happy halloween

66

a glimpse of my work for the holiday bazaar in a few weeks. as of today i have 66 pieces of handmade goodness ready.

storm clouds

they are slowly building.
getting bigger
and heavier.
weighing on my chest.
causing my heart to ache.

the only release i know
is to give in to the pain.
to feel it.
to cry.
to mourn.

it doesn't get easier.
time does not heal.

i suppose
this will happen
every year.
wanting to get from
now till christmas.

because that means
i will have made it
through
his birthday
and the anniversary
of his death.

i used to love
the time between
thanksgiving
and
christmas.
now i dread it.

those around me
make thanksgiving plans.
i want no part of it.
i want to be in my house
with ph, and chace
together as a family.

not putting on a brave face
as if it never happened.
as if the pain as gone.
as if life is normal.

there is happiness.
there is laughter.
there is love.
there is chace.

but my heart
is still broken.
and the storm clouds
are building.

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** yesterday i flooded the basement.

** i was switching the load size and didn't flip it all the way.

** the washer got confused and just kept filling with water.

** silly washer.

** it is very windy out.

** but warm.

** i entered c in the gap casting call contest.

** vote for him if you feel inclined.

** tell your friends too.

** no pressure.

** tomorrow friday night lights starts.

** i can not wait.

** still sewing away.....

** getting closer to 100 items.

** my mom comes for a visit next week.

** looking forward to it.

** and we are going to NYC for the weekend.

** i love NYC.

** that's all i have.

** have a good one.

dress rehearsal

chace is going to be a monkey
for halloween.
today we had a
dress rehearsal
at story time

i confess

i have been thinking alot
about athena's latest post.
i have been thinking
while sewing.

and i think it is ok
to be selfish.
to want to have an identity
that is seperate from
your husband
your work
and your children.

being a good mother
is a selfless act.
and having something
for yourself
is important.
it makes you a better mother.

i am selfish too.
this is why i am
very strict with the schedule.
i know people
think i am too rigid.
but i do not care.

being a slave to the schedule
gives me 2 hours in the day
when i can lose myself
in fabric.
in stitches.
in patterns.
and the gentle hum of the sewing machine.

this two hours makes me
a better mother.
a more patient mother.
it enables me to be totally selfless
when i am with my son.
this is the ultimate gift that
i can give him.

it also gives me
the structure
that i crave.
it creates a rhythm
to our day.

this predictability
is good for chace.
he is happier
when he knows
the game plan.

so instead of
being hard on myself
for wanting to create.
or having to constantly
explain the schedule
or the need to maintain it.
i am going to embrace it.

being a slave to schedule
while self motivated
is a gift to myself,
chace,
and ph.

so, athena dear,
it is healthy
to want something
that is yours and yours alone.
do not be afraid
to own your photo skills.
you have a gift.

and for the record,
you are a damn good
mama.

a moment

i am starting something new.
a weekly post.
called "a moment."

it is just that.
a moment snapped
with a camera.

a moment
that captures
life.
living.
breathing.
and loving.

because as
the king of country
says "life is not the breath you take,
but the moments that take your breath away."

a foul tale

motherhood is not something that you can really prepare for.... sure you buy all the gear and clothes, read the books, take the classes, but nothing prepares you like being in the trenches. and even being in the trenches for the last 8 months does not mean that i have gotten used to changing poop diapers. ( oh yes i am going there). in fact, the more i change them, the more repulsed i am.


you all know that chace has a hard time pooping. i have lamented that fact many times on this blog of mine.   unfortunately, he inherited his mother's bowels. sorry kid. since he started eating food, this has become more of a problem for him. believe me we have tried all the tricks, to no avail. so upon consultation with the dr, he gets 1 teaspoon of miralax in his morning bottle. most days this does the trick, but there are some days that his little system needs more help. so, he gets another teaspoon in the afternoon. we have had to resort to 2x a day twice. yesterday was one of those days. i am keeping my fingers crossed we never have to go there again.


yesterday evening ph had to work late, which meant that i had bath and bed duty. no problem. after dinner, i thought i would use the time to call my bff and catch up while chace was playing. ( i have recently discovered speaker phone and love using it. i apologize if you hate it, but it makes conversing easier when i have two hands free). we were about 15 minutes into the phone conversation when i saw chace leaning forward and then there was the smell. my child is the smelliest baby ever. seriously. ever. no big deal. i am on speaker phone. we will just carry on while i am changing the diaper. i got this i think to myself.

i put chace on the changing table and  pull off his pants. i realize that this was more than a straight forward diaper change. there is poop coming out the side of the diaper. i squirm and mutter to myself. i then inform ash of the task at hand.  at that moment it becomes perfectly clear that i am in over my head. there is poop everywhere. all over his bottom end, up his back, which then gets smeared all over the changing pad, all over his clothes. there are  no amount of wipes that can get this kid clean. i frantically tell ash that he has to go straight to the bath. i will call her later.

