silent

it has been silent
here on this blog
for sometime.

to be honest
i didn't feel like writing
i didn't feel like i  had anything to say.

no words of wisdom
no creativity
nothing funny
nothing sad.
no message.

it wasn't writers block
that i struggled with
there was plenty going on in my head.
i had no motivation to write.
i was in a deep dark blogging funk.

heck, i even thought about
never writing another blog post again.
i said thought about....

i have come to grips
with the fact that i am never
going to be a "famous" blogger.
nor am i going to support my family by blogging.
i am ok with that....
well, it would be nice to be famous.

when i started this blog, the purpose
was to heal, to share my journey
through grief with others.
along the way it organically grew into
a blog about grief, life, parenting,
and occasionally my creative ventures.

i was beginning to feel that it didn't matter anymore
that my story was insignificant and that i didn't have
a message to share.
i became very perfectionistic about my writing
rather than simply sharing my journey.

i am not going to lie.
i like comments.
i don't get comments anymore
and i read that as sign that no one was reading.

it hit me tonight
during downward facing dog
that i put up a wall.
a self imposed blogging wall.
and i needed to tear it down.
to get back to being unfiltered.
to being honest in my writing.

i need to write for the sake of writing
and maybe in that process something
i say will make sense to someone.
i need to be myself
and stop feeling the need to be the perfect blogger.

so i am making you this promise.
what i write on this here blog
will be honest, authentic, unfiltered
and most importantly
me.

love you all.