leaving the nest

today is the 6th month anniversary of cooper's death, so it seemed appropriate that today was also the day that i delivered the first members of coopers flock to the hospital. i decided that the first birds to fly should be the ones that i knit for cooper. when i set the date with jen, the cardiac social worker, i randomly picked june 4th. it wasn't until later that i realized the significance of the day. but it felt right.

i won't lie to you, it was difficult to be at the hospital. i have been there two others times, since cooper died, and being there doesn't get any easier. driving over i was flooded with images of the drive to the hospital the day of cooper's surgery, morning traffic, a fresh snow storm, a trunk that would not close, trying to keep a hungry cooper happy and a nervous energy in the air. when i walked into the lobby of the hospital, the enormity of the time spent there came rushing back, visits to the NICU before cooper came home, cardiologist appointments, lots of waiting, and the coffee stand where we were getting coffee the moment cooper's heart stopped.

and while it was difficult to be in that space on this day, i was wrestling with my emotions surrounding coopers flock. i was having a hard time letting the birds leave the nest. i embarked on this journey in part to help my heart heal, and i have come a long way in the past 6 months but my heart is not healed, mended some, but not healed. and leaving the birds with jen to start giving to families, means that i am moving forward. jen said that i didn't have to leave them if i wasn't ready, but hard as it was, i knew it was time. you see, cooper changed those that met him and he touched alot of people in a very profound way in the 21 days he was alive, and not leaving the birds would be a betrayal of who he was. i don't understand why he had the effect on people that he did, but i know that this project is not only his legacy but his gift to those that didn't get the opportunity to meet him. in my heart i know that these birds will bring such comfort to many families and children during such a stressful and fearful time. and creating coopers flock has helped me find the good again and find meaning in our loss.

when i left the hospital i felt lighter, peaceful and i felt cooper. and i know he was proud of his mama and all those who helped create his flock.