i am emotionally exhausted. i am spent, the tank is on empty.
i am tired of grieving and mourning cooper. i am ready to be done. ready to put it on a shelf. save it for a rainy day or when i want to deal with those emotions. i remember when R looked at me and said that year 2 is often harder for parents than year 1. i thought he was crazy. well, he may have a point.
i have been missing cooper lately and let me tell you, it is a delicate dance i do between mourning him and being excited over chace. a constant ebb and flow of emotions, of wear and tear on my heart. you see while chace has helped to mend my heart, to give me purpose and make us a family, the scar on my heart has reopened. chace looks so much like cooper, that his death is tangible once again, not some series of events recorded in my head. i am constantly reminded of what i lost. and with that reminder comes a fear that i will be forced to endure another loss. its easy for my mind to go there, because i know what that road is like, fortunately i have the ability to stop myself. but this is hard, especially when you are sleep deprived.
the perception i have is that people (family, friends and acquaintances) think that i am better, now that chace is here. that i have somehow moved on from losing cooper. this does not happen. losing a child is not something one gets over, like a cold. someone asked my mom about us having another child. my mom replied, that she didn't think we would have any more. and the response was i never thought of lucinda only having one child. if i had been a part of that conversation, i would have reminded them that i have two children, one of them is no longer alive, but i have two. i know i cant worry about other people and what they think, but i want those who know me, friends and family alike, to acknowledge that i am still grieving, that my heart still hurts, that i miss cooper terribly and to be patient with me. and don't be offended if i don't let you hold chace, i still feel very protective of my little bean.
yes, i am over the moon about chace. he is perfect. i love him more that i can express. there is not a baby who is more loved or wanted then him. no, i will not be in this emotional place forever. it is part of the healing journey, part of the process and i need to work through it.