familiar yet different

Monday, February 22, 2010

i have been trying to gather my thoughts for this post for the last couple of days. i am not sure if they are crystal clear, but i needed to get them out of my head.

so here we go.

i was unprepared for the emotional roller coaster than accompanies having a baby. when you couple those emotions with what we experienced over the last year, well you have the makings of an emotional train wreck. i know, hormones can bring on the tears like lake ontario can bring on the snow, that what i am feeling is normal. but it makes me feel like i am losing my mind.

i dont remember being this emotional with cooper. i was emotional, but i had a reason to be, my baby was facing open heart surgery. the bean is perfectly healthy. but yet i seem to cry for no real reason. dont get me wrong, i am over the moon about the bean. we are a family. i fall more in love with his sweet face, funny personality, little fingers and noises every day. but there are moments when my heart aches like it hasn't in a long time. there are times when i look at him, and all i see is cooper and i grieve for him all over again. or when i feel guilty for loving him as much as cooper, that somehow i am betraying my first born. oh, what a mother's heart can feel. i know that the bean is cooper's way of helping us heal and mend. that he knows how much i love him and that wont change. i also know that these emotions are part of my healing and journey. but it is harder than i imagined.

i remember being sore after my c-section with cooper, but not this slow to recover. then i remember that i have had my gut slashed open twice in the last 15 months, i should be sore.

i have come to the conclusion that i was in shock after cooper was born and functioned on adrenaline, therefore i don't remember emotions or pain. and that postpartum hormones really suck.


  1. I would be amazed if you could get through the next while without these feelings. You probably were in shock and not registering a lot of the feelings going on when Cooper passed and now some of those feelings are being triggered by having a new baby.
    I have a very different situation in my life right now but with some similarities. I lost my first child to suicide 12 years ago, when he was almost 18. Now, my remaining child, at 24 is experiencing some very intense problems, including mental issues that have her feeling suicidal. During the course of getting her help and dealing with the repercussions of picking up the pieces of her wrecked life, I have been experiencing a lot of PTS, and what feels like bleed through memories of things that I had to do, and things that happened before and after my son died. It's really intense, it's hard to remember that they are not the same person nor will the outcome be the same.
    Hard to allow myself the time to grieve again while also trying to be a calm and loving parent this time.
    It's just a very very large container I have to create in order to allow all of this to flow through one body.
    I think it's really good that you know this is happening and I encourage you to write about it and talk about it and feel it all.
    You've been through an incredible journey. I think you are doing tremendously well.

  2. Lean on people when you need to. And keep doing what you're doing. What you're feeling is more than normal, and you come out of this "funk." It is ok to look at the bean and ache for him to be cooper, while simultaneously being really glad and in love with him- with chace. As your second son. And it I'd ok to grieve. To miss Cooper. Wholly. Fully. And it is normal to cry. More tears than Ontario can snow. More than you did a year ago, if necessary. But keep doing what you're doing.
    Tell yourself that you are amazing.
    You are.
    Tell yourself that you are beautiful, especially when you feel you look your worst.
    Because you are.
    And tell yourself that there is no script for this. No manual. Go with your gut.
    It's remarkably spot on.
    Probably always has been.

    Wishing I could be there to help.
    To hug.
    To down a bottle of wine with...


  3. I had post-partum three times and it was not fun at all. I kept having to tell myself, "this too shall pass, this too shall pass. . ." as a mantra that ran through my head. What you are feeling is completely normal and will pass and will fade and will become even more love. Keep family and friends around to keep you grounded. It really helps, so so so very much.

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