brothers

the relationship between brother and sister is different than the relationship between two brothers. at its core the relationship between two brothers is a very simple bond, but upon further investigation it is quite complicated and full of contradictions. brothers have a loyalty to one another that is like no other, but at the same time are in an unspoken competition, each one having a set of strengths different from the other. they can be each others harshest critic, and will be the first one to set the record straight if someone else speaks negative words. they are best friends and enemies all at the same time. and when it comes right down to it, no one has your back like your brother.

i will never get the opportunity to see the relationship grow and develop between cooper and chace. and to be honest, had cooper not died, there would not have been a little brother at all. but that does not prevent me from wondering how they would have interacted or what we will tell chace about his older brother. i think it is important that he know about cooper, cooper's birth and death forever changed our family. i am certain that just as ph and i have a relationship with cooper even after death, chace will find a connection of his own to the brother he never knew.

and while i will never see them both physically together, i was able to see them in one place, in one moment of time during chace's photo shoot. seeing chace sleeping so peacefully holding the cooper bird was a moment i simply can not put into words, but i do know this, in that moment i saw both of my boys, connected to each other through the bond of brotherhood and that brought me some much needed peace.

tuesday tidbits

** there are white flakes in the air.

** this does not make me happy.

** we have once again changed the bean's formula.

** i hope for the last time.

** thanks for all your encouragement regarding stomach sleeping and cloth diapers.

** he has been napping on his stomach.

** this makes him happy, which makes me happy.

** i turn 37 this week.

** that seems so much closer to 40.

** my youngest brother is coming to visit thursday.

** and my mom arrives sunday.

** i have 10 more pounds to lose.

** i am comfortably wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans.

** bean will travel via air for the first time on may 10th.

** we are going to sante fe to visit yaya and pappous for two weeks.

** my cousin is also getting married at my parents house while we are there.

** i have moments that feel sane and organized.

** and moments that are chaotic and unorganized.

** i guess this is life with a 10 week old.

** the snow has stopped and the sun is out.

conflicted

i would not consider myself an environmentalist, but i do care about this planet and try to help preserve it in my own way. i make small contributions, hoping that they will add up and help with the fight.

when i was pregnant with cooper, i received a postcard in something i ordered about cloth diapers. it caught my attention. i had this archaic image of cloth diapers, you know the one. gerber diapers with safety pins. but these were easy, stylish and looked like disposable diapers. i began researching the topic and was appalled at how horrible disposable diaper are for the environment. precious husband and discussed this at great length and made the decision that we were going to do our part by using cloth diapers. after reading many reviews, i settled on this brand and placed my order. i had decided i would start using the diapers when cooper was 12 weeks old, mainly because it would be easier to use disposable in those first weeks with a newborn.

as bean gets closer to 12 weeks old, i move closer to my commitment to the planet and i am conflicted. i am embarrassed to state my reasoning, basically it is about convenience. i am lazy. lets face it disposable diapers are easier. cloth diapers mean more laundry and one more thing for me to do in my day. they also mean that i am not dumping all that waste into a landfill and harming the planet. we are leaving a smaller footprint and doing our part to help the planet. by using them we are also setting a good example for our son. i want to teach him to make wise, thoughtful decisions, not decisions based on convenience. but the extra laundry.......

i am ok with being conflicted for now. but when i return home from santa fe at the end of may, conflicted or not, i am going to use the cloth diapers. i need to attempt to do my part to help the planet. all i can do is try.

familiar

when people meet chace for the first time, most of them say that he looks like me. there are a few people who think that he looks like precious husband. i can see both of us in him, much more so than cooper. my mom sent me some pictures of me when i was a baby. and well, the resemblance is strikingly familiar.

what do you think?

what i didn't say

you may remember this post, where i made the statement that i was not going to let the bean watch tv before the age of 2.

well, i need to clarify something. because we are a sports obsessed family and because precious husband and i are convinced that our son will play hockey, he is allowed to watch sports in tv before the age of 2.

last night i caught him watching the sabres game with his dad. i swear his eyes were following the players on the ice. do you think 10 weeks is too early to get him interested in hockey? am i becoming one of those hockey moms already?

