keeping track

since the day chace was born
i have kept track of everything.
i mean everything.

poop diapers, wet diapers,
length of sleep,
number of naps,
how much he ate,
and what he ate.

i kept it all in my iphone.
in an app
called total baby.

it was my way of asserting
control.
control that does not exist
when you have a newborn.

i always dreamt
that i forgot to feed chace.
this was my way my making sure
i did not forget.

self validation of my
parenting skills.

during our time in santa fe
i stopped keeping track.

and guess what?
i did no forget to feed him
or change a dirty diaper.

i am not sure why i stopped keeping track.
maybe i feel more in control as a parent.
i know, however, that this is
a fleeting feeling
that will not last.

 eventually, i will be keeping track again.
of homework, play dates and sports practices.

but it feels good to not
be keeping track
at this moment.