stillness

i have a hard time being still.
i fidget.
i knit.
i embroider.
and if i not doing those.
i squirm.

physical stillness is hard for me.
mental stillness is harder.
i have a to do list on my phone.
sewing lists on by sewing wall.
recipe lists in the kitchen.
and a million lists in my brain.

my mind is always moving.
it does not like to be still.
i have always been a type a personality.
but the discomfort that come with stillness
has increased since cooper died.

i guess it makes sense.
if i am too still
the thoughts creep in,
the images flash,
the sadness overtakes
and the tears flow.

i am going into my third week of yoga.
i have been going three times a week.
the physical aspect is hard.
but i like that, it makes me feel strong.
the sweat feels good.
like my body is crying big gigantic tears.

but the stillness is really hard for me.
especially at the end of class.
when we lie there in darkness.
being present.
being still
listening to the sound of our breath.

my mind wanders.
my toes twitch.
and my eyes open.
i am so relieved when that part is over.

i am hoping that this practice
will help me learn to not only tolerate
but welcome the stillness.
and that being still physically and mentally
will become a welcome state, rather than one of discomfort.