next up: college football

happily napping

tuesday tidbits

** the bean is not happy. he has been screaming for two days.

** his mama is beat down, worn out and out of tricks to amuse him.

** thankfully, she still loves him.

** especially when he smiles.

** she figures that she is now "paying for her rais'n"

** the bean received his social security card and birth certificate in the mail.

** now we can get him a passport,

** i did not lose any weight last week.

** better luck this week.

** i am still plugging away on the string quilt.

** i have been thinking about cooper alot lately.

** perhaps it is because the anniversary of his memorial service is coming up.

** we are currently watching alot of hockey here on newberry ln.

** its playoff time!

** i wish the pediatricians would let babies sleep on their stomachs.

** the bean would be a much happier baby.

** thankfully it is nice out, so we walk and walk and walk.

in bloom

this afternoon we took a drive out to cooper's garden to check on the daffodils. they are doing wonderful and were such a welcome sight!

the view

outside our front window is a sure sign that spring has arrived!

my boys

last night i came downstairs after my bath and found the following scene. what you can not see in these photos, is that the dogs are sound asleep on the floor. no one even flinched when i took the pictures.

chace with a c

naming a child is a daunting task. there are all kinds of things to consider. can the name be shortened? can you live with said shortened name? will people ask what were his parents thinking? is it too common? does it remind you of your college roommate (ehmm, ph)? will your child declare at age 18 that now that they are legally an adult, they want to legally change their name? picking out the perfect name is a pressure filled endeavor.

i loved cooper's name. everything about it. it was the perfect combination. it was strong and not too hip. it couldn't be shortened. it was a great hockey name. it gave a nod to my texas roots. it was perfect. so when we began thinking about names for the bean, i was well, skeptical. how were we going to pick the perfect name again?

this time around i bought a name book. i went through it page by page and put little check marks by the names i liked. one night ph and i were lying on our bed and started talking about names. i read the names i liked. he did not like one name, not a one. feeling a little deflated, i asked him what names he liked. guess what? i didn't like any of his choices. we seemed to be at an impasse. then he said "jayce". nope i said, but i like chace. we both looked at each other and knew that we were on to something. but i knew i needed to ask ash if i could use that name. you see her last name is chase and she always said if she had a boy that was what she was going to name him. she is my childhood bff, i had to get her permission. once permission was granted, we knew we had the name. now we had to get the spelling. we wanted bean's name to be different, so we played around with the spelling. in addition, i bank at chase and wanted it spelled differently, nothing against my bank, just a personal quirk. we settled on chace with a c.

the rest of his name was easy. the middle name was going to be wallace, regardless if we had a boy or a girl. it is my maternal grandmother's maiden name and was important for me to honor her. turns out there is a wallace on fathers side of the family and in ph's as well, so we have our bases covered. and we all know how i feel about my last name, so it was a given that bean would have mine and ph's last name. however, he will go by chace gerenski in school, too many bubbles to fill out and he will be at the beginning of the alphabetical line.

so that is how the bean got his name and why it is chace with a c, in case you were wondering.

tuesday tidbits

** the bean went for his two month check up yesterday.

** he is weighing in at 12.5 pounds and is 23 inches long.

**he is currently napping in his crib. WOHOO!!

** it is my goal to start transitioning him out of the hushmock in our room and into his crib in the next couple of weeks.

**i received a call last week from the chair of the political science department at SUNY geneseo.

** he wanted to know if i was interested in teaching adjunct for fall 2010 and spring 2011.

** i told him i would love to and that spring 2011 is better for me.

** i was pregnant with cooper last time i taught there, so i had to bring him up to speed.

**the rest of the fabric arrived for my brother's quilt yesterday.

** 40 more string block to make.

**i have lost 7 pounds. 11 more to go.

** i am hoping to lose them by the time i go to may parents in may for my cousin's wedding.

** i am so excited that my blogging bff is moving to austin.

** there is a real chance that we can meet now, since i have so much family in austin.

**and ph has never been there, so i see a trip in our future.

**the magnolia tree in our front yard is days if not minutes away from blooming.

** this is my favorite part of spring.

donkeys and wellies

spending so much time in greece, it is hard not to fall in love with the donkeys that live on the island. and wellies, well who doesn't love them? i recently discovered this site. i think i want a pair in every color. so when i discovered this fabric from scarlet fig, i was smitten. i just had to have the fabric. my mom loved it too and asked me to make a bag for her cousin who shares our love of donkeys.

