** i am glad to be home.

** renegade craft fair was awesome.

** i will post more tomorrow.

** chace is giving me the cold shoulder.

** he is all about dada.

** i made cookies today.

** one slid off the sheet and burned in the oven.

** our house smells like burned cookie.

** yoga tonight.

** my body needs it.

** i will be updating the shop tonight and tomorrow.

** just in time for holiday shopping.

** i am ready for cold weather.

** i forgot how cool austin is.

** shiner bock has a holiday beer out.

** it was so tasty.

** i think it is called "cheer" or maybe "merry"

** i caught up with lots of cousins while in austin.

** it made me wish i didn't live so far away.

** i need a new pair of cowboy boots.

** happy tuesday.

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

happy birthday sweet boy. today, you would have turned three years old. some days, it is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that i will write you letters on your birthday that you will never read, that i imagine what you would be like, and who you would become.  i miss you every single day and more than i can stand on your birthday.

i wonder what kind of birthday party you would be having? what would be your favorite gift? who your friends would be? would you want a chocolate or vanilla cake? there are so many questions i have, that i will never know the answers.

i do get a glimpse of you in your brother. he has a bit of a temper, a stubborn streak that you showed to us in your short life. whenever it comes out, i just chuckle and recognize it as you checking in. but make no mistake, you two are very different children and have very different personalities. i am reminded of this daily.

this summer, i started practicing yoga. when i began, i never thought it would bring me closer to you. but every time i step on my mat, i feel your heart connected to mine, an invisible string pulling us together. it is time that i need, it has created a sacred space and has helped me heal on a deeper level.

today, i am in austin at a craft show. your uncle luke is here with me. it is a pretty big deal that i was accepted. and despite the fact that i am focused on selling, you are with me, on my mind. after all, lucends exist because of you. i started sewing because of you and i keep creating to honor you and the gift you gave me.

happy birthday.
i love and miss you each and every day.

xoxo
mama

lucends on the road

lucends is going on the road,
going home,
back to my roots.

if you are in austin
this weekend,
stop by, say hello,
do some holiday shopping
and support handmade.

xoxo

tradition

being the type a personality
that i am, i love tradition.
particularly, around the holidays.
there is comfort in the familiar.
knowing that year to year the rituals
for the most part stay the same.

sure i look forward to creating
new traditions with ph and chace.
but there are certain family rituals
that i wanted to share with him,
to watch him experience, see through his eyes
and live for himself.

for 38 years the texas-texas a&m football game
has been a part of our thanksgiving day tradition.
it didn't really matter who won the game, because being
a house divided, there was always a winner and a loser.
the point is that we would gather around the tv cheer or curse
and just be together.

tonight is the last game in a storied college football rivalry.
a rivalry between two school who embody tradition.

one of the greatest rivalries
in college football is coming to an end
because texas a&m ( my alma matter) is heading to the SEC.
i am sure that many factors came into play,
but lets be honest, this move was motivated by money, not tradition.

this makes me sad.
ph and chace will not get to experience
this tradition first hand.
to stand in a stadium full of 100,000 fans.
to feel the bleachers shake.
to watch each school take pride and tradition
to the field for bragging rights.

many generations of future students will
have to listen to family members reflect on
a time when the two great universities met
on the football field on thanksgiving day.
they will not be able to live the tradition
for themselves.

and after all.
tradition is about living the experience.

holiday rush

this weekend marks
the beginning of the holiday season.
although, the stores would like
you to believe that it began,
well before halloween.

there was a time
that i welcomed the
official start to the holidays.

now, i don't get
my holiday rush until
the 19th of december.
then i am fully immersed
in holiday cheer.

today, friends and family
are traveling, cooking, preparing
and being together.

for me, today is just another day.
with the exception that ph has the day off
and chace did not have school.
it doesn't feel like thanksgiving.

