on this thursday

thursdays are odd days, a mix of joy and sadness. cooper's birth and death occurred on thursdays.

in the months after cooper died i realized just how many babies are born with heart defects, thanks to the world of blogging. at first i read every babies' story, but i soon realized that this was counterproductive and did not help me with my own grief. it kept me in a constant state of tears and made me angry that some of these children had much more complicated heart issues than cooper, and they were alive and he was gone. but then i realized that every heart case is different and comparing them all to cooper was torturing myself. so i stopped reading.

but there is one blog that i periodically check in on from time to time. and this week i learned that baby stellan is literally fighting for his life (see his button on my sidebar). my heart aches for this baby, his parents, siblings and all who love him. i admire their strength, courage and faith in the midst of a very terrifying and difficult situation.

so, on this thursday, i am thinking of cooper, but i am also thinking about baby stellan and his family. and i know that cooper is watching over him. i would love to send them a cooper bird, but have no idea where to send it.......

birdie monday

prior to cooper's death i never paid much attention to birds, but now they seem to be EVERYWHERE. i know that it is mainly because i am more aware of them and they have a significant meaning for me, they are my connection or life line to cooper.

this morning as i was putting on my shoes to go to the gym i looked out the window and saw the most amazing cardinal sitting in one of the evergreen trees in the backyard. i knew it was cooper telling me that he is ok and that he is with me, always. as soon as i got up, he flew away. it is moments like this that make me believe in something greater, in some higher power. and that moment will help me get through this very cold and grey monday.

and now for the newest members of coopers flock, these darling birds flew in last week from: santa barbara, ca, essex jct, vt, santa cruz, ca, alpharetta, ga and switzerland. they are just precious and are going to bring so much comfort to so many families.

and finally, i found this pillow, that i just have to have......

wishing a birdie monday.....

the answer is, there is no answer

in my heart i knew i would never know why cooper died, but to hear the doctors tell me that the cause of death was unknown yesterday was harder than i expected. that as medical professionals, they did not have the answer that i so desperately wanted to hear. that for some reason beyond their comprehension, cooper's little heart just gave up. i understand that aspect of medicine, that sometimes there just isnt a reason for what happens, that even when doctors do everything right the outcome isnt the one you hope for, and that there are many aspects of the human body that are still very much a mystery, but not when its my baby, my birdie, my cooper.

its hard for me to accept that this is the way its meant to be or that this was fate. what kind of god or higher power chooses that for someone? its hard to accept that my precious husband and i were just dealt a bad hand or that losing cooper was written in the stars. or that cooper was only meant to be in this world for 21 days.

and then i think about coopers legacy....and i know that coopers legacy will last a lifetime and that does bring me some peace. i think about the two children in different parts of the globe who can now see the world around them because of cooper and know that is part of his legacy. i think about the families that will benefit from the ronald mcdonald house, thanks to people who have donated gifts in honor of cooper and know that is part of his legacy. i think of the families and children that will receive a coopers flock bird and know that is part of his legacy. i think of the emails i have recieved about how sharing my journey has helped others and know that too is part of his legacy. and then i think maybe, just maybe the answer is in his legacy.

but not having the answer is still very hard to accept