on this thursday

thursdays are odd days, a mix of joy and sadness. cooper's birth and death occurred on thursdays.

in the months after cooper died i realized just how many babies are born with heart defects, thanks to the world of blogging. at first i read every babies' story, but i soon realized that this was counterproductive and did not help me with my own grief. it kept me in a constant state of tears and made me angry that some of these children had much more complicated heart issues than cooper, and they were alive and he was gone. but then i realized that every heart case is different and comparing them all to cooper was torturing myself. so i stopped reading.

but there is one blog that i periodically check in on from time to time. and this week i learned that baby stellan is literally fighting for his life (see his button on my sidebar). my heart aches for this baby, his parents, siblings and all who love him. i admire their strength, courage and faith in the midst of a very terrifying and difficult situation.

so, on this thursday, i am thinking of cooper, but i am also thinking about baby stellan and his family. and i know that cooper is watching over him. i would love to send them a cooper bird, but have no idea where to send it.......

warning, the words you are about to read could be harsh to your ears

i believe i have mentioned on this blog before, that my precious husband and i were married to other people, the wrong people, before we found each other. when i got married the first time at the tender age of 25, i did not think twice about giving up my last name and taking my husband's name, in a sense becoming a new person.

some time after my divorce, i decided it was time to take my name back. and let me tell you it is much more difficult to reclaim your old name than it ever was to create a new name for yourself. it was then that i realized that i would NEVER change my name again. i know, never say never, but this was something i was certain about. and besides, i liked my name and the family that i call mine, why would i want to give it up.

when my precious husband and i began talking about creating a life together, i informed him, very matter of factly that i had no intention of taking his name and that our children would have both of our last names. it was something that i felt very strongly about and fortunately for me, he could have cared less what last name i chose to use. and besides, he told me, our children are a product of both of us, so they should have both of our names.

now, i know that there are plenty of people out there who may not agree with me or see my thoughts as feminist propaganda. but it was my choice. and what i do not understand is people who do not respect that choice. we get mail all the time addressed to "mr and mrs jamey gerenski". i hate to tell you, there is no "mr and mrs jamey gerenski" living in this house. i am not talking about junk mail or form letters, this is genuine mail from people who know that my last name is snyder, not gerenski. and every time i see it, it makes me cringe. i want to ask, are you trying to be disrespectful? or are you just too lazy to write out two names on the envelope? i do not understand how such a simple task can be so difficult for people, after all we are living in 2009, spouses having different last names is certainly not a new phenomena.

so do me a favor, if you ever send me mail please address it to lucinda snyder.

thank you for reading my rant, i will try to keep my ranting ways to a minimum, so as not to offend.

puppy breath

no, he is not mine, but he is related.

friday afternoon i got a call from my brother to tell me that he had some news to share. i immediately thought he was going to say he was getting married, but no, he informed me he was coming to rochester to pick up his new 10 week old newfoundland puppy.

he arrived this morning and we went to denali farms in victor, ny to meet the newest 4 legged member of the snyder family. and boy is he cute! but i have to admit, b and s are very glad that cash is only passing through.

it doesnt get much better than puppy breath on a summer day.

u pick

when i was a toddler, we lived in lexington, ky. this was the place where i fell in love with horses and fruit. to hear my parents tell it, they would take me to the u pick strawberry farms and plop me down in between the rows and i would stuff my little face with strawberries. there is nothing better than fresh fruit in the summer, i can not get enough of it.

west texas is not the most fertile location on earth. sure, cotton, mesquite and tumbleweeds do grow, but there are no u pick farms in west texas. so you can imagine my delight when i moved to upstate new york and discovered all the fruit farms. i was in heaven.

this morning my precious husband and i went to one of the farms not far from our house to pick cherries and raspberries. and true to form, i picked one for the basket and one for my mouth. i have a feeling that i could eat enough cherries and raspberries today to make myself sick. but i just cant help myself, they are so tasty. just look at the size of them.....

coveting

i know i learned in catholic schools, that " thou shall not covet", but i cant help myself. i want this bed. i think it would be just perfect for the whimsy quilt. i guess i better start saving my pennies.

straight out of a fairytale

this lily is right outside our front door and it reminds me of something you would see in a fairytale. first of all it is at least 6 inches taller than me, there are 14 flower buds on it (currently 8 are open) and it is has the most ginormous flowers i have ever seen. i imagine it going all the way to the sky, the perfect gateway to land where all your dreams come true.

plans

i can vividly remember asking jen, the cardiac social worker, "what do i do with coopers room?" before we left the hospital the day he died. her response was "everyone deals with it differently, you will know what to do when the time is right." i have spent alot of time planning how i would deal with his room, when the time came, but despite all my planning, i have not been able to put that plan into action.