tomorrow, friends and family
will cook, eat, gather, and tell stories.
tomorrow ph and i will reflect,
be together, hold our sons close,
and go through the motions of thanksgiving.

while cooper's birthday is not until sunday.
i associate thanksgiving with his birth,
making it a much more emotion filled day.

a day filled with gratitude, reflection, heartache,
joy, hope, and thankfulness that despite a loss so great
our family is still standing.

tuesday tidbits

** chace only wants to eat cereal.

** cereal breakfast, lunch and dinner.

** i am headed to yoga in a bit.

** today is my mama's birthday.

** we booked our tickets to go home for xmas.

** we will be gone for a month.

** i am a bundle of emotions.

** excited, sad, nervous, grateful, hurting, happy, anxious, and joyful.

** you name it, i am feeling it.

** i am in the home stretch with products.

** currently, i have 139 items that are heading to austin for the show.

** i can not  believe i leave friday am.

** i am excited to hang out with my brother for the weekend.

** i have a growing list of holiday orders for when i return home.

** i i have never been away from chace for more than 1 night.

** ok, i have only been away from him once.

** it does not feel like the holidays outside.

** i am ready for snow.

** i can not believe i said that out loud.

** happy tuesday.

favorite

ph and i don't have
alot of pictures together.
this i because the camera
is usually in my hands.

this picture is my favorite.
it was taken by my brother
with an old polaroid.
i was 6 months pregnant
with cooper and we were all
having lunch by the lake.

it hangs on my bulletin board
in my sewing room.
i was looking at it the
other day and it struck
me, how young we look.

there are less grey hairs
there are less wrinkles.
there is an air of lightness
joy and hope.
we are not yet members of "the club"
and our hearts have yet to break.

but, i love it still....

a moment

tuesday tidbits

**i finally feel like sewing again after my awful cold.

** this is a good thing because i leave in 10 days for austin.

**so i will be burning the midnight oil to get things made.

** i am trying not to add any more "new" products.

** but this is hard.

** chace likes pomegranate seeds.

** go figure.

** please explain to me why i am 5 pounds heavier since starting yoga.

** this disturbs me.

** i get my haircut tonight.

** it is a shaggy mess.

** ready for it to be grown out already.

** i am shipping the majority of my inventory to my brother tomorrow.

** he is driving it to austin for NC.

** yay, kuca!

** chace has not been a good napper lately.

** ok, back to work.

** happy tuesday.

dear chace

my dear sweet chace,

today, on your 2st1 month birthday you are full of piss and vinegar. i don't mean this in a bad way, it's just that well, you have discovered your voice, your will, and your wants. today has been a battle of wills between the two of us. luckily, they are short moments and then you go back to being my sweet boy. the one that says "please" and "thank you." i should not be surprised by your strong will, you come by it honestly. your tantrums are not mean spirited, you just want what you want when you want it. i get it, really i do.

we had a meeting with your teacher at school. she says that you are doing well. she always indicated that you might have some type a tendencies. again, i am not surprised. she says that you get frustrated when you can not complete a task or do it correctly. we have noticed this at home, as well.  these tendencies will be your greatest asset as well as your greatest weakness. your vocabulary has exploded.you say new words daily and put several words together.

you are an outdoors boy. i think need to get you some serious outdoor gear because i have a feeling we will be spending a great deal of time outdoors this winter. we will be spending a month in santa fe and your dad and i plan to have you on the ski mountain playing in the snow. apparently, you and your dad watch ski porn when i am not around. he says you are ready for the white stuff.

the whole house has been sick this past month. it seemed to be harder on your parents than you. i continue to be amazed at how happy you are. you truly exude joy and this is such a gift, not only for us as your parents but for those you encounter. this is the time of year that your brother is heavy on my mind and heart, but then i look at you and it is hard to be sad for long. you are the healing that we all needed. you are one of cooper's many gifts to us and for that i am so grateful.

each day with you continues to be an adventure and a privilege.

thank you.