i pick up my naked, poopy baby and whisk him upstairs all the while hoping that he doesn't pee on me, adding insult to injury. i put him in the tub before there is water in it because i do not want poop on the bath mat or floor. he thought it was fun to watch the water go in the tub. i am thankful that i have a water  baby.  the task of making my baby clean and sweet smelling is underway when a wave of horror washes over me. i left the diaper, wipes and clothes on the table next to the pack and play. (normally not a big deal, but bailey ate poop diapers over the weekend. so not only i have been cleaning it off my child, i have cleaning it off my dog. ) i can not leave chace in the bath alone. so i just hope against hope that the diaper is where i left it when i go back down.

once chace is cleaned and dressed i go down stairs to assess the damage. good bailey, you left the diaper alone. there is a god. but i still have the changing table to tackle. i grab cleaner, and the towel i just used on chace and went to work. i then promptly put diaper, wipes, towel and onesie in a bag and left it outside the door for ph to dispose of. i wanted to him to see the what he missed out on. he seems to miss out on all the fun.

motherhood does not make own immune to poop or the ick factor that comes with it. i do not know how much more poop i can take. i will be so glad when he is potty trained. but at least i know my right from my left, at least for today.

tuesday tidbits

** i am pretty sure there is a bird stuck in the chimney.

** i have a pot roast in the crock pot.

** have i told you how much i love the crock pot?

** by the end of the day, i will have made 50 items for the holiday craft how at the RMSC.

** my goal is 100.

** so in order to reach my goal, i have to make 2 items a day for the next 30 days.

** no problem.

** ph's boss makes awesome wreaths at xmas time.

** he asked me to do if i would put them in my etsy shop.

** i said yes.

** they are awesome and last all winter!

** c is crawling all over the place.

** and he is fast.

** while i love fall, it is emotionally a difficult time for me.

** always has been.

** i can feel the storm clouds building.

** friday night lights starts 1 week from tomorrow.

** i am beyond excited.

** have a happy tuesday.

** the sewing machine is calling.....

he can dance

friday knitting

back by special request.
friday knitting.
but lets be honest.
i  have not knit much lately.

it is cold, grey and blustery today.
so i pulled out this sweater
that i knit last winter
while pregnant
with bean.

it was knit in one piece.
the picture on the pattern
was pretty blah
but i liked the shape.
its great for layering.

i used jade sapphire cashmere.
its dreamy.
i wish i could  knit everything in cashmere.
this would be a great with long sleeves.
maybe i am onto something.

this cold weather is making me want to knit....

enjoy

dear chace

dear sweet chace.

happy 8 months! your papa and i were talking the other night about how big you are getting, that it seems like forever and a day since you were sleeping in our room and we were walking around in a sleep deprived haze. this is how children get siblings, their parents think "it wasn't that bad." and no, you are not getting any younger siblings.

in recent days you have started to crawl and are getting more proficient each day. you have found your voice. you like to make all kinds of noise. loud noise. your mama believes that you are not to young to start working on your inside voice. i do not like loud. you wave at everyone, including people on tv. you like to bang things in order to make noise. the best vehicle for this is a tin can with money in it. who needs fancy toys? and you love to dance, particularly to techno music.

you continue to love being outside. although you are not so fond of the extra layers of clothes you must wear. your papa put a swing in the tree for you and i think that you could spend hours swinging. just don't try to fly like your uncle sam did when he was wee. you love to read. and your favorite book is "sheep in a jeep."

you are all little boy. and are becoming a little person who expresses his thoughts and needs in your own way. i love spending time with you. you are my little pal. i am so thankful that i am able to stay home with you, as i know that you will not stay this way for long. there will come a day when i embarrass you and the last thing you will want to do is cuddle. so i am cherishing every minute of it. as much as you are coming into your own, i think i am settling into motherhood. and i couldn't be happier.


happy 8 months my sweet sweet boy.

love
mom

new friend

meet my new friend, oribe's dry texturizing hair spray.
i will admit i am a bit of a product junkie.
alright, a big product junkie.
and i can be a little two faced about my products.

but i will NOT be that way with this new friend.
why?
well, it is the best product ever.

you see, i only wash my hair once a week.
that's right.
every 7 days.
it is better for my hair.
it took a while to train it to go that long.

lee, my hair guru, always tells me
that my hair is in great shape.
because i don't
overwash it
over heat it and
abuse it.

but i will admit
that by day 6
my hair needs a cleaning.
enter oribe's dry texturizing spray.
genius.

i sprayed it
on the roots of my hair
on day 5.
and it soaked up all the oil.
gave my hair volume.
and texture.
i got more compliments
on my hair day 5, 6, 7
than when it was freshly
washed.

no lie.
its brilliant.
i love it.
and i will not forsake it
for another product.

how often do you wash you your hair?