this weekend i was able to get the bag made thanks to a napping bean and grandma pat, who came over on saturday for a few hours so i could sew. i have made this bag several times, but this time i used cotton webbing for the handles instead of fabric. i think that they will be sturdier. now to get this little gem in the mail before i decide to keep it for myself.

dear chace

dear sweet chace,

today marks your 8th week of life. i can not believe how quickly the time passes. your dad and i continue to settle into our new role of parenthood. each day presents something new and we are learning to adjust to whatever you seem to throw at us.

you are growing like crazy. you have your 2 month check up at the doctor tomorrow and we are eager to see just how much you have grown. your head and neck are getting stronger, you are more alert and are talking to us. it is very clear that you have your daddy's eyelashes. i swear they grow by the hour. it remains to be seen what color your eyes will be. you are a very serious baby, you come by it naturally, i suppose. but lately you have started to smile at us, which melts my heart into puddle. there is nothing sweeter than seeing you smile at me.

you are sleeping very well at night and for that we grateful. however, during the day you seem to like one long nap in the afternoon. i cant say that i blame you. there is no catnapping for you. when you nap, you make sure it is a long one. you are a little bit fussy. i am understating this a bit. i was very cranky as a baby and every one likes to remind me of that fact. so i guess this is payback for me. i think that your fussiness is to teach me to ask others for help (this is a very difficult task for me).

now that the weather is getting nicer we have been walking. you like to be in the stroller and it helps me lose my baby weight. you have been on several stroller dates with riley and have spent time with tommy and charlie. we have an all boy playgroup already established. you have also spent time with your cousin andrew. he has been very nice about sharing his toys with you, although you didn't really want them just yet. you will be getting a new baby cousin in a few weeks, another boy.

you are one of my greatest creations, your brother being the other one. i look forward to what you will show us each day and i love you more with each passing day.

loving you always

mom

at this moment

at this moment on newberry lane:

**i am drinking a beer and blogging.

**ph is trying to put together a swing for the bean.

**grandma pat is entertaining the bean, trying to keep him from screaming and not letting him fall asleep at the same time. this IS a daunting task.

** the bean is trying to thwart grandma pat's attempts to distract him.

**we are all hoping that the bean likes his new swing and the screaming will cease.

just saying.

carving out space

i would not have been a good mother at 25, or 27 or even 30. i suppose i would have risen to the occasion, but i might not have. i wasn't sure of who i was at that age, nor did i know what was important to me. and i had no idea how hard it is to be a parent, a good parent.

while i believe that i will be a much better mother to the bean at age 36, there is a downfall to being older. my life has been my own for some time now, i did what i wanted, when i wanted. even though i have not had a regular job since i closed the yarn shop, my days are still very structured, each day has a " to do " list, and i spend much of the day creating. or at least this is how it was before the bean was born. i am quickly learning that my days are not mine any more. that what i accomplish in a day depends on the bean. and well, i am having a hard time adjusting, which according to my obgyn, this is normal for new moms who are driven, type a personality individuals.

i have a hard time accepting the fact that i may have to put my creativity on hold. this does not sit well with me, its like putting a steak in front of b and telling him he cant have it. creativity feeds my soul, it is a place for me to put my obsessive energy, it has helped to mend my heart, and has helped me make new friends. creative ideas come to me when i am rocking the bean to sleep at night that i can not ignore. i have a list of ideas on my iphone. i will get to them eventually, some day. i believe that i can find some balance, a happy medium, a way to carve out some creative time and space each day. i believe that this will help me be a better mother, wife and friend. i don't know what that looks like right now, but each day i try to find that space and hope that one day it will feel right.

