i want to be a hedgehog

around the end of september
chace and i started talking about
what he wanted to be for halloween.

he looked at me with a
blank look in his eye,
as is if to say, what is halloween?

i pulled up the pottery barn kids website
and we started looking at costumes.
each one we came to, he said "no"

then all of sudden, a hedgehog was on the screen
his eyes got big and lit up.
he pointed to the screen
and said "i want to be a hedgehog, mamma"

so, we ordered the costume.
when it arrived and we opened the box.
he wanted nothing to do with it.
he would not try it on
he said he didnt want to be a hedgehog.

i didnt push it.

i would ask him what he was going to be for halloween.
"i am going to be a hedgehog, but i dont want to wear the costume,"
was the standard response he gave.
he remained steadfast in his refusal to wear his costume.

so we have a really cute hedgehog costume
hanging in the closet
and a mama who is hoping he will wear it next year.

happy halloween!

tuesday tidbits

** happy tuesday!

** i am happy to report that we did not lose power, or trees in the storm.

** but there are plenty of people here in the area that did.

** yesterday, when i went to wegmans people were shopping like it was the end of the world.

** the checkout guy asked me "if i was shopping for the storm?'

** my answer, " no, just my monday morning shopping."

** schools were cancelled.

** but they could have gone to school.

** back at it tomorrow.

** mayday underground art and craft is this saturday.

** if you live in rochester come out for some holiday shopping.

** i will be launching a new design at this show.

** the website is so close to being live.

** the holdup is me.

** i need to photograph inventory and list in the shop.

** i dislike taking pictures of product.

**its pizza night tonight.

** i love pizza night because ph makes pizza.

** i am on the constant quest for the perfect pair of jean and boots.

** sigh.

** hope you all are well.

the whole is the goal

the whole is the goal.
that was the message
monday night during yoga.
these 5 words have been
bouncing around in my head, ever since.

i have been trying to make sense of it
figure out what it means for me.
i dont have an answer
i dont have an explantation.
but this is what i have figured out.

there are times when life
feels so fragmented, compartmentalized.
as if the only way to get through each day.
is to check off the to do lists.
 it can be easy to lose track of the bigger picture.
the importance of living life to the fullest.

there are times when i feel so broken.
my heart damaged beyond repair.
as if the pain is never going to  stop
and the wound will never heal.

and then there are moments when everything feels as if it should.
when i hear chace say "i love you mama"
or when i see chace's face light up when he sees his daddy.
when we are together in the midst of a family hug.
nothing else matters. life is complete.

life will never be whole, until
we are no longer on this earth.
because if life were full or whole or complete
all the time, there would be
no reason to make ourselves or our world better.

sometimes we are lucky enough
to have moments when we feel whole
and when those moments fade
we seek to find the balance
so that wholeness can be felt again.

after all, the whole is the goal.

tuesday tidbits

** chace and i made pumpkin, oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies yesterday.

** they are so good.

**potty training is going well.

** except for pooping.

** i am so tired of cleaning poop pants.

** i want to throw them away.

** ph says he will clean them.

** so i have been leaving them in his sink.

**yoga was awesome tonight.

** the whole is the goal.

** mayday underground is in two weeks.

** i have spent the last two days cutting fabric.

** getting ready for a sewing marathon.

**i know i have said this before, but if you dont watch homeland, you should!

** the new website is getting closer to launching.

** i love it!

** chace has thursday and friday off of school.

** parent teacher conferences.

** chace is going to be a hedgehog for halloween.

** he picked out the costume.

** happy tuesday!

** xoxo

tuesday tidbits

** we had chicken enchilada soup for dinner.

** i love the crockpot.

** tomorrow wilbur is being butchered.

** no, this is not the pig from charlotte's web.

** it is a 600 pound cow that we purchased with two other families.

** this means that soon i will have 200 pounds of red meat in my freezer.

** i hope that there is room.

** sunday we are having a family photo shoot at a pumpkin patch.

** i am pretty excited about it.

** chace only had one accident today.

** m&ms do wonders.

** but i want to eat them too.

** i had a great yoga practice tonight.

** homeland sunday was AMAZING.

** in my next life i am going to be in the CIA

** last night i started reading the causal vacancy.

** i hope my expectations are not too high.

** i sent out the first batch of rewards today for the lucends: stitching from the heart campaign.

** the website is coming along.

** i am so excited to share it with you all.

** i am joyful.

** are you?

d day

tomorrow is d day.
otherwise known as
no more diapers day.
or operation potty training.
or designated big boy underwear day.

chace attends a montessori school.
he is currently in the toddler room.
he will soon be ready to move up
to the primary room.

he desperately wants to go upstairs
to the big class room.
there is something intriguing about
going up the stairs.
and alot of his friends from last year
have moved upstairs.

but in order to move up
he has to be potty trained.
its the montessori way.

i was talking to his teacher
and she thinks i should just send him
to school in underwear.
as well as several changes of clothes.
this makes me very nervous.
but she has potty trained alot of toddlers.
so i trust her.

i am still nervous.
my biggest fear is getting
from the house to school
without an accident.
i guess that i why
i am bringing several sets of clothes.

let the operation potty training commence.
lets hope i have enough strength to endure!

today is the day...

today is the day.....

.. to let go of some of the hurt, not the BIG hurt i do that everyday, but some of the stuff i have been holding on to.

.. to branch out and take a class with a new yoga teacher.

.. to allow myself to rest.

.. to let chace help me make dinner and not care about the mess he makes.

.. to recommit to my yoga practice.

.. to let go of some control.

.. to be kinder to myself.

..to be able to truly be empathetic.

.. to start weight watchers.

..to enjoy the moments with chace.

..to accept what is.

..to stand up for myself.

..to be more patient.

..to start having family dinners more often.

..to play soccer with chace.

.. to chase my dreams, not matter how far away they seem.

..to realize that i may not accomplish this list today and there is always tomorrow.

..to understand that the point is live every single moment as if it were my last, with no regrets.

today is the day......

spirit of a storm

this time of year is such a contradiction for me.
full of conflicting feelings.
extreme feelings really.
there are moments of pure bliss.
there are moments of sadness.
and then there are moment of just grey.

there are so many things
that i love about fall.
if you asked me to name my favorite season,
i would tell you fall.
but in the next breath i would tell you
i hate fall.

i love the crisp air.
the way the clouds look in the sky
the smell of leaves that have fallen from the trees
i love being able to wear my cowboy boots and jeans
the arrival of college football
the smell of comfort food in the kitchen.

but every year around mid september
it starts building.
my mood shifts.
i go inside myself.
i become quiet
scars get irritated
and those really deep ones ache.
i become more driven
more reflective.
hunkering down for the storm i know is coming.

those who know me best
can pinpoint the moment it begins.
giving up hope that this would be the year
that was different.

but it is not meant to be this year.
i dont think it will ever change,
there is no amount of medication
that can quiet the brewing storm.
it is part of who i am
and those around me try to
hang on for the ride
and look forward to the end of december
when it it magically lifts.