so here we go.
i was unprepared for the emotional roller coaster than accompanies having a baby. when you couple those emotions with what we experienced over the last year, well you have the makings of an emotional train wreck. i know, hormones can bring on the tears like lake ontario can bring on the snow, that what i am feeling is normal. but it makes me feel like i am losing my mind.
i dont remember being this emotional with cooper. i was emotional, but i had a reason to be, my baby was facing open heart surgery. the bean is perfectly healthy. but yet i seem to cry for no real reason. dont get me wrong, i am over the moon about the bean. we are a family. i fall more in love with his sweet face, funny personality, little fingers and noises every day. but there are moments when my heart aches like it hasn't in a long time. there are times when i look at him, and all i see is cooper and i grieve for him all over again. or when i feel guilty for loving him as much as cooper, that somehow i am betraying my first born. oh, what a mother's heart can feel. i know that the bean is cooper's way of helping us heal and mend. that he knows how much i love him and that wont change. i also know that these emotions are part of my healing and journey. but it is harder than i imagined.
i remember being sore after my c-section with cooper, but not this slow to recover. then i remember that i have had my gut slashed open twice in the last 15 months, i should be sore.
i have come to the conclusion that i was in shock after cooper was born and functioned on adrenaline, therefore i don't remember emotions or pain. and that postpartum hormones really suck.