stillness

i have a hard time being still.
i fidget.
i knit.
i embroider.
and if i not doing those.
i squirm.

physical stillness is hard for me.
mental stillness is harder.
i have a to do list on my phone.
sewing lists on by sewing wall.
recipe lists in the kitchen.
and a million lists in my brain.

my mind is always moving.
it does not like to be still.
i have always been a type a personality.
but the discomfort that come with stillness
has increased since cooper died.

i guess it makes sense.
if i am too still
the thoughts creep in,
the images flash,
the sadness overtakes
and the tears flow.

i am going into my third week of yoga.
i have been going three times a week.
the physical aspect is hard.
but i like that, it makes me feel strong.
the sweat feels good.
like my body is crying big gigantic tears.

but the stillness is really hard for me.
especially at the end of class.
when we lie there in darkness.
being present.
being still
listening to the sound of our breath.

my mind wanders.
my toes twitch.
and my eyes open.
i am so relieved when that part is over.

i am hoping that this practice
will help me learn to not only tolerate
but welcome the stillness.
and that being still physically and mentally
will become a welcome state, rather than one of discomfort.

dear marta

dear marta,

i dont know if i should thank you
or curse you.
why you ask?
your coconut krispie chocolate chunk cookies,
of course!

we are having a family
dinner tomorrow
and i thought they would be perfect.

these cookies are perfection!
i love them.
they are my new favorite.
my new go to.

i am not sure which
i ate more of last night while
baking them,
the cookie dough or the cookies out of the oven.

so much for weight watchers.

thank you for sharing the recipe.
i think....
next batch i make i might add peanut butter chips too.
ohhhh the possibilities.

xo
luc

they do exist

this morning we met
some friends at the zoo.
our zoo is small
and there are not a ton of animals.
but we do have a zoo,
so i will not complain.

it is not uncommon
to go to the zoo
and not really see
any animals.

we have these
two polar bears.
i have NEVER seen them.
until today.
i was beginning to think
that they were a monetary scam
to get  people to visit the zoo.

today was a stellar
day at the zoo.
we not only saw the polar bears
but we saw the tiger,
and the mountain lion.

we witnessed the penguins
and the sea lions
eating breakfast.
the watched the wolves pace
and the hyenas lounge.

it was epic.

but the highlight
of the day was
when hayden forgot
my name ( which happens, lucinda is hard for little ones)
and called me lewis.

i still giggle thinking about it.

a moment

tuesday tidbits

**it has cooled down here in the northeast.

** now we just need some rain, like everywhere else in the country.

** i have to tell you, i love taking yoga.

** to have 75 minutes that i don't have to think about anything else other than breathing is great.

** i think it is going to be just as good for my mental state, as my physical state.

** so far today we have only had one temper tantrum.

** we went to story time in the park.

** c is very reserved when in a large group of people.

** this is funny because he is normally not shy at all.

** he takes after me in that respect.

** in large groups i watch, listen, and take it all in.

** last week i made a frittata for dinner.

** it was so good and super easy.

** happy tuesday!

phase 2

its just a phase
its just a phase
its just a phase
this was the phrase i repeated to myself
all day long.

sometimes, with every breath.
its just a phase
its just a phase.

the sweet child pictured above,
my precious boy,
is beginning to assert his will
and it is ugly.

it is like some alien
takes over his body.

seriously,
he rolls around on the floor.
kick his legs.
screams.
turns red.
hits whatever he can find.
and sometimes bites the floor.

who is this child?
and where did my sweet chace go?

sometimes i laugh at him.
i mean his behavior is absurd.
sometimes i get very annoyed.
like when i am changing a poop diaper
and he is trashing around on the floor,
acting as if i am trying to hog tie him
and brand him with a hot iron.

i have to tell myself to breathe
that this too shall pass.
i am the parent.
i am in charge.
he doesn't always get his way.
he needs to learn this lesson early.

its just a phase.
an age appropriate phase.
a phase that will pass.
soon, i hope.

triple berry

one of the things
i love about living
in the northeast
is the abundance of
pick your own farms.

chace and i
have done our fair share
of berry picking this summer.

it is a great opportunity
to teach young children
about where our food comes from
and the importance of supporting local farmers.

earlier this month
we picked raspberries.
knowing we were leaving town,
i put them in the freezer.

yesterday we picked blueberries.
again.
loads of them.

growing up my mom used
to make these triple berry muffins.
they were so good.
i started thinking about those muffins yesterday.

i began looking through my cookbooks
and found a recipe
in one of my barefoot contessa books.
i decided to give it a try.

turns out she got the recipe
from a friend of hers
who happened to write
the silver palette cookbook,
which just happens to be the recipe my mom used.

i highly recommend these.
they are delicious.

collector

what: a conversation
when: july 17, 2011
who: ph and luc

ph: why do you have all those grey rocks in the back seat of your car?

ph: there are some sticks and leaves in there too...

luc: ummm. they are chace's.

ph: huh?

luc: everywhere we go he collects things and puts them in the car. i figure it's better to leave it all in the car rather than bring it in the house.

ph: chuckles to himself. and then says your great aunt dede would be so proud. (aunt dede is my 90 something great aunt who is a geologist. growing up she used to give us rock collections for christmas).

luc: i just hope he doesn't ask for a pet rock.

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** it is ungodly hot here.

** remember, ac is not something you take for granted in the northeast.

** c has turned into a fish, thanks to his swim lessons.

** c fell on his face last night and got a big fat bloody lip.

** i think i better get used to blood, having a boy.

** i have an appointment at scott miller tonight.

** haircut and color.

** this makes me so happy.

** i was so sad the girls soccer team lost sunday.

** did you see them on the today show this morning?

** they were very gracious.

** i am having fun making my yoga mat bags.

** cant wait to buy a mat to go in it.

** officially starting weight watchers tomorrow.

**we are spending the afternoon at the pool.

** this morning when ph woke me up, i asked him what day it was.

** talk about sound asleep.

** happy tuesday.

little projects

this weekend
i have sewn a number
of little projects.

things that have been
in my head
for some time.

i needed to clear
some head space
for new ideas.

some of these
may or may not
show up in the shop.

but if for some reason
you wan to purchase
these goodies
shoot me an email.

here we go
a hooded toddler towel
for chace.
i how small the
hooded ones you can buy are
and they are not soft.

a learn to count 

bean bag set for chace.

out of pirate fabric of course.

and last,
the yoga mat bag.
i love love love this bag.
i can not wait to purchase
my yoga mat and take it to class on thursday.
( this will show up in the shop)

it feels good to have these done!

blue

blueberries that chace and i picked this morning.

blueberry muffins with our fresh picked berries.

recipe from smitten kitchen

blue hydrangea in our back yard.

dear chace

my dear sweet chace!

happy 17 months!

you look so grown up in this picture as you watch the birds on the beach. you could have watched those birds for hours. i know we gave them a good workout. you followed them until i told you needed to let the birds rest. you love birds. i think this is your connection to your brother; on some level you know we called him "birdie" and that whenever we see a bird we say, "there's your brother."

you had a great time at the beach. you were fascinated with the shells and sand. you were particularly fond of the hermit crab that cole caught. you loved hanging out with your new friends. they were so great about sharing their toys and books with you. cole was very curious as to why you did and did not do certain things. it was so cute. i am sure you will be lifelong friends.

as usual, you were a great traveler. your dad and i are so thankful. i know i tell you that alot; but, someday you will understand what a gift it is that you travel well.

you are currently taking swim lessons. you are learning to love the water again. today, we went underwater and you were not even phased by the act. you are very good at kicking your feet. whenever the instructor comes over, you tilt your head and smile. as soon as she moves on, you do whatever is was she was trying to get you to do. we have another week of lessons.

you talk non-stop. i do not know what you are saying. but i know you are telling me something.  i can not wait until we speak the same language. you continue to love books. your favorite these days is  "the very hungry caterpillar." we read it over and over and over and over.

your favorite part of the day is when your dad gets home. the two of you spend time in the yard, checking out the plants, pulling weeds, driving the lawn mower and watering the yard. your face lights up when you see his truck pull into the driveway.

you continue to bring us joy. you are so sweet. there is nothing better than one of your snuggles.  every day is adventure that i look forward taking with you.

love you

mama

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** c and i started a mommy and me swim class yesterday.

** it is everyday for two weeks.

** he seems to like it.

** did i tell you that he has 4 molars coming it at once?

** i think i told you that, but i need to tell you again.

** lucends bags are now being sold at w3ll people in austin.

** if you live in austin, go get yourself one.

** my cousin in law is one of the co-founder's of this awesome all natural make-up line.

** they will be in QVC friday night at 9pm CST.

** i will be watching and purchasing.

**i am going back on weight watchers.

** i have gained some weight.

** it is due to the fact that i eat whatever c doesnt eat at meal time.

** not a good habit.

** i am looking forward to yoga on thursday.

** i have some new ideas floating in my head for products.

** hello cute hooded baby towel.

** it is very hot here today.

** we will be pool bound after nap time.

** have yourself a happy tuesday.

sun salutations, sweat and tears

thursday night i attended
a new to yoga class.
it is a three week class
for those who are brand new to yoga.

i was nervous
intimidated
and a little skeptical
about the idea of practicing yoga.

i told myself
it would be good for me.
it would help my back.
and give me some "me" time.

it was less awkward
than i thought it would be
the teacher was great
and i cant wait to go back next week.

the only real hiccup
was that i cried.
yes, i said i cried.

it was the end of class
and erica was taking us through
the meditation part of yoga.
i dont know what it was
but the tears started.

i tried to keep it in check
so that people would not
know i was crying and think
i was a total nut case.

but i am pretty sure
that erica noticed
the tears.

later that evening
i fell apart at the seams.
i was a mess.

i missed cooper.
my heart hurt.
i was sad.
i was angry.

the thing is,
my heart is scarred forever.
i do not have time
to think about what happened.
cooper's death does not
consume my every thought,
like it used to.

but it is still there.
it will always be there.
and sometimes it becomes too big
for the box that i keep it in
and the emotions overflow.

thursday night
i was still enough
to hear the box rattling,
for the emotions to break free,
and the tears roll.

i think that the mental practice
of yoga will be
just as important as the physical practice.
i need to learn to be still
without coming completely unglued.

a moment

tuesday tidbits on wednesday

** i hope you all had a great holiday weekend.

** we had a fabulous time in florida.

** but it is good to be home.

** we arrived home late last night.

** so today is getting back on track day.

** which includes loads of laundry.

** c loved loved loved the beach.

** it was so fun to watch him playing in the sand and sea.

** ph is picking the dogs up tonight.

** it is so quiet without them.

** if you haven't checked out the new online store, stop by and let me know what you think.

** i am ready to get back to sewing, but need to organize my sewing board.

** we are having cashew chicken for dinner.

** so good.

** thats it for now, need to get back to laundry.

happy 4th

we are off to florida.
hot, steamy, sunny florida.
i am looking forward
to the heat.
it has not been very warm here.

we are going to spend
some time with some
dear friends and their two boys.

there will be swimming.
playing in the sand.
watching fireworks.
visting the aquarium.
and lots of fun.

i hope you have a
safe and happy weekend.
see you back here in wednesday!

xoxo