put me at ease, despite the fact
that my world was spinning out of control.

she was kind and compassionate.
she answered our questions,
even ones that in hindsight seem so trivial.
like will he be able to play hockey? or ski?

she wasnt condescending when
i realized for the first time
that "surgical repair" meant open heart surgery.
she explained in a very calm voice that one day
the girls would love the scar over his heart.

we left that meeting with a plan.
a plan that would be driven
by cooper's heart and
could change at any given moment.
we did not know the journey we were on,
or that our relationship would extend
beyond the walls of a medical office.

i remember many details about that day.
the shock, pain and sadness, but when i reflect
on the morning of december 18th,
 i am incredibly grateful.
grateful that dr m was cooper's doctor.

i will never forget her coming out to the
waiting room to give us an update.
i knew i needed to call my parents to
tell them to come to the hospital.
i could not do it, so i asked her to call.
ok, i basically threw my phone in her hands.

looking back i realize the enormity
of that request.
i was asking her to not only call my father,
the grandfather of her patient,
but to call a fellow doctor, as well.

i know how difficult this was 
and I will be forever grateful.

the heart team doesn't lose many patients.
they have a very high success rate. 
i know how heavy cooper's death
weighed on their hearts. 
i saw it in their tears, in their sadness
and in the way that they said goodbye to our sweet baby.

here we are four years later,
i will never understand why cooper died,
but, i am certain that he brought
dr m and i together .
some how he knew that we needed each
other, even if we didn't realize it yet.

i imagine that dr m doesn't get the opportunity
to know the families of her patients outside
of the hospital, especially the families 
of those children who don't make it.

it is my hope that watching ph, chace and i
dr m finds some peace knowing that despite
such heartbreak there can be healing, joy, and happiness.
as the daughter of a doctor who loses more patients
than he saves, I understand that doctors are human.
they are not god and even when everything goes 
as hoped, the outcome can be the one that no one wants.

for me, seeing dr m at yoga
makes me feel like all is right in the world.
having her on the mat next to me
brings me a peace and connection to cooper 
that i can not explain.

perhaps it is knowing that he brought us together
or that our lives are forever changed because of him

this I do know,
i am grateful that dr m was his dr
and more importantly that she is my friend. 

Introducing...

Have you met the newest member of our family?

Before you get excited....

It's not a puppy or a pony

We are not expecting another child.

Let me repeat.

We are not expecting another child.

Although this project has taken 

Almost 9 months to complete.

Last April I embarked on a path to take

My business go the next level.

To get serious about my work, thus 

Making my creative endeavors 

More than hobby .

Scary. Yes!

But I believed in my product.

Believed that this is part of cooper's gift

And I owed it to him, myself and my family

To take a leap of faith.

To follow my heart

My dreams

And leap!

I am so proud to share

Lucends.com with you.

I am giddy, nervous, excited, 

Anxious, scared and inspired 

By what the future holds.

And I hope you will come along 

On the journey!

Xoxo

Luc

time

time flies by.
time stands still.
time heals all wounds.
i need more time.
all i have is time.
take your time.
time marches on.

these phrases we use
and hear every single day.
and it has got me thinking about time
and what it means to me.

when i went to vote on tuesday
it was heavy on my mind.
the last presidential election
i was very pregnant with cooper.
i was counting down the days
till his arrival.

i want time to speed up
because i was tired of being pregnant
and wanted to meet my son.
i wanted to time to slow down
because i wanted to enjoy doing nothing
but knitting and watching law and order.

when he was born and we learned of
his heart defect i wanted time to stop.
i knew somewhere in my heart,
in my soul that my time with him
would be limited.

after his death, i heard
"time will heal your heart"
or "give it time, it will get easier"
my heart hasn't healed,
but it is not so raw all the time.
there is a scar over my wounded heart
that sometimes is ripped off.
but when the scar is there, the loss
is easier to live with...

early on i counted his absence in
minutes, hours and days.
i am still aware of those things
but it does not dictate my day.
i am acutely aware of it as we approach
his birthday and anniversary of his death.
but i think that is normal.

you see, i have learned this about time.
it waits for no one.
i have a choice
i can focus on time lost,
not having enough time,
or wishing time would move faster
or i can live in THIS moment.
enjoying every second, minute and hour
that i have today, with chace,
ph, my family and friends.

because the only way to really grasp time
is to fully live it.

i want to be a hedgehog

around the end of september
chace and i started talking about
what he wanted to be for halloween.

he looked at me with a
blank look in his eye,
as is if to say, what is halloween?

i pulled up the pottery barn kids website
and we started looking at costumes.
each one we came to, he said "no"

then all of sudden, a hedgehog was on the screen
his eyes got big and lit up.
he pointed to the screen
and said "i want to be a hedgehog, mamma"

so, we ordered the costume.
when it arrived and we opened the box.
he wanted nothing to do with it.
he would not try it on
he said he didnt want to be a hedgehog.

i didnt push it.

i would ask him what he was going to be for halloween.
"i am going to be a hedgehog, but i dont want to wear the costume,"
was the standard response he gave.
he remained steadfast in his refusal to wear his costume.

so we have a really cute hedgehog costume
hanging in the closet
and a mama who is hoping he will wear it next year.

happy halloween!