plans

i can vividly remember asking jen, the cardiac social worker, "what do i do with coopers room?" before we left the hospital the day he died. her response was "everyone deals with it differently, you will know what to do when the time is right." i have spent alot of time planning how i would deal with his room, when the time came, but despite all my planning, i have not been able to put that plan into action.

about a month ago it hit me while i was getting ready for bed. my inability to put the plan into action was preventing me from getting pregnant. i had gotten through those first weeks, the memorial service, the autopsy, going to the hospital for the first time, dropping off coopers flock, and a million other difficult moments that make up this journey of grief. this was the one obstacle i had not tackled. after that thought hit me, i broached the subject with my grief counselor. he understands just HOW much i think about things and i walked him through my thought process. i even went so far as to buy a box for the things of coopers that i wanted to keep. but every time i made a date with myself to start, i was unable. i would just sit on the floor in his room, sometimes i would cry and other times i just sat there immobilized by the enormity of the task. at first i was hard on myself, but then decided i would know when the time was right and maybe i shouldn't put pressure on myself, the plan wasn't going anywhere, it could wait until i was ready.

fast forward to saturday. it was a bad day, the kind i hadn't had in weeks. it was one of those days that the pain was just too much and for whatever reason the wound was so open and raw. i missed cooper desperately and my heart ached to hold him and see his sweet little face. i was restless and spent most of the day in tears. for some reason i went into cooper's room and sat on the floor. i began looking at all this tiny clothes, smelling the ones he wore hoping for a glimpse of him, examining the sweaters i knit and reading the books i so painstakingly picked out for him at the bookstore. during that time, i calmed down and was able to find the peace i was looking for earlier. and without even realizing it, i began to make piles. piles of things i wanted to keep, things i wanted to donate and things i didn't know what to do with. i must have spent 2 hours in his room, just being with his stuff and feeling closer to him.

i didn't get very far and there are still piles all over the floor, but it was a start. and as far as plans go, well the sometimes the best plan is not having one.