tuesday tidbits

** it is 10:30 am and i am still in my pj's.

**c is taking his morning nap and i have been sewing.

** like a machine.

** if you missed it, c is crawling.

** i had to have my wedding rings re-sized, they were too big.

** hopefully they will be ready this week.

** i feel naked without them.

** my brother, luke, arrives today.

** he is here to visit his gf sunshine.

** and his nephew.

** i am making lasagna for him on thursday night.

** i hope that the rumors about brett favre are just rumors.

**i found the halloween candy that ph hid from me yesterday.

** ph, please re-hide said candy.

** i am reading k Even Silence Has an End: My Six Years of Captivity in the Colombian Jungle.

** it is hard to put down.

** but also hard to read.

** i have too many creative ideas in my head.

** i NEED to FOCUS!!!

**ok. ready. focus.

** that didn't help.

** going to put away the laundry.

** happy tuesday!

milestone

bean crawled today.
and as you can see
he is plum tuckered out.

back to school

today i took a machine quilting class at my local quilt shop.

i learned lot.

free motion quilting is hard!

but i did manage to sign my quilt in stitches.

yay me!

sewing maniac

i think...

... i want to write a book. let me explain.

in those days, weeks and months after cooper died people sent me books. people who cared about me and thought that a book on grief would help. it was a nice gesture. and i did look at the books, and even attempted to read many of them. but i just couldn't. they were not what i needed. what i needed, besides the obvious, was someone's real life account of loss, not loss of a parent, sibling or spouse, but loss of a child. not a miscarriage.  a child. while a miscarriage is a loss, it is a different loss than losing a child who was born, who breathed and who lived with you.  i needed that book to not only be about the loss, but it needed some redemptive quality. a glimmer of hope that i would survive the chasm in my heart and find happiness again. that was the kind of book i needed and i could not find it.  i have mentioned my desire to write a book to a few close  tribe members, but have kept it to myself. now i am putting it out there.

why? because i have heard too many stories lately, one only yesterday, about people losing babies. i want them to know they are not alone, that despite having their world crumble around them that they will survive, they will have happiness and they will love another child again. so many people want to make their loved ones "ok" after a loss. perhaps it is our societal stigma or discomfort surrounding death. people struggle with the right thing to say, and say the wrong thing.  i could never fault people for wanting me to be ok after cooper died. but the reality is that what happened, losing him, was not ok. no one could make it ok. almost two years later, it is still not ok. but i am ok. and more than that, i am ok with his death not being ok. this was hard for me to wrap my mind around and even harder for those have not walked in my shoes. however, my ability to own the fact that his death was not ok, allowed my heart to mend, gave me the ability to find happiness and see the many gifts that my cooper gives me every single day. the biggest one being his little brother chace.

while my way of dealing with my loss is not the only way to do so, nor i have i always been graceful about it. i do work hard and have done hard work, sometimes impossible work since that day in december that forever changed my life. and every day i make a conscience choice to live my life in a way that honors cooper. there are still nights that i cry myself to sleep or want to go down the drain with the bath water, but i choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other each every morning and will continue to do so until the day that i die. and this is what i want people to know.

am i utterly crazy?

tuesday tidbits

** it is a typical fall day here in the northeast, cool, grey and rainy.

** this makes the changing leaves magnificant

** i finally feel better after a nasty cold/virus/drainage.

** while sick, i realized that motherhood does not allow "sick days"

** green chili stew is currently in the crockpot.

** want to know what athena thought of our visit, check out her post.

** the only place where i can find some personal space these days, is sitting on the toilet.

** this disturbs me.

** want to know what else disturbs me?

** bean's poopy diapers.

** i am OVER them.

** ready for him to be potty trained.

** this week, they crossed a line from baby poop to gross.

**i made banana muffins yesterday.

** my mom is coming to visit in november

** and we are going to NYC for 2 days.

** so excited!!

** and yes chace does have another grandmother.

** grandma pat is ph's mom.

** she lives here in rochester.

** i just don't blog about her.

** ph lost his dad when he was 18.

** must go sew.....

teething....

is hard....

nelson the neon

shortly after ph and i started dating, he bought a 1997 black dodge neon. gas was at all time high and he wanted something to drive other than his gas beast dodge truck . he bought the neon at an auction for $900. i have to admit that i did snub my nose at the the neon at first, but i understood his reasoning. i ended up driving nelson for about 6 months, so we bonded. so much so, that i named him nelson the neon. and he has saved us much more money than we put into him. so overall, it was a good purchase.

nelson was old, beat up, and rusted. he killed my back. he did not have a working air conditioner. he could be found buried in snow in the winter.  but he always started. he was trust worthy. he delivered pizza. he made ph $150 in tip money one night. maybe its because people felt sorry for him. he carted the dogs to the park. he was a member of the family.

last weekend, ph tried to start him and he just didn't want to run. he had had enough. he could not be donated to charity, because well, he didn't run. so ph did some research and found a salvage company that would pay us to take nelson. imagine that. so last week a tow truck showed up and carted nelson away for his next big adventure. and gave us $200 in cold hard cash.

we will miss nelson. he was a good old car.