about a month ago it hit me while i was getting ready for bed. my inability to put the plan into action was preventing me from getting pregnant. i had gotten through those first weeks, the memorial service, the autopsy, going to the hospital for the first time, dropping off coopers flock, and a million other difficult moments that make up this journey of grief. this was the one obstacle i had not tackled. after that thought hit me, i broached the subject with my grief counselor. he understands just HOW much i think about things and i walked him through my thought process. i even went so far as to buy a box for the things of coopers that i wanted to keep. but every time i made a date with myself to start, i was unable. i would just sit on the floor in his room, sometimes i would cry and other times i just sat there immobilized by the enormity of the task. at first i was hard on myself, but then decided i would know when the time was right and maybe i shouldn't put pressure on myself, the plan wasn't going anywhere, it could wait until i was ready.

fast forward to saturday. it was a bad day, the kind i hadn't had in weeks. it was one of those days that the pain was just too much and for whatever reason the wound was so open and raw. i missed cooper desperately and my heart ached to hold him and see his sweet little face. i was restless and spent most of the day in tears. for some reason i went into cooper's room and sat on the floor. i began looking at all this tiny clothes, smelling the ones he wore hoping for a glimpse of him, examining the sweaters i knit and reading the books i so painstakingly picked out for him at the bookstore. during that time, i calmed down and was able to find the peace i was looking for earlier. and without even realizing it, i began to make piles. piles of things i wanted to keep, things i wanted to donate and things i didn't know what to do with. i must have spent 2 hours in his room, just being with his stuff and feeling closer to him.

i didn't get very far and there are still piles all over the floor, but it was a start. and as far as plans go, well the sometimes the best plan is not having one.

pretty please....

smitten

dear andrew,

its your aunt luc. i wanted to write you a letter to let you know that i am officially smitten with you. your uncle jamey has always been crazy about you, from the moment you were born. in fact, the reason you came over for dinner sunday night was because he wanted to see you. don't get me wrong, i have always loved you, but it was not until this weekend that i realized you had stolen my heart.

let me explain. in the days, weeks and even months after cooper died it was hard for me to be around you. in part because you and cooper's newborn pictures were so much alike. you could tell without a doubt that you were cousins. seeing you was a constant reminder of what i lost. it was also difficult to see so much fuss made over you while my heart was breaking. your uncle jamey kept telling me that is wasn't your fault and you didn't understand why i was so sad. i knew in my heart that in time, i could be around you without hurting or being reminded of cooper.

and this weekend, it happened, for the first time there wasn't that all too familiar ache in my heart. maybe it was watching you play in the pond with your uncle jamey, pull the bark off the tree, amuse yourself on the lawn mower, try to pick up the pot of flowers, or the way you posed for the camera that stole my heart. but whatever it was, it happened and i am just smitten.

thank you for being patient with me.


love you lots

aunt luc

a view of the top

over the weekend i finished the whimsy quilt and i thought i would share it with you. i am having someone else quilt it on a machine, so i have to wait a few weeks for my designated time slot. i am just tickled with the result, of course having fabulous fabric always helps the cause. i just love how it looks against our creamsicle orange wall, don't you?

friday knitting

today i give you a work in progress...... a summer blanket knit in colors that resemble sherbert and stitches that remind me of ocean waves. a perfect combination for a lazy summer afternoon.

please enjoy....

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today marks what would have been your 32nd week of life. it is so hard for me to believe it has been that long since you were born. in some ways the time has flown by and in others it feels like an eternity since i held you, perhaps it is because i miss you so. all the developmental books say that during this month you would begin crawling. if you took after me, you would be close to walking by now. your mama walked when she was 9 months old.

your dad and i spent the holiday weekend in florida. it was nice to get away and be near the water. it is so healing for me. one evening we were at the beach watching the sunset and there was this little boy playing in the sand. he had the blondest hair, it was almost white, and all i could see was you. it broke my heart into a million little pieces, knowing we would never get to watch you play at the beach.

i had the thought a few weeks ago that it was time to do something with your nursery, that maybe my lack of dealing with it was preventing me from getting pregnant. i had my plan of attack all worked out in my head. a simple plan with small steps. i would begin by boxing up your things that i wanted to keep, but did not want to pass down to another baby. it seemed easy enough, and i even bought a box. but i just haven't been able to start. i have spent some time in your room, looking at your tiny clothes, books and toys, but i every time i make the move to start putting things in a box, i get overwhelmed with what to keep. maybe its because until i know another baby is on the way, it will always be your room.

we see you lately in the hummingbird that has taken to the lavender by the front window. you usually appear when i am sitting on the couch knitting and seeing you brings me such comfort and peace.

cooper, not a day goes by that i don't think about you and miss you with all my heart.

loving you always
mom

in bloom

the one benefit of all the rain we have had is that our yard is in FULL bloom....

to the beach and back

friday morning we boarded a plane for hot and sunny florida where we spent the 4th of july weekend with friends. we had a grand time playing in the water, soaking up the sun, watching fireworks and eating lots of good food. my new beach bag was perfect for the beach, packed with sunscreen, a good book, my life is good visor, ipod and jcrew head scarves. a glorious time as had by all!

it was the perfect weekend getaway, but there is something about returning home that is so sweet.

i hope you had a great holiday weekend.

inspired

i purchased this book over the weekend and i cant stop looking at it. it is a beautiful book, with great patterns, an amazing use of color and loads of inspiration.