sun salutations, sweat and tears

thursday night i attended
a new to yoga class.
it is a three week class
for those who are brand new to yoga.

i was nervous
intimidated
and a little skeptical
about the idea of practicing yoga.

i told myself
it would be good for me.
it would help my back.
and give me some "me" time.

it was less awkward
than i thought it would be
the teacher was great
and i cant wait to go back next week.

the only real hiccup
was that i cried.
yes, i said i cried.

it was the end of class
and erica was taking us through
the meditation part of yoga.
i dont know what it was
but the tears started.

i tried to keep it in check
so that people would not
know i was crying and think
i was a total nut case.

but i am pretty sure
that erica noticed
the tears.

later that evening
i fell apart at the seams.
i was a mess.

i missed cooper.
my heart hurt.
i was sad.
i was angry.

the thing is,
my heart is scarred forever.
i do not have time
to think about what happened.
cooper's death does not
consume my every thought,
like it used to.

but it is still there.
it will always be there.
and sometimes it becomes too big
for the box that i keep it in
and the emotions overflow.

thursday night
i was still enough
to hear the box rattling,
for the emotions to break free,
and the tears roll.

i think that the mental practice
of yoga will be
just as important as the physical practice.
i need to learn to be still
without coming completely unglued.