i have become

i have become "that"mother
the one i swore i would not become
and my child is not even two.

despite what we have been through
as parents i have yet to turn into
a helicopter mom which is what some
would expect from someone who
has lost a child.

 chace turns
two in a few weeks.
i have been planning his party
for a few weeks now.
 this party planning has turned me
into "that" mother.

it is going to be over the top.
i am obsessed with the details.
i want them to be perfect.
the decorations, the favors, the food, the games
i think about it all no matter how big or small.

(i am beginning to think i should be a party planner.)

i was feeling a little awkward about it
maybe even a little guilty.
but then i stopped feeling bad and embraced it.

i know that chace wont remember his 2nd birthday party
and i recognize that this is about me and what i want.
there will come a day when he will tell me what kind
of party he wants, and of course i will comply
with the same attention to details.

but one thing i have learned from cooper
is that you have to treasure each moment,
celebrate each moment and live in each moment.

so it is in this spirit that i obsess about the party
that will celebrate the birth of our sweet chace.