xoxo
mama

leaves

this week we finally
had a really hard frost.
this means that all the leaves
on our trees fell at once.
our yard was one huge blanket of leaves.

growing up in west texas
we had changes of seasons,
but they were subtle.
they were not nearly as
marked as they are here in the northeast.

i dont have a great deal
of memories of raking leaves
and jumping in the piles.
heck, we didnt have very many trees in our yard.

the one memory i do have
is when we lived in central texas.
we had a huge pecan tree in our front yard.
my brothers and i played in the leaves from
that tree for hours.

i think jumping in piles of leaves is
a right of passage for childhood.

yesterday, ph and chace
spent some time in the leaves.
not much raking was completed.
but there were lots of  laughter.

a moment

pressure

i know this about myself:

i am driven.
i am my own worst enemy.
i am perfectionistic.
i am a classic type a personality.

at times, i put too much on my plate.
i push myself to the limit.
i am hard on myself.
and i put an immense amount of pressure on myself.

this combination on characteristics
can work to my advantage.
or it can wreak havoc at the worst possible times.

lately, it has been the later.
i have been sick for two weeks
with no sign of wellness in sight.

i do not have time to be sick.
i have a lot os sewing to do.
there are a little over two weeks
until the Renegade Craft Fair Holiday Show in Austin.

during my 75 minutes
of me time last might.
it became clear
that i have control over some of this.

i can take the pressure off.
i can be kind and compassionate to myself.
i trust that things are and will be as they should be.
i can say no.
i can ask for help.
and by doing this, maybe just maybe i can kick this cold in the ass.

tuesday tidbits

** i just returned home from the best yoga class ever.

** i so needed that.

** ph and i are watching hockey and eating pizza.

** i can not shake this cold i have.

** i am headed to the doctor tomorrow.

** chace and i saw cooper this morning as we were on our way to school.

** we haven't seen him in a while.

** i had a great show over the weekend.

** thanks to all who came to support handmade.

** i am now gearing up for austin in 2.5 weeks.

** eeek!!!!

** athena and stella arrive on friday!

** i can not wait to hug her neck.

** she is going to shoot a few pictures.

** ok, more than a few.

** hopefully one will be our xmas photo.

** chace's new favorite place to play is the car.

** this is funny because my cousin and i used to play in the car.

** hope you are having a good evening.

** back to hockey and pizza.

he is not saying what you think he is saying

chace has a new favorite word.
fox is the word of choice lately.
and it doesn't really sound like fox.
it sounds much more like,
f*@k.

last week during pickup at school
chace's teacher told me
that they had a potential parent
observing the classroom the day before.

chace kept talking about the fox.
over and over and over.
the mother started visibly laughing.
his teacher went over an explained
that he was saying fox, not the 4 letter word
she was certain he was saying.
she further explained that she knew
this because she had a discussion
with chace's mom about the word.

i am waiting for him
chace to start saying fox
at the top of his voice a
while we move through wegmans.

good times!

i think i will not tell him
this story for fear of him using it
against me when he is a teenager.
" mom, i was saying fox not f@*k".

tuesday tidbits

** c and i are sick.

** i do not have time to be sick.

** there are 4 days until the mayday underground art and craft show.

** needless to say i am sewing like crazy.

** we had a great visit with my mom.

** i was sad to see her go.

** but we will be in santa fe  before i know it.

** can you believe it is november 1st?

** crazy!

** chace's favorite word is "hi"

** and his favorite phrase is "i sit down."

** he seems to add new new words to his vocabulary bank daily.

** it is really fun to watch.

** tonight is pizza night.

** i love pizza night because i do not have to cook.

** cooper's third birthday is approaching.

** that is so hard for me to wrap my head around.

** it is a beautiful fall day today.

** i am so glad that the october storm missed us.

** janome is FINALLY replacing my sewing machine.

** it should be in any day.

** i am so glad that i had a back up machine.

** off to take more cough drops.

** happy tuesday.