i am

Friday, March 19, 2010

TIRED..... and i am not talking about the kind of tired that comes from lack of sleep.

i am emotionally exhausted. i am spent, the tank is on empty.

i am tired of grieving and mourning cooper. i am ready to be done. ready to put it on a shelf. save it for a rainy day or when i want to deal with those emotions. i remember when R looked at me and said that year 2 is often harder for parents than year 1. i thought he was crazy. well, he may have a point.

i have been missing cooper lately and let me tell you, it is a delicate dance i do between mourning him and being excited over chace. a constant ebb and flow of emotions, of wear and tear on my heart. you see while chace has helped to mend my heart, to give me purpose and make us a family, the scar on my heart has reopened. chace looks so much like cooper, that his death is tangible once again, not some series of events recorded in my head. i am constantly reminded of what i lost. and with that reminder comes a fear that i will be forced to endure another loss. its easy for my mind to go there, because i know what that road is like, fortunately i have the ability to stop myself. but this is hard, especially when you are sleep deprived.

the perception i have is that people (family, friends and acquaintances) think that i am better, now that chace is here. that i have somehow moved on from losing cooper. this does not happen. losing a child is not something one gets over, like a cold. someone asked my mom about us having another child. my mom replied, that she didn't think we would have any more. and the response was i never thought of lucinda only having one child. if i had been a part of that conversation, i would have reminded them that i have two children, one of them is no longer alive, but i have two. i know i cant worry about other people and what they think, but i want those who know me, friends and family alike, to acknowledge that i am still grieving, that my heart still hurts, that i miss cooper terribly and to be patient with me. and don't be offended if i don't let you hold chace, i still feel very protective of my little bean.

yes, i am over the moon about chace. he is perfect. i love him more that i can express. there is not a baby who is more loved or wanted then him. no, i will not be in this emotional place forever. it is part of the healing journey, part of the process and i need to work through it.


  1. Having lost a baby too, it helps me to remember that the grief comes in waves, and it won't always be this bad. You'll have good days again. Be patient with yourself.

  2. I wish I was there to sit with you. To listen to you grieve. And heal. And hurt. And cry. And to hug you. And to tell you that it's okay to miss Cooper. It's okay to be scared for Chace. And it's okay to be going through exactly what you're going through.

    Even though I can't imagine what it must be like for you. I know how much you need your friends. Your blogees. Your family. And I want you to know that we ARE here for you. I am here for you.

    And I have to constantly remind myself that your wounds did not magically heal with Chace's birth, and that, as you just said, they likely reopened even deeper.

    Sometimes I look at Elena playing, while I am holding Stella, and I ache for you. For what you have lost. For what your heart has missed in not getting to see Cooper grow. And then I glance at Stella in my arms as a tear falls on her bald old-man head, and I warm a little. Smiling because you are at least getting to know it now. That Cooper is with you as you bob up and down trying to quiet his brother's screams, and that he sends birds to perch on your window and watch as you and PH and the bean all sleep.

    You have so many special gifts, Luc. Your heart has been through more than any should have to endure. And yet, you are one of the warmest, kindest, most giving and loving people I know and I feel honored to call you my friend. Even IF we've never offically met! :)

    Hang in there.
    Be peaceful.
    Watch the daffodils pop through the hard, cold ground. And miss your boy.
    Sob, if you need to.
    And then, as you're desperately gasping for air between the cries, hold your precious bean. And love BOTH of your sons. Together. And know that you are surrounded my immense amounts of love.
    And joy.


  3. My heart aches for you. I can only imagine what you are going through with the roller coaster emotions of a new baby to love who yet reminds you of the baby who is gone from your arms.
    I learned so much in my grief support group several years ago. The group leader lost her teenage son in a tragic accident 16 years previous. She still misses him and wishes she could've watched him grow into manhood. She reminded us that you never get over the loss of a loved one. Rather you incorporate that loss into your life.She was able to transform her grief into a ministry of grief support.Each of us deals with our losses in our own way. A year is really a very short time in the grief process. Cooper will remain part of your life forever. And yes, you do have 2 sons, but only one remains here on earth.
    Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing.Add to that the hormonal effect of postpartum and it's a recipe for depression, even if you hadn't suffered Cooper's loss. It's OK to enjoy and cherish Chace and to miss and grieve for Cooper at the same time.
    I've always been a planner and an overachiever. I had a plan for my life and did whatever it took to make that plan a reality. No matter the challenge, I would strive to make my dreams come true. What I've learned is that I'm not in control and life presents me with situations not of my choosing, not in my plan. It's not fair, I cry, but life is not always fair. Do I still grieve over lost dreams? Yes. I'm still struggling with coming to terms with life as it is not as I had planned it to be.
    Know that you are loved and you are suupported by those who love you. People who have not endured what you have may sometimes say the wrong things and unknowingly cause you pain. Try to let that roll off your back, if you can. Do not allow others to diminish what you feel and what you are going through. It is real and it is hard.
    Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers as you continue on your journey. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  4. Lucinda--

    Bless your huge and aching heart, Cooper's heavenly one and Chace's tiny one.