i confess

i have been thinking alot
about athena's latest post.
i have been thinking
while sewing.

and i think it is ok
to be selfish.
to want to have an identity
that is seperate from
your husband
your work
and your children.

being a good mother
is a selfless act.
and having something
for yourself
is important.
it makes you a better mother.

i am selfish too.
this is why i am
very strict with the schedule.
i know people
think i am too rigid.
but i do not care.

being a slave to the schedule
gives me 2 hours in the day
when i can lose myself
in fabric.
in stitches.
in patterns.
and the gentle hum of the sewing machine.

this two hours makes me
a better mother.
a more patient mother.
it enables me to be totally selfless
when i am with my son.
this is the ultimate gift that
i can give him.

it also gives me
the structure
that i crave.
it creates a rhythm
to our day.

this predictability
is good for chace.
he is happier
when he knows
the game plan.

so instead of
being hard on myself
for wanting to create.
or having to constantly
explain the schedule
or the need to maintain it.
i am going to embrace it.

being a slave to schedule
while self motivated
is a gift to myself,
chace,
and ph.

so, athena dear,
it is healthy
to want something
that is yours and yours alone.
do not be afraid
to own your photo skills.
you have a gift.

and for the record,
you are a damn good
mama.