darkness into light

it feels dark today.
my mind has had a hard
time making sense of
the violence that took place
in boston yesterday.

ok, lets be honest.
the violence that seems
to happen with too
much frequency.

my thoughts are
seemingly unconnected,
but they keep bouncing
around in my mind.
so, maybe that means something.

it is easy in times
of darkness to lose faith,
to surrender to the darkness.

it is natural to shut down,
go numb, and close your heart
when the unthinkable happens.
(believe me i know)

anger is easy to embrace.
to want answers,
to want justice.
and accountability.

yes, that is part of the healing.
but it is more important
to keep the heart open.
to search for the light.

by opening up to life.
we continue to live
and it is through living
that we find healing and peace.

it is then that we
can truly come out
of the darkness so
that we can see
and experience the light.

sending lots of love light and peace to boston

xoxo

Tuesday tidbits

* hi there

* how are you?

* I know it has been awhile.

* it was a rough winter.

* and I think the fog is starting to lift.

* I can feel spring in the air.

* I see it in brief glimpses, glimpses that give me hope.

* I battle depression on a regular basis, but it is always worse in the winter.

* this winter it was really bad, a constant struggle.

* to be honest, I had things to say and share but I just couldn't make myself write.

* but today it feels right, like I said the fog is lifting.

* what have been up to?

* well, lucends launched a wholesale line.

* I have been working with an amazing surface designer to create my own fabric line for fall.

* there have been photo shoots, design edits, meetings with my sales rep and craft show applications

* I will be a vendor at the country living fair, put on by country living magazine.

* I am beyond excited and a little bit scared.

* oh , and then there is life with a 3 year old.

* full of fun, laughter, tantrums, funny sayings, play dates and lots of poop.

* yes, we are still battling poop.

*give me strength!

* despite a rough winter, I guess I have been busy!

* but it is good to be back.

* what have you been up to?

Dear Chace

My dear sweet Chace

Happy birthday!

Today you turned 3.
I can't believe it
Has been three years since
You showed us the meaning of love.

This past year
You have come into your own
Become your own person.

You are sweet and funny
You are smart and very precocious
You have an imagination that astounds me.
And you are very stubborn.
( but you come by that very honestly)

You love trains and robots.
You have a tremendous knowledge of animals
You love books and could spend hours reading.
Like, your father you love to be outdoors.

You are extremely social
And have many friends.
Playdates are your favorite
And you look forward to them.

It has been so much fun to watch
You grow and learn and laugh.
Parenting is by far the hardest thing I have ever done
But it is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done.

It is an honor and joy to be your mama.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Happy third birthday sweet boy

Xoxo
Your mama

Overheard

I am one of the room mothers
For Chace's class at school.
I am also the co-chair of
This years fundraising auction for the school.

Each class creates a project to auction off.
The room mothers are in charge of organizing this task.
Since I am a room mom and can sew.
Guess what that means?

Yep. You guessed it.
Chace's class project is a quilt!
My thought was to give each child
A white square of fabric, have them draw a letter of the alphabet
And then have them draw items that start with that letter.

I will then sew the blocks together
And appliqué fabric letters in each block.
I think it will work.
Or at least I hope it will work.

Yesterday was the day
That we created the drawing on the blocks.
We heard some awesome things from the children.

Like:

" I play a angry birds so I am going to draw a red bird"

" my brother is going to be so surprised to see me"

" my mom is really good at drawing penguins"

" I don't know how to draw"

And my personal favorite:

" when my mom gets nervouse she chews her hair"

I am sure the parents of these children
Would be thrilled to know what their kids
Were sharing with the room moms while drawing.

Note to self: maybe I should always be the room mom!

A breakthrough

I hesitate to say this out loud
But I think we have turned a corner
In the potty training department.

Over the Christmas holiday
Chace started telling us when he had
To pee, but the pooping department
Has been a struggle to say the least

Ok, let's be honest
I was a full on battle of wills
He knew it was important to us
So he refused to go anywhere but his underwear.

We even made him clean
His poopy underwear in a bucket 
Of water with gloves in the basement
This did not phase him one bit.

Talk about hardheaded
I don't know where he gets that from!

Then something happened on Wednesday
He started telling us when he had to poop!
I didn't want to get my hopes up.
But since Wednesday all poop has gone
Where it belongs, the toilet.

I am hopeful we have turned the corner.
Ok, beyond hopeful.
The breakthrough over the holidays
Was preceded by two days of absolutely horrible behavior.
We survived two days of such behavior this week.