i am open to suggestions.....

tuesday tidbits

** i have the most serious baby ever.

**this fabulous lady, sent me dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds from trader joe's.

** i am loving these reusable shopping bags.

** they are divine.

** i finished sewing the string blocks together. i love them.

** i am now waiting for the solid color fabric to arrive in the mail.

** but i changed the design, it is going to look so much better.

** this means that i have to sew 40 more string blocks.

** we hit the 80 degree mark last week.

** i am ready for warm weather, but not that warm.

** the good news is that the daffodils are blooming.

** post partum emotions suck. big time.

** oh, and so do hemorrhoids.

** happy tuesday!

7 weeks

happy happy

happy anniversary mom and dad!

my parents have been married 39 years today (that is a long time) and i consider myself lucky to have parents who are still very much in love. i know that it has not always been easy, that there have been ups and downs along the way, but i think that they are more in love now, than when they first met. they have grown into their relationship, at least that is my observation, and truly enjoy being around each other.

ph and i have similarly grown into our marriage. i hope that we are as happy and in love at our 39th wedding anniversary ( we will be really old at that point) as my parents.

thank you mom and dad for being good role models for luke, sam and i over the years.

xoxo

progress

progress was made today. i finished all 40 string blocks. i was able to do this because the bean napped in his crib for over an hour this morning. yay bean! more progress was made this afternoon because ph and the bean went for a walk. yay ph! this enabled me to start sewing the blocks together. loving how they look!

if i had champagne i would raise a glass to progress. i will just say yay, instead!

stuck

i feel like i am stuck in that movie, groundhog day, except for it is april fools.

let me tell you why....

it all began at 3 am wednesday morning, when ph had a hard time getting the bean to go back to sleep after his feeding. we all three had just dozed off to dream land, when we hear b walking, no running downstairs because he wanted to go outside. this means one thing and one thing only, he has an upset stomach and a case of major diarrhea is in his future. ph jumps out of bed to let him out. i then hear this thud and stream of expletives. i think to myself, he just fell down the stairs and then i start to giggle. yes, i am one of those people that giggles when people fall down. i am laughing as i type this. ph and bailey return from their trip outside, when sabre decides to get up and go downstairs. now, the whole house is awake. we eventually doze off when bean decides to wake at 5:30, i convince him to go back to sleep for a little bit, like 30 minutes.

i get up to feed him and realize that he is not going back to sleep. i will see the morning news shows in their entirety this morning. we leave the house at 9:45 to go to a friends house for brunch. a friend was in town and she wanted to see all the new babies. now there is a little voice inside my head that tells me that i should stay home, bean is not having a good morning. do i listen to that voice? nope, i carry on. bad move. i will listen to that voice from now on. i promise. bean screamed all the way there, most of the time we were there and all the way home. ph pulled in the driveway as i was getting out of the car, to find me sobbing in the drive way.

we walk into the house, look at each other and say "why does it smell like dog poop?" i enter the computer room and see a big runny pile of poop. i cry harder. of all the places to poop in the house, b has to go in the room with carpet. ph spends the next hour cleaning b's hind end. this is quite a task on a 130 pound white dog. the rest of the evening was relatively uneventful. oh wait, there was that moment when i was getting out of the bathtub that my incision starting oozing stuff. i freaked out. called the dr on call and was told it was probably a stitch that was infected and had managed to free itself. no cause for panic. good to know, here i was thinking my entire gut was going to open up.

this morning, bean and i went for a long walk. its nice outside and i am hoping he will sleep. upon our return i notice that our mailbox looks a little funny. and why are there white cards all over the driveway. it dawns on me that someone has hit our mailbox. those are my thank you notes all over the drive way and the front of the mailbox is halfway up the drive way. what is wrong with people. someone smacked the hell out of our mailbox and kept on driving. nice. so if you get a thank you note that is a little dirty, now you know why.

and bailey, well we should just take him to car wash to clean his rear end this afternoon. seriously it is a lost cause. at least it is close to 80 degrees outside.

how is your april fools day going?