tuesday tidbits

** this afternoon i am heading to scott miller to get a haircut and hi-light.

** this makes me happy.

**i am slowly catching up on my bee blocks for this month.

**i love sewing on my new sewing machine.

** it is so quiet!

** i am knitting a baby sweater for my soon to be born nephew.

** well not soon, end of march.

** but his home will be in alaska.

** it is cold ALL the time there.

**i need some books to read over the holidays.

** suggestions?

** we booked our plane tickets this week.

** bean and i will be in santa fe for over three weeks.

**i made the family chocolate pecan pie this weekend.

** i put too much rum in it and didn't cook it long enough.

** this potential FAIL turned into an epic WIN.

**fresh wreaths made by ph boss are now in the etsy shop.

** you still have one week to use your coupon in the shop.

** coupon code is BLACK10

** come on, you know you want to.

** cooper came to visit yesterday.

** i felt this pair of eye watching me, looked up and he was sitting in the tree.

** watching me sew.

** we talked, i cried, he flew away.

** i miss him.

starting a tree tradition

growing up, we never out our christmas tree up until the 15th of december. i am not really sure why, that was the magical date, but it was magical. my brothers and i looked forward to the day when the frasier fir would arrive freshly cut from north carolina ( there were no tree farms in west texas. hell, there are hardly any trees, so we ordered our tree by mail). 

i never understood the need or desire to put your tree up as soon as the thanksgiving dishes were washed, but in recent years, travel has forced us to do just that. the last two years i have tried to get out of putting up a tree. i just haven't felt holidayish. since cooper died, i can not get into the holiday spirit until the 19th; but, ph has forced me into holiday cheer. 

we head to santa fe on dec. 19th, so it was now or never in the tree department. so this afternoon, the three of us embarked on what i am sure will become tradition, or at least i hope so, and went to cut down our christmas tree. bean wasnt sure what to make of it all. i promised him that in a few years this will be a magical moment. i can not wait to experience christmas through his eyes. i can imagine anything more magical or precious.

when do you decorate your christmas tree?

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper.

today you would have turned two years old. and i find myself wondering what you would have been like? this is not a new question for me to ponder, but as i watch your brother grow and change before my eyes, i find myself thinking about this more and more.

i like to think that you would have been more introverted, quiet and studious. i have no doubt that you would have been talking in paragraphs by now. you would have been happy to play by yourself, active but not a whirling dervish like your younger brother can be... boy is he active. you would be determined,  and strong, a fighter, you were that in your short life, so i am certain it would have stayed with you and served you well. your personality was just beginning to form when you were taken from us, and my heart aches to know what you would have been, could have been.

but then i get glimpses. like when you come to visit us. on thanksgiving you sat in the the magnolia tree very quiet, still and proud. once we made eye contact and you knew that i saw you and was ok, you flew away. you always know when to make an appearance, when i need to feel connected to you. it is in these moments that i know, there is life after death, that you and i will be connected forever, that you will always be my first born. but cooper, i miss you. and my heart hurts. and the hole that your death left aches. i am beginning to realize that it always will, that this journey lasts a lifetime. and sometimes, that knowledge is too much for me to bear.

and then i realize all that you have given me and i know that i must put one foot in front of the other. i must and that you are here with me every single step of the way. it is with that knowledge that i am able to move forward.

despite all the emotions that surround your short life, you remain the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. cooper, i will always be grateful for that gift.

i love you more than ever.
happy birthday my sweet precious cooper.
may you spread your wings and soar
on this cold november day.
i hope you stop by to say hello.

loving and missing you always
mom

a moment

thankful

even though cooper's birthday is still two days away, he is very much on my heart and mind. since he was born on thanksgiving, i tend to associate the day with his birth more so than the date on the calendar. it is grey and cold here, much like how i feel. i dont know how to explain the emotions associated with thanksgiving. it is happiness and sadness rolled into one big bundle of emotion.

but instead of telling you much my heart aches for cooper, how i can recall every detail of the day he was born and all that came after, or how the hole in my heart is still there, or how it makes me angry that people act like today is just a "normal" thanksgiving day now that we have chace, i am going to tell you what i am thankful for.....

** precious husband. he is my rock, my sanity and my heart.

** chace. he is the redemption and grace after the heartache. he is why i get out of bed each morning.

** cooper. he taught me how to love, to really love. i miss every minute of every day.

** friends old and new that i have met on this journey. you give me strength.

** this blog. it is a place where i make sense of the ramblings in my head.

**family. it is everything.

**fabric and yarn. it keeps me sane and obsessed at the same time.

** wine. at the end of the day i just need a glass of wine.

what are you thankful for?

if.....

if you missed lucends at the RMSC Holiday Bazaar
or if you live out of town.
you are in luck.

i am loading the remaining
of my inventory onto the
lucends etsy shop.

better still, i am offering
you dear readers
a coupon code.
from now until dec.7th 2010
enter BLACK10
and you will earn 10% off
your entire order.

all the inventory will be in
the shop by black friday.

so i hope you will take a look
and
give the gift of handmade
this holiday season.

tuesday tidbits

** my crafting hangover is better today.

** although i am not ready to start sewing.

** but i am going to pick up my new sewing machine this afternoon.

** c gave me his cold.

**it takes forever to put stuff on etsy.

** a truly arduous process.

** "a" cant you just appear and photograph my stuff.

** please, pretty please.

** i need to work on plane tickets for our trip home.

** which will include a trip to austin.

** c knows how to operate peekaboo barn on my iphone.

** this frightens me.

** cooper's birthday is in 4 days.

** i find myself thinking alot about what he would have been like.

**december 19th can not come soon enough.

** i started knitting with the handspun cashmere i bought at purl.

** it is the softest yarn i have ever used.

** it is going to be a scarf for my mama.

** bean is awake and wants to be out of his crib.