Fingers crossed people
Fingers crossed!

unexpected strength

there is a distinct scent
that i associate with cooper.
in those early days after his death
that scent could bring me to my knees.
particularly, if it was unexpected.

i have not smelled that in a long time.
until tonight, that is....

i was in the middle of sun salutations
when i caught the all to familiar smell.
i just thought it was my mind
playing tricks on me.

as i continued to move through my practice
the smell got stronger.
then it dawned on me.

we were out of tide and ph
washed the clothes with the baby detergent.
the same one i used on cooper's clothes.
incidentally, i used a different detergent for chace.

an unexpected shift happened.
instead of falling apart when the scent hit my nose.
i dug deep and found an unexpected strength.
i took deeper breathes and stayed present.

i felt his presence in every pose.
in side plank, it was as if my hand
was reaching toward his.
my heart opened up reaching toward
the sky in revolved half moon.
and during shivasana  there was a peace
i haven't felt before.

yes there was an incredible physical strength i felt tonight
but the more meaningful was the emotional strength
that showed up, representing another important step in the healing process.

thank you my sweet cooper
for the gifts you continue to give.
xoxo

morning conversation

thursday morning i was in the shower

chace comes in the bathroom 

and pokes his little face around 

the shower curtain.

he looks and me and the following conversation took place

chace: mommy i have a penis

me: yes you do.

chace: do you have a penis?

me: nope.

chace: i have one, look. 

(he then proceeded to pull down his underwear to show me)

i am not ready.

Resolutions

i mentioned in an earlier post
i  are some resolutions for 2013.
they are more like goals
or promises to myself.

i have them in my head
written down in a place
that no one knows.
but I haven't written them here.
on this blog.

why?
for fear of being vulnerable.
for fear of feeling  imperfect if I could not keep them.
rather than having compassion for myself
for making promises, my fear has kept me
from sharing them with you.

so rather than acting of fear
and keeping them locked away
i am going to act out of love
and post them here.

here we go.

* in 2013 I want to have my blog turned into books. Not books to sell but books for preserve what I have documented over the lat 4 years. Something for Chace when he is older.

* in 2013 also want to write a book using my blog as the guide. This overwhelms me. But I know in my heart that need to do.

* in 2013 i hope to continue to grow lucends. To take the next step while remaining true to myself and allowing the business to grow organically.

* in 2013 I need to go visit some of my friends that live in far away places. I need to see them. They make me a better person. I have said that I am going to visit and the life gets in the way. It's time to go visit.

* in 2013 I need to be kinder to my body. To eat cleaner. To take in less toxins, primarily diet coke. Oh how I love diet coke, esp first thing in the morning. This being said,  I do not want to eliminate it all together. But if I am honest I can cut back.

*in 2013 i would like to work on patience, patience with ph, patience with chace, patience my loved ones and patience with myself.

*in 2013 i would like to work on giving up my need for perfect parenting. i am going to make mistakes, but putting so much pressure on myself make me miss out on the joy of parenthood. chace made need therapy as a result of my parenting, which is not a bad thing, but he will know how much he is loved.

these are my hopes for the year.
thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable
to  be my true self.

xoxo

A shift on the mat

there has been a shift,
a shift taking place
on my yoga mat

i don't know what to make of it, yet.

i noticed it yesterday
and figured it was because
i had not practiced in 3 weeks.
i noted the change and kept moving.

tonight the feeling was still there.
things feel different.
i don't know why, really.

maybe it's because i am not trying so hard.
maybe i am letting myself be vulnerable.
maybe i have let me walls down, inside the studio.
maybe its because i am so hard on myself in my daily life,
that i just am cutting myself some slack.

i cant put my finger on the shift.

i feel more in my body and out of my head.
my thoughts are not bombarding me.
i am listening to my body.
my movements are more deliberate.
i am less focused on message from the instructor,
finding my own message along the way.

i am not sure why the shift has taken place
or what it means.
but for now i am just going to find an acceptance of it.
but i am open to explanations.....

hello? are you still there?

happy 2013.
i hope you and yours had a great holiday.
we had a one filled with family
friends, food, magic and lots of germs.

we are home.
and settling into 2013.
its like a pair of jeans,
you have wear them a while
to decide if they are going to
become your favorite.

i made a list of goals for 2013.
they have earned their own post.
this is a first, but there is so much in my head
it warranted a list.

in the weeks since i last wrote
i have come face to face with the challenges of parenting.
it can be ugly and hard.
but thank goodness for the moments, however fleeting of pure bliss.

i laughed until i cried
while watching this is 40.
the reality of that number sinking in.

i moved through the anniversary
of cooper's death with relative ease.
a sure sign of continued healing.

chace has made significant strides
in the potty training department.
however, much to my chagrin i
am still cleaning poop out of underwear.

i ate my way through the holidays.
gaining 5 pounds in a short period.
oops.

i seem to be reminded of the fragility
of life and the need to live each moment
to the fullest.
it can change in an instant.

i am excited and hopeful
for what this year holds.
i can not wait to share the journey
with you.

xoxo