small percentages

i am not going to lie.....
it has been a rough week.
chace is sick.
really sick.

he went from a throw up bug.
(today is the first day
he has not thrown up
in 6 days).
to the croup.

thursday evening
3 hours after he went to bed.
he woke up with
this barky cough.

a sound i recognized
as the croup.
i knew this sound
only because my
youngest brother
always had the croup
when he was young.

we went to the dr yesterday
and she confirmed
what i knew.

so today i have been
wiping yellow snot rockets
rather than stinky throw up.

i am still standing.
but not without some tears.
it is hard to watch your
sick baby and not be able to do anything.
he seems so helpless and sad.
it makes my heart ache.

i just want him to return
to his happy, funny self.
so i can stop worrying.

you see, one of the residual
side effects of losing your child
is that you think that it is going to
happen again.

cooper's surgeon had a 98% success rate.
we were the small percentage.
i think that i am always
going to live in the land of
small percentages.

now, intellectually
i know that chace is going to be fine.

but it is in the dark of night
when i am holding him
trying to coax him back to sleep
when fear replaces rational thought.
when emotion takes over
and the tears fall.

i suppose it will get easier with time.
this is the first time in almost a year
that chace has been sick.
believe me,
it is not a side effect i enjoy.
but it is a part of life as i know it nonetheless.

so here is to hoping
for a night without fear, worry or tears.
and a few less snot rockets to wipe.