playground rules

c and i  have an activity
every morning.
its our routine.
sometimes its just us.
other times we have a playdate.

now that summer is here.
we usually go to
the pool after nap.

when c and i are
on an outing by ourselves
i often have this feeling
of being back in high school,
or grade school
or any other situation where there are cliques
and i am the odd girl out.
or the new girl.

it happens when there is
a group of moms who know each other.
i can feel them watching me.
i can see them looking at my child.
is he well behaved?
is he clean?

they talk.
they laugh.
they watch.
and there we are, on the outside.

i dont like this feeling.
i am not one to make small talk.
or start a conversation.
particularly if i feel like
i am being judged.

my brain has been spinning lately
wondering when it is that we lose
our self confidence.
is it a certain age?
is it an event?

c is so sure of himself.
he initiates interaction
with children and adults.
if they don't pay attention,
he simply stares at them
or talks to them until they acknowledge
his presence.

i hope he never loses this.
maybe i need to take some
playground lessons